妻子 {原始詩}
關於關係的原始詩
妻子
你在上的火車還在
但別人經過
不休
並掩飾你的慣性
與幻覺運動。
有時
前滑架
分離
和蒼蠅後通過行動：
拉扯旁邊和爆炸的喇叭....
然而，好奇地，它返回：
由不可抗拒的，
感知自由的磁力，
返回停滯
和微妙的自由籠。
你覺得如何
如果你的前面追逐敏銳，
然後喘著氣
靜靜地跳轉軌道
並與永久運動中的另一個鏈接？.
你會坐，看著你反射的眼淚
滾動，像雨滴，
下來冷，還是玻璃
作為一個微弱的喇叭聲音
遠處的距離？
你在上的火車還在
但別人經過
不休
並掩飾你的慣性
與幻覺運動。
有時
前滑架
分離
和蒼蠅後通過行動：
拉扯旁邊和爆炸的喇叭....
Good imagery - minimal use of words - sparse - I love the line: 'and link with another in perpetual motion?' - radical improvement being shown since Steemit debut - there is an irreconcilable tension between the poetry’s potential and its actualization, between what it dreams of doing and what it actually can do. Worthy of $'s - 9/10.
The Wales need to hand over their curation power to @mindhunter, this guy is the real deal.
Thank you @gonzo Good poetry arises from the desire to rise beyond the mundane and finite - to transcend or reach towards the divine source of life.
That is such amazing feedback-thank you! If I didn't have tonsillitis right now I'd do one of those air-heel-click thingamys. I'll do it at the weekend!
I'm glad it makes you happy - do a heels click for me too OK ;)
P.S. Get well soon @mindhunter
P.P.S. This one is for you: https://steemit.com/poetry/@mindhunter/is-it-time-to-appoint-an-unofficial-steemit-poetry-critic-to-tame-the-scourge-of-bad-poetry-on-steemit
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especially like-
The magnetic force of perceived liberty
Thanks, I nearly buggered that line up by having freedom twice.
BTW I liked your fish poem. I liked how you made it circular.
"And the subtle cage of freedom" I like that.