Good mourning! (V. 2)
Good mourning! (V. 2)
original poetry & imagesby @d-pend
Unfinished, where you can see
The guide-lines.
Caution tape on gummed walls,
Flecks of plaster, neglected caulking:
The world is a lonesome construction site.
I am the stern surveyor!
The progress makes me grimace.
But still, there is a broad smile
On my face—
The world is an overripe fruit.
It's a stump on a footpath,
Or it's a boulder
In a stream.
It's ghost laughter
And a frigid embrace.
It's the sun rising,
on a graveyard:
house of mirrors.
If you look at it,
just so—
a mirage of mourning is born.
Created by @d-pend
on February 22, 2018,
edited on September 24, 2018.
Note
Good morning! Well, it was morning earlier when I edited this, haha. Some of you might remember this one from way back, but I've modified it quite substantially and I think it's a much stronger piece now. I've never done any reposting of material on Steemit but I think it's an interesting way to revisit different periods to re-invigorate one's creativity. (Of course, it's also too bad that our work "dies" on the chain after only 7 days!) I promise any time I do reposts, they will be edited, enhanced—transformed in one way or another, not simply copy-pasted :-)
Have a fantastic day!
I go through so many phases in writing (and learn new techniques, of course) that it can be quite jarring to read how I wrote at various periods in the past. With this piece, the original was so unrhythmic I found it odd. My mind has become "infected" by more verse-like rhythms, these days! (@quillfire, I partly blame you for turning me to the dark side of poetic meter!) I also created these phased images by some geometric transformations/overlays. If you want to see how the original version was different, click here.
Have a fantastic day!
@d-pend
Thank you for being here for me, so I can be here for you.
Enjoy your day and stay creative!
Botty loves you. <3
I've decided to up my delegation to Botty to 3,000 SP. Not sure how long I'll keep it there, but I've been grateful for this project since I joined it way back. 🙏 Hope it helps!
Beep Boop, Thank you so very much!
When you said not sure how long it'll be there, I assumed longer than 4-5 days. I was just about to restart the full voting as well now that VP has recharged and was checking the daemon and noticed the drop in SP. Thanks for your support, stupid of me to get excited about it.
I was planning on it being there for a while but, well, I reconsidered the amount. Wish it would have been used some while it was there. Don't know why everyone stopped voting entirely recently, could have just cut the % way down.
1000 SP is still over 3x what I was delegating before.
Good morning dear with beautiful art
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Good morning, thanks for visiting my blog!
Welcome
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The poetry is really deeply appreciated.
It's really consist of reallity.
Thanks for sharing @d-pend
Your appreciation is realistically appreciated, too. Thanks @coolguy222!
You are welcome
Ah, I'm glad you put both poems here so we can check the old one also.. I somehow like more the old one, but this one is also cool...
Glad to know you around Steemit and other platforms ;) Have a sunshine-reggae day! :D
Ah, really? That's interesting! I wonder if I shouldn't tamper too much with old stuff, might lose the original flavor. Not that anything is lost since both of them are recorded :-) Maybe some other people will weigh in on which they prefer, too—or even be bold enough to offer specific critiques!
Thanks @whack.science, have a great day too!
P.S. crossposting ftw!
Well, it's just my humble noob-poetic opinion :D Both are just great, but I read this one and went back to old one, and old just seemed more direct so it stuck to me more than the new one.
<3
I definitely value that opinion :-) I wouldn't call it noob! :-P
beginner? xD
spacely! 😏
This is lovely, Dan, almost a stand alone mini poem:
I wake up into the husk of a world
Unfinished, where you can see
The guide-lines.
They’re close, and both versions are strong: stark, clean lines, quietly startling images. Good to look on the world with such fine, defamilarizing eyes.
I think I, too, prefer rewrite, but miss the open-endedness of this closing couplet:
If you look at it from the right angle
It disappears entirely: a trick of the light.
(vs emotional finality of ‘mirage of mourning’)
How about combing both POVs:
If you look at it,
just so—
It disappears entirely.
That way the word-weariness/wariness is lessened & the disappearance is presented as a daily chance to remake the world, anew, but also an opportunity to see past it and all its in-built suffering.
I have a feeling here of some unspecified accumulation, creative, vibrant, complex and evasive
line is guide
in long run
to follow
Upvoted, resteemed ;) .
Thanks @bacus15! Appreciated....
anomalously. :-D
Haha, ubiquitously @d-pend ;) .
Dear @d-pend sir!
I saw your original version, it was about 18 lines poem, which was posted about 7th month ago and your new version is 22 lines poem.
I can understand how you work hard to give a new shape to your poetry by editing.
it's a much stronger piece now. I salute to your labour, determination and devotion.
But I am not happy with your talk . You are telling that first original version was so unrhythmic.. this is not fair.. previous version was also good .some improvements made it better..
Good morning to my dear friend d-pend
Yes, good morning, have a great day!