Things are coming together again
As I sit at my computer shoving my face full of bean sprouts waiting for a student to arrive, I am contemplating the last few weeks. I got really stinking depressed you guys. It always feels so dumb after I finally feel better. I am like: oh THATS what that was about???
this photo turned out kind of gross, its a screenshot using my computer camera while i wait hahah but I just have to, because this photo marks the return of my humor, and the official end of this horrid bout of MEH:
Basically, i seem to get really depressed whenever my own vision for myself gets lost or confused. I really need to be creating, making, doing... most of the time. Or I get so weird! If I get sick , or if I start hanging out with friends too much, work piles up and I get behind.. if that goes on too long.. I just start getting so down. This time I really learned how important, I mean just super critical, a routine is for me.
Because once I started sleeping and eating better, I felt so much better
Why does it always seem so impossible to feel good when one is feeling bad. It just doesnt seem feasible that for example, eating vegetables and going on a run would do ANYTHING.
And it didnt at first. I started running every day and felt a little better, but still like crap.
I drank enough water, and still felt like crap.
But then I got a little more sleep. That felt better
I rearranged my entire bedroom and made my bed area into a beautiful peaceful sanctuary. That made me smile.
Then I ate vegetables not once, but TWICE IN ONE DAY.
I think all these things had to accumulate in order to bring change. And now today is like normal. I feel good. I have a positive outlook again. I feel like I can just DO stuff. I dont feel all wretched and lonely. Cool things are happening. My wheels are turning. My flow is flowing!
I think I am still maybe a teensy bit on the low side of energy still, but I just finally passed some critical threshold and do not feel like hiding in bed all day!
So if you are feeling bad, make sure your routines are back in order before you just totally give up on yourself!
None of those things are curing me totally.. but I just feel so many times better that I really learned my lesson. I have to get 8 hours of sleep most nights. I cant really drink very often. I sadly cannot live on bagels and pizza and burritos, even though I kind of wish i could. I have to exercise once a day , or once every other day.
I can go without some of these things some times. But if every day all i am doing is eating a bagel as my one main meal in a day, and laying in bed on my phone until 3 am .... DUH i am going to feel like shit.
Okay? I am not superhuman.
Unless I do all my healthy shit. Then I can do anything.
For example, I can take a goobery selfie that looks like a school photo:
Yay, I like this! Just because... Helpful to hear, and glad to see you understand how to pull through it when it happens - because it inevitably always does.
Maybe you can make it happen less often, or find ways to pull yourself out of it faster, but it's still going to happen. What's wonderful, and probably most healthy is that you can admit it, face it, realize you're not perfect, nor are you necessarily meant to be. Perfect should never be the goal, anyway. But balance. Which is healthy. Health. And well being that comes with that. But it does so often seem like you go up so far and then you come back down, even if just to internally regulate or rest a bit. And, I think in some way, that's just life, for everyone even if we do have the healthiest habits and best of intentions.
And, especially, this seems to be a thing for women. As women, I think we're more prone to deal with self image related confidence issues. And one thing that maybe we take for granted when we're not so in tune with our natural rhythms - is hormones. The effect that female hormones have on your mood, your mind, is massive. I can chart mine across a month, and as much as I know to predict it and can feel it coming, I always end up laughing or sighing at myself in frustration that I let those hormone induced highs and lows of mood fool me again. We're animoos, after all. We very much are at the mercy of the chemicals in our brains more than we may realize or want to admit.
And you're right about many things, all of it rings true and practical, but one part I agree with the most...is humor. When you get sad, when you start doubting yourself, even hating yourself, the first thing you lose is your humor. Humor is such a simple fix for so many things. I've found that I can use it as a regulator of my mental health. Because I know when I start to lose my humor, something has gone wrong. I'm in a bad place. Opening yourself to humor is like letting off a pressure value. Regardless of whatever other changes you make to be well, always keeping humor in the mix has to be the best kept secret to staying young in your heart and mind and even physically. That's what makes a goobery selfie such a beautiful thing in my eyes. It means you've found balance and confidence in yourself. That's true beauty that comes from inside, and I'm happy for you you've found yours again.
(And fyi, as if it even needs mentioning, I struggle with all this just the same. I think almost everyone does. It's good that you can admit it enough to work on it. We're never going to arrive at some point of completion in life till death. I think it's better to accept the constant challenges, than to ever admit defeat.) Also, I've been eating cookies while I write this...and the shadow pattern or whatever that is from the curtain is really neat looking behind you. And and...second edit here, after reading comments, yes, I vote for "Go the Fuck to Sleep" as well. What is it like five years old? It'll be a bedtime classic soon.
