On Loss, and Growth (Part 2)

Fifteen months have passed since the loss I described in Part 1.
Dust begins to settle on the change and upheaval of last year: my mother-in-law's move, my new role as owner of the dojo my departed teacher left behind, life with a less stable income and more flexible schedule. Anger, resistance, and fear of moving on are fading.

A note about fear: maybe this is always part of life after a loss, but fear was the emotion that crept up and surprised me after losing two men who were essentially father figures. I thought I was a capable adult in my late thirties, but I now see there was always someone standing between me and the greater responsibilities which now terrified me.

Whether or not my husband and I are ready to take care of an adult in her late 70's is irrelevant; there is no one else. Whether or not I am ready to run the business I helped build for nearly 10 years is hardly relevant; either I step forward or the whole thing collapses. Like it or not, I have to become the person who does these things. And as the bottle cap above clearly states, "Becoming starts with being."

Photo by Bill Aquino

I want so much to wrap this up neatly, to tell you how I've grown and the lessons you can take away - but that's all there is, really. Becoming starts with being. It doesn't matter what I am not, it matters what I am. Don't misread that as a feel-good platitude. It is about self-forgiveness, but that's not all it is.

You can’t grow from some imaginary start point; your growth starts from where you are now. What do you want to be in the future? You can't just go there; you have to grow into it. That growth starts today, building from this exact moment and each moment that follows.

In the image above, I'm practicing with my teacher's teacher (Goto Shihan) in the first seminar hosted by my dojo since I took ownership. We manged to break even on that event and a second one in Spring. I am proud of this, but I still feel insecure.

Today I worked 5 billable hours at the clinic and received a paycheck