Personal boundaries - Part 1
Have you ever felt as if people just walk right over you?
I have often felt this way. Unfortunately I have the tendency to easily say yes when someone asks me to do something for them. Sometimes I say yes without even thinking about it thoroughly. This has often resulted in me being overworked.
My boss has a tendency to take advantage of me in this way. On top of my current full workload, he often gives me extra work to do, because he knows that he has a 100 percent chance that the work will be done correctly. This means that I have to work during my personal time to finish my actual work.
I have recently come to the conclusion that I do not set enough personal boundaries.
Personal boundaries are the physical, emotional and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others. They allow us to separate who we are, and what we think and feel, from the thoughts and feelings of others.
Boundaries are very important to help protect and care for oneself.
As we grow older our whole life changes. When our children grow up, we have more free time, and the way we look at life changes. Suddenly things that were important, is not so important to us anymore. We get more relaxed because we have achieved certain goals in life and this changes the way that we think. BUT we are so used to doing things the way we have always done them, that it is difficult to set boundaries.
Change takes time
This is not something that will happen overnight, but because our outlook on life changes, we often need to make some changes to our personal lives AND to the way we do things. In reality you get to a point where you need to get rid of baggage. Baggage meaning ANYTHING that irritates you or is no longer making you happy.
Boundaries define you as a person. If you set boundaries, people will know exactly where they stand with you and they would know exactly what to expect from you. Certain boundaries could help eliminate a lot of stress and conflict from your life.
Life is not just about work. Obviously if you work towards a goal, you work hard but personal boundaries are also needed so that your goal doesn't take over your whole life. You still need personal time and time with your family. Ultimately family is the most important thing in the world.
I have never heard anyone on their deathbed saying: "I wish I worked harder." But I have heard people saying: "I wish I spent more time with my family."
It is never too late for change.....
How do you set personal boundaries?
Make a list of all the things in your life that irritates you and prevents you from functioning normally. Once you have a specific goal in mind, you can work towards specific things, and make the necessary changes to your life. Be very specific when you set your boundaries, because people need to know exactly where they stand. You need to listen to yourself ... that inner voice always tells the truth....
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Just as we set boundaries for our children during the stages of their lives, without which they could not grow into responsible, successful adults why then can we as adults live without boundaries. I agree fully with your insight. A terrific article.
i love this quote
Good personal boundaries are very important @giantbear... and it's one of those things I have had to work on for much of my adult life. And you're quite right... it's never too late for change... I feel like I became a "better version" of myself around age 38-40.
Wait for when you are 45 then that need for personal boundaries kicks you out of your comfort zone...lol!
Excellent post and a great reminder, our choices determine our experience of life, learning to say no is not easy but once mastered brings freedom and ownership of a chosen future. I am still learning and always will be I think. Thank you for the post
Personal boundaries are needed at every part of life.Without them, we are just vulnerable to the outside world and even from ourselves. We could do something aweful ourselves if we don't set the personal boundaries. It's good for our own personal growth.
You have written really well @giantbear . A big thumbs up for your work
Excellent piece and very true - us as teachers tend to be suckers for punishment but I have learned a long time ago that NO is not a swear word. You must first of all make yourself happy
Very good post. :) You might be interested in reading about the ways people use manipulative tactics to get past our boundaries, such as fear, obligation and guilt. It is very hard to resist these tactics, but once you recognise them, it becomes a tiny bit easier.
Again, I appreciate the post. As I tell some of my sweeter and more service-oriented friends (who are regularly taken advantage of), if you don't want to do it, just say NO! You don't need a reason beyond that you don't want to!
Very wise words. Sharing!
All three of my children are grown and out of the house.
I have rediscovered myself and my interests. I've become quite the gardener and attempting my hand at herbs and fun crafts. But, tone honest, i find some days i get irritated by interruptions. I know, it's selfish but i feel its my time, my space.
So i completely understand this post.
My son left for university this year in January and it has been a big change in my life. I am still struggling. That one change made me want to make a few changes in my life. So many things I want to change so I am slowly getting there.
How to put your foot down? That is the difficult thing. I do not ask other people for favors, unless I absolutely have to. Most people also know my boundaries, but then there are the others... Ironically, they are the people that are the most important to me, like my husband, my grown children, my sister. The reason I find it so difficult to say no to them, is because I have a deep seated fear that they might love me less. In other words, I fear their reaction if I refuse. "Tough love" is a way of setting boundaries, but everyone that had ever been in that type of situation, will tell you that it is the most difficult thing to do.
If they love you less because you stand up for yourself, their love is conditional, and therefore not actually love. You need to ask yourself if this love is worth keeping. On the other hand, if you say no, they might respond well. They might respect you more, and show that their love for you is true. Is this a possibility?
It is most definitely a possibility. It is just the lonely child in me speaking. Adult me (mature , there's a joke!) get that. I recently had to say no to my two grown sons when they wanted to make yet another little loan from me. The two boys reacted completely differently. The one immediately sent me a text, highly on the offence. The other one simply ignored my text. However, I refused to react to their reaction.
For three days I waited. For three days I cried. I was devastated and a was hurting. All the while, my husbands was supporting me, and tried to be optimistic for me. I wailed in agony. I lay awake sobbing softly.
I digress. So on the third day they called, wanting to come and visit. I said," Yes, of course, you are always welcome". Nervously welcoming them by the car, I was completely taken aback when they both hugged and kissed me and told me they were sorry for their reaction.
When I finally put my foot down, they came back to me and they realized that they were selfish. They even went further and started a little endeavor - steeming, of course. Now they are actually - almost - self-supporting. I had always known I should say no, but it was difficult.
Maybe it will make it easier the next time around.
Many hugs. I'm sorry you went through so much hurt, but glad your boys came around! The thing that stands out to me is your own loving response.. which surely has influenced your sons as well. It does get easier.