Yes I think what happens that causes me to feel even shittier is I start getting impostor syndrome. I am coaching other people out of their funks! I help other people. So it really makes me doubt myself when I am struggling to follow my own advice. Or when I follow my own advice but then I am STILL dragging. I am listening to Kristen Neff's Self Compassion though right now and its helping too. Accepting where we are is a lot smoother of a ride than struggling against it. And I just want to do the healthy stuff meanwhile because why make it worse. And it is giving me some relief.
I hear what you are saying about hormones. I think thats so freaking real too. It sucks, its so made fun of and discounted. But its true. I think I might have had a huge hormone crash of some kind where I lost all my energy. When I say depressed in this case... i wasnt even crying or anything most of the time. Just one big tired exhausted ball of sadness / apathy. It was two solid weeks of it so I think there was some other contributing factors too, but having the body crash out does not help! But thats another reason to have as healthy of a lifestyle as possible. I just want to stack the odds in favor of at least okayish energy levels, and at least moderate inspiration .....
Anyway its nice to see you again! Havent seen you in forever!
Yeah, for sure, that imposter syndrome when it attacks, is lethal. Thanks for the reference. I'll have to bookmark that to listen to. (And I really will... I love media references.) Self compassion and self acceptance is so much harder than it sounds. Such an evolving work in progress. Even a fight with yourself to maintain. And I think a lot of the stuff we write into the realm of philosophy, while it has place to be discussed there, really is animal, and chemical, at least at the root. It's a relief knowing that, in a way. Because it can be regulated. It's alterable in some way that makes sense, at least to some degree. Like you say, with routine, good health habits, supplements even. I know there are some good supplements for hormone balance that aren't too pricey to have on hand. At the very least, a good whole food multi-vitamin. I know a lot of the energy and emotional imbalances can be traced back to simple lack of essential vitamins sometimes. Things like Vitamin D have such an effect on well being. I know my best reset is to usually sleep outside for a couple days. Whenever I feel wrong physically or mentally, I find a reason to sleep outside for a while. Not sure all the reasons why, but it does seem to work really well. Add walking to that and it seems to help twice as well.
I'm really not sure what to say right now. I just came back around to write you a reply and saw what a generous upvote I received. Wasn't expecting that at all. I enjoy this kind of engagement on here. I wish I did have time for more of it. It's nice to bump into you again too! I haven't been on here much at all in a long while. Anyway, thanks for writing posts like this. I do enjoy reading them. :)
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Thank you. :)
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I am not a surfer but I'm still riding the waves of depression and all other emotions myself on an almost daily basis.
These kind of posts - especially when written by friends - immediately make me feel better. This month, I'm also trying to rebuild my daily meditation habit ( that I stuck to in March and April ) and let go from May onwards.
Walks in nature and nature overall, creating, reading, sleeping, food and peace and quite/ alone time as well as spending time with fun people/ people that I care about are feel good ingredients too.
C ya around :>)
Glad to see a happy @dflo back at it. :)
p.s. Read us a bedtime story?
I found the perfect book to read you. You want it in a blog post or on the radio?
LMAO, is it "Go the Fuck to Sleep" ?
I say make a story time with dflo post or stream. :)
i second that motion @dflo
A happy Dflo is a good thing!
I like your picture! :-)
i hear exactly what you are saying. i also struggle day to day with depression and anxiety.
most days i struggle to get down to the water to 'do the work'
even more so now its school holidays, and my town is a tourist hotspot. means 'my spot' is taken.
but i still push on, because, although not many people vote on my stuff, i KNOW that the people that DO see it, really enjoy it.
quite impressed today. i decided to use 3 devices instead of the usual 2, meaning that i got to set up 2x the ammount of timelapses, AND take pics while they were doing their thing.
alas, my connection is slow atm, so my 2 minute video is going to take an hour to upload unfortunately. but i guess thats not a bad thing, considering its 630pm here in oz, which means its, like 4am stateside. so by the time it uploads and i can post, some people will actually be awake ;)
anyways, ive waffled on too long.
thanks for posting. have bookmarked ure main blog ( following doesnt work for me cos i lose focus too quickly) - so each day i can just 'open all in tabs' and peruse my fave people :D
there are only a few things that can pull me out of a funk. reading, writing and, for some reason, doing the dishes or chopping veggies.
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