Verses of youth: 2 final poems of pain and confusion from my twenties (Part 3 of 3)

Hello friends,

I'd like to share a third and final set of poems written when I was in my twenties. My previous posts touched on the themes of pain and confusion that I felt as I emerged into an uncaring world (link to post1) which then deepened into a sense of meaninglessness as I began to feel trapped in my mind with no way out (link to post2).

The two poems I offer you here, are a bit of a mix of the themes mentioned above - they also have the movement/action of water in common. The first was written in 1992, when I was 20, idealistically feeling my way forward through life. The second, written a few years later, expresses the pain of separation and a sense of futility in everything.

The six poems in this series represent a growing self-reflective and pessimistic state of mind that characterised my world-view when I was in my 20s. My 30s were spent as a sleeping zombie – I had given up on the magic in life and I just floated down the river. Around my 40th birthday, I experienced a dynamic and explosive rebirth.....I think the fact that I'm comfortable sharing these writings indicates to me that I now no longer identify with this pessimistic sense of futility - I have begun to let it go!

Thanks for reading

Namaste

Untitled (Nov 1992, Edinburgh)

To windward waves I wildly stretch
groping for a true glimpse of mankind
I search the sea of life for hungry images
scan the island of impressions I've left behind.

Knowledge, like the flying fish in sunlight flash
gliding themselves out into the ocean's expanse,
lures me into indecision, each possibility beckoning,
and towards each I turn my misty prance.

The wilder waves dare me on
away from here to romance and adventure;
yet I hesitate, my excitement clawed down
by a mild diffidence and security's sober lecture.

The ball is rolling and time will decide
what littered souls seek in partiality.
Waves will break up, decay or move on,
and I'll come face to face with my reality!

Untitled (May 1995, St. Andrews)

The river winds
and chokes us as we drift
on and on...
cut off
by a grey shield of murkiness.

I sense shapes -
lucid entities;
I lie face down in the blackening water
a bloated zombie;
Don't look!
they'll only disgust you.

I float by,
turning a glazed eye.
Experience and Knowledge!
You beautiful fragments of the world -
lucid, tempting...
I succomb.

Drift, drifting
and dreaming of the entity,
I collect its fragments
and the shadows lengthen
and seem to promise me a complete picture,
someday.

I hold on imploringly,
the water now disgusts me -
a vile crawling black;
and the zombie caresses his picture.

My gasping is louder
the water is choking me,
closing in...
Dark Meaninglessness.

Sink empty corpse...
there never was a picture -
Only a cheap illusion
reflecting the murky waters
as they dissolved your soul!

background images: Google