Fading Thoughts

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I have words in my head,
Fine letters moving in my brain,
Swimming and begging to be set free.
I can hear the cries in a distance,
The high-pitched screams of the wounded.
I recognise it.
The agony is familiar,
Like a second skin
And a stale scent mingled
With fresh breath.
I try to reach them and fail.
Maybe I don’t know how.

I can’t remember my dreams.
I wake each morning
Struggling to catch them.
Those vague memories of my sleep.
Sometimes I get bits and pieces,
Most times I get nothing.
I feel them mocking me.
The images flashing then disappearing
Before I can make sense of it.
I have learned to not grasp,
To ignore the lights and unclear pictures.
They leave me empty and exhausted.

My heart is beating slowly,
Painfully and continuously,
Steady thuds under my breast.
There’re days I want to rip it off.
Times I wish stop to rhythm
Because I fear being swallowed.
There’re also times I search
Desperately for the answers.
I clutch it tightly and pray for a vision,
A clear understanding of it all.
I rub my chest in circles
While willing the ache away.

I’m too scared to feel.
The emotions cloud my thoughts
And make my hands shake.
Exploring them make my knees tremble
And my teeth clatter.
I’ve know pain and aloneness,
The type that leaves you breathless.
I remember the crawl in the stomach,
The cold quietly sneaking up.
Maybe I don’t wish to experience it again,
Perhaps it’s all me
Unconsciously willing it’s away.

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