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RE: Personal boundaries - Part 1
How to put your foot down? That is the difficult thing. I do not ask other people for favors, unless I absolutely have to. Most people also know my boundaries, but then there are the others... Ironically, they are the people that are the most important to me, like my husband, my grown children, my sister. The reason I find it so difficult to say no to them, is because I have a deep seated fear that they might love me less. In other words, I fear their reaction if I refuse. "Tough love" is a way of setting boundaries, but everyone that had ever been in that type of situation, will tell you that it is the most difficult thing to do.
If they love you less because you stand up for yourself, their love is conditional, and therefore not actually love. You need to ask yourself if this love is worth keeping. On the other hand, if you say no, they might respond well. They might respect you more, and show that their love for you is true. Is this a possibility?
It is most definitely a possibility. It is just the lonely child in me speaking. Adult me (mature , there's a joke!) get that. I recently had to say no to my two grown sons when they wanted to make yet another little loan from me. The two boys reacted completely differently. The one immediately sent me a text, highly on the offence. The other one simply ignored my text. However, I refused to react to their reaction.
For three days I waited. For three days I cried. I was devastated and a was hurting. All the while, my husbands was supporting me, and tried to be optimistic for me. I wailed in agony. I lay awake sobbing softly.
I digress. So on the third day they called, wanting to come and visit. I said," Yes, of course, you are always welcome". Nervously welcoming them by the car, I was completely taken aback when they both hugged and kissed me and told me they were sorry for their reaction.
When I finally put my foot down, they came back to me and they realized that they were selfish. They even went further and started a little endeavor - steeming, of course. Now they are actually - almost - self-supporting. I had always known I should say no, but it was difficult.
Maybe it will make it easier the next time around.
Many hugs. I'm sorry you went through so much hurt, but glad your boys came around! The thing that stands out to me is your own loving response.. which surely has influenced your sons as well. It does get easier.