Fear of Abandonment
I've written about fear of abandonment and codependency a bit in the past and I want to dive into this topic again with more perspective. I feel that the biggest breakthrough I've had about fear of abandonment is realizing that it manifests in very opposing ways. At first glance fear of rejection and fear of commitment don't seem to stem from the same place, but if we take a step back and consider that fear of rejection and attachment are both just symptoms of a fear of abandonment, then we can see people that have an opposite reactive behavior are fundamentally the same.
Breaking down a fear of rejection was my first step in removing the illusion of duality. It's not an easy step to break down all of the symptoms and work to find the root cause of our irrational behaviors, but if we do, we can accept them for what they are and heal these behaviors. Fear of rejection manifests many symptoms such as keeping people at a distance, social anxiety, and one of the worsts in my opinion is the subtle fear of commitment that comes from being afraid to try things. Removing the illusion of duality allows it to become more clear how much these fears are really the same thing.
I never felt like I had a fear of commitment, but it's clear that I did and it just manifested in a way that I couldn't see before. I always felt like one of those people that would go all in on something that I perceived myself as good at, and that most likely stems from childhood positive and negative reinforcement. While fear of commitment can look like running from things we want or never finishing things we start, it's clear that the same core issues and anxieties manifest even if they appear opposite. Social anxiety as opposed to paranoia of being alone, for example, seem very opposite, but what I've found is they are actually the same thing and just manifest more prominently one way or the other depending on the individual and where the fear of abandonment is based.
There can be many reasons or "core wounds" that trigger these "irrational fears" that we have. Personally, I found many of mine rooted in childhood, and while I don't blame my parents for who they are or how they raised me, some of them did come from their actions. It's a good lesson for me personally to be mindful of how I interact and the things I say to others. I feel that this also helps me to identify that sometimes a person's behavior that I find irrational and directed at me isn't always about me. It also makes me more mindful of why I choose to let go of others and it doesn't have to be a reactionary decision. I believe we all have the ability to find and address our "core wounds" if we are willing to put in the work and address the traumatic events that created them, but we have to have the desire and willpower to change and heal ourselves. I hope this is helpful in some way. Namaste.
this is very good friend. I can understand the science of the posts you share. and very useful for me. I will do as you say about our nature.
Another great post. Interesting brainfood, thanks.
Aw :( Fear of abandonment is a angry, lurking beast that you wont even notice until it's too late, especially because it's so hard to help.
The concept that some opposing reactions stem from the same motivations is an interesting one, and the fact that they have similar solutions even more so. I wish you'd go into more detail- did you mentally break it down? Did you make any life changes?
It's definitely an internal change and it stems from mindfulness. The more mindful we are of our own thoughts, the more we control where our mind goes. Basically when I work through a fear or anxiety, I view it like a thought bubble in my hand and trace it backwards, like "okay why do I feel this way?" Trace that thought back to what's causing me to feel that way and then is it still relevant? Is that the source? It's kind of like following the chain of thoughts back to the "core wound" and acknowledging it and accepting it for what it is. There is no reason to be afraid of your mother emotionally manipulating you if you no longer let her control your life for example. You no longer need to fear your father hitting you if he's dead or out of your life, etc. Most of those core wounds I found came from incidents with my parents, but there was a few based in school and being bullied etc. I usually tell anyone that's actually interested that at the core of all of these fears that I had to work through was an underlying need for control or to feel in control. The truth that I found is that the only thing we actually control is our feelings and the rest is all going to happen as it will.
Control is such a driving force- I know that feel for sure. Still working on the letting go piece- but I appreciate how in depth you went with this!
Willingness to change is everything in this fast-paced world. At least that's what my sex bot said when I asked him what to reply...:lmao:
LOL, sex bots are often quite insightful.
Good job. Very important sentences in this post. Thanks.
I had been abandoned too many times at first time it was frightening but when j learned to. Love myself more I realise it wasn't so terrifying to be alone afterall