It's a brand new Cat Ladies for The Playhouse tonight!

---

---

It's tough for old people to stay up until midnight on New Year's, right? I mean, I'm not even old and I don't want to do it. Luckily I'm in MST so I can pretend with the two-hour advance of the Times Square Celebration. Anyway...

---

Join us for The Playhouse, the only sketch comedy show on Steem. If there are others, you need to step up your advertising game, cause we don't know about you...

In the SteemStar Discord server, we invite voices from all over the world to join in our chaotic but hilarious script readings! @CarrieAllen and myself are often joined by the likes of witness superstars @EngineWitty, @c0ff33a, and more! Come laugh at us. With us. Laugh with us.

---

The Cat Ladies

New Year Special - "Meow'd We Get Here?"

by Chris Roberts
THE CAT LADIES - “2019: Meow’d We Get Here?”

CHARACTERS

DORIS
ETHEL
AGNES

SOUND FX - AULD LANG SYNE (Over Narrator)

NARRATOR
On a cold December evening, three old ladies are lounging comfortably in the living room by the fireplace. Doris’ house has never been cleaner. The dishes are done, the doilies are dusted, and all the cats are currently going to town on the Fancy Feast to end all Fancy Feasts. Doris, Ethel and Agnes knew that tonight they would be up way past their bedtimes, but they were determined to bring in the New Year awake this time. Agnes found a dusty and ancient bottle of cognac in her late husband’s armoire, and the Cat Ladies have already cracked it open. Still more than an hour from midnight… Let’s see if they can make it!

ETHEL
Hey Doris, why the hell are you checking your phone again?

AGNES
It’s sucking her soul from her brain through her eyeballs.

DORIS
That’s nonsense, Agnes. No, I’m just tuning in to the New York Times live feed on Fox News.

ETHEL
But that’s eastern time.

DORIS
I know. So it’s an hour later there. That means it’s half an hour until midnight.

AGNES
We have clocks, genius.

ETHEL
Yeah, I’ve been meaning to ask you, Doris. Why do you have so many damn clocks?

AGNES
You mean in the clock room?

DORIS
I don’t have a clock room.

ETHEL
Then what the hell do you call that room with all the clocks?

DORIS
I assume you’re referring to the Great Room. That’s the room with the most clocks. But it would be ridiculous to call it the clock room. My cats like the ticking! Let’s just forget about it.

ETHEL
Fine. Anyway, we gotta stay awake for another hour and a half? Who the hell’s idea was this?

AGNES
It was Unanibus

DORIS
What?

ETHEL
She means unanimous. I remember now. I was like, “You know what? It’s been about thirty years since I been awake at midnight on New Years”, and then Agnes was all like “We should stay up til midnight this year!”

AGNES
And get drunk!

ETHEL
That’s right Agnes, but you should slow down on that Cognac. How old is that stuff anyway?

AGNES
No idea. All I know is my Bertram brought it back from the war.

DORIS
Which war?

AGNES
No idea. All I know is her killed a bunch of Commies, or Nazis, or Chinese, or something.

ETHEL
That narrows it down. So this cognac might be a hundred years old?

DORIS
This cognac might have been around before we were, girls.

ETHEL
That hadn’t escaped my mind. It’s about to be two thousand and nineteen. Let that sink in, ladies.

AGNES
Still no flying cars.

DORIS
C’mon, Agnes. Like they would ever give you a license to drive a flying car.

ETHEL
Oh, they’ve got flying cars already. They just won’t let you have ‘em. They got lots of stuff you don’t know about.

AGNES
Flying bicycles?

ETHEL
Sure, if there’s flying cars, you better believe there’s flying bicycles. Otherwise the eco-twerps would have a fit.

DORIS
Ooohh, I love Sting!

ETHEL
Doris, are you even paying attention to us?

AGNES
We’re having an important conversation about flying unicycles!

ETHEL
Oh, it’s unicycles now?

DORIS
I’m sorry, it’s just these Fox News journalists are so darned goodlooking, and Sting just came on. Can you believe it? They got Sting!

ETHEL
He’s all washed up.

AGNES
I hooked up with Sting at Woodstock!

DORIS
There is no way that’s true, Agnes.

AGNES
Prove it ain’t!

ETHEL
I kind of believe her…

AGNES
Yolo, bitches!

ETHEL
You can watch Sting later, Doris. Put the virtual assistant away. Good.

DORIS
Well, I just can’t believe that rock and roll is finally dead.

ETHEL
Where the hell did that come from?

AGNES
Rock and roll!

DORIS
I just mean that… it’s almost 2019 here, the legends of rock are all almost dead.

AGNES
Like us!

ETHEL
What’s your point? Or are you just being a sad sack?

DORIS
Well, there aren’t any new rock and roll legends that I know of.

AGNES
I like dubstep!

ETHEL
We know you do, Agnes. You always have the volume on your headphones up way to loud.

AGNES
I’ll drink to that!

DORIS
Can you believe it, girls? Another year gone by!

AGNES
And we’re all still here, raising hell and having a hell of a time!

ETHEL
Yep. Soon, my grandkids will be having kids. How the hell many little kids am I supposed to love?

DORIS
Oh, you’d be surprised. Even you, Ethel, have an endless capacity for love in your heart.

ETHEL
That’s sweet, Doris… enough with the Oprah bullshit. Can we just pretend it’s midnight, do a little countdown, then get along with our regular nocturnal activities?

AGNES
It’s past my bedtime!

DORIS
When’s your bedtime.

AGNES
About 7:45 on weeknights. Should we sing the New Year song?

DORIS
Sure, why don’t you lead us, Agnes?

AGNES
Should old potatoes be forgot, and never rot so hard. Should old potatoes be forgot--

DORIS
I don’t think you know the words, Agnes.

AGNES
Like you do?

DORIS
No, can’t say that I do. Ethel, do you know the words?

ETHEL
Unbelievable. Over a hundred and fifty years of life on this earth, and neither of you know the words to Auld Lang Syne… a song that has been around longer than either of you.

DORIS
So do you know the words?

ETHEL
...and 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,

ALL
Happy New Year!!!

ETHEL
Alright. We probably won’t even remember that we didn’t make it to the real midnight.

DORIS
That’s true. I’m exhausted. Let’s get some sleep. Agnes, you can take the couch here by the fire, as long as you don’t start throwing things in there again.

AGNES
Naw, my pyro days are over.

ETHEL
That’s a relief. I’ll take the guest room.

DORIS
Good night, Cat Ladies! Here’s to another great year of zany adventures!

ETHEL
What a weird thing to say.

SOUND FX - AULD LANG SYNE

NARRATOR
So the Cat Ladies didn’t quite make it to midnight, but together, they brought in the new year. What wonders will 2019 bring? Only time will tell, and unless it brings a time machine, the Cat Ladies will keep getting older, watching the crazy world whizz by around them, but barely keeping up. Such is the existence of a Cat Lady, but a glorious and joyful existence it is! Happy New Year from the Cat Ladies!

---

Check out Steem Monsters if you haven't yet! Sign up with my affiliate link above and I'll send you an awesome prize!

---