妻子 {原始詩}
妻子
你在上的火車還在
但別人經過
不休
並掩飾你的慣性
與幻覺運動。
有時
前滑架
分離
和蒼蠅後通過行動:
拉扯旁邊和爆炸的喇叭....
然而,好奇地,它返回:
由不可抗拒的,
感知自由的磁力,
返回停滯
和微妙的自由籠。
你覺得如何
如果你的前面追逐敏銳,
然後喘著氣
靜靜地跳轉軌道
並與永久運動中的另一個鏈接?.
你會坐,看著你反射的眼淚
滾動,像雨滴,
下來冷,還是玻璃
作為一個微弱的喇叭聲音
遠處的距離?
然而,好奇地,它返回:
由不可抗拒的,
感知自由的磁力,
返回停滯
和微妙的自由籠。
你覺得如何
如果你的前面追逐敏銳,
然後喘著氣
靜靜地跳轉軌道
並與永久運動中的另一個鏈接?.
你會坐,看著你反射的眼淚
滾動,像雨滴,
下來冷,還是玻璃
作為一個微弱的喇叭聲音
遠處的距離?
Good imagery - minimal use of words - sparse - I love the line: 'and link with another in perpetual motion?' - radical improvement being shown since Steemit debut - there is an irreconcilable tension between the poetry’s potential and its actualization, between what it dreams of doing and what it actually can do. Worthy of $'s - 9/10.
The Wales need to hand over their curation power to @mindhunter, this guy is the real deal.
Thank you @gonzo Good poetry arises from the desire to rise beyond the mundane and finite - to transcend or reach towards the divine source of life.
That is such amazing feedback-thank you! If I didn't have tonsillitis right now I'd do one of those air-heel-click thingamys. I'll do it at the weekend!
I'm glad it makes you happy - do a heels click for me too OK ;)
P.S. Get well soon @mindhunter
P.P.S. This one is for you: https://steemit.com/poetry/@mindhunter/is-it-time-to-appoint-an-unofficial-steemit-poetry-critic-to-tame-the-scourge-of-bad-poetry-on-steemit
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especially like-
The magnetic force of perceived liberty
Thanks, I nearly buggered that line up by having freedom twice.
BTW I liked your fish poem. I liked how you made it circular.
"And the subtle cage of freedom" I like that.