Am I worthy of enjoyment for the sake of enjoyment?

So I recently took a vacation.
Something I realized I would only do if there were some kind of motive. Something to accomplish.
As if my own pleasure is of lowest priority, a possible side effect of achievement at most.

Adult life is about survival primarily, and all motivation beyond that is fueled by the need to mold myself into someone I would actually consider worthy of survival.

This would all be well and good if I held myself to the same standards as others. Everyone else gets a free pass just for existing in their own unique way, contributing to the vibrant palette of the collective consciousness. They are perfect as they are, with all their jagged edges, their squishy parts, and their loose ends.

We are all indefinitely unfinished products, yet we each carry a crucial piece of someone else's puzzle. We are never aware of how valuable our own knowledge, insight, skills, or simply our presence is, because we will never know what it's like to be without it, and it will most certainly never be enough.

But then there's me, existing in my own unique way. But is it the best possible way?
Never.

I have not met everyone and collected all the pieces to a perfect puzzle. I have not mastered all the skills, let alone even one.

But what if I did?

Would I then deserve to survive?

Would I then be worthy of enjoyment?

Wait, but what do I do with myself now that there is nothing left to learn or improve on, when my pleasure (as well as my motivation to exist) was only ever conditional on those terms?

Maybe I should have relished my journey.

Maybe I should have appreciated my jagged edges and squishy parts.

Maybe I am exactly who the world needs me to be, since no one in the world could ever be "me" nearly as well.

So I came to the conclusion that one of the biggest contributors to depression is guilt/shame. Guilt that outlives its corresponding mistakes, which only exist to be a catalyst for development anyway. And shame for what is lacking, the lacking that is our drive.

But since everything is meaningless, and there is no secret to life, YOU get to dictate its meaning. You get to decide who you want to be, what you want to do, what you don't want to do, and in what order.

[Believe it or not, all of these photos were taken with an HTC Desire which met its demise on the very vacation it so vividly documented. As a result, I now have a fancy phone with an even fancier camera, so stay tuned!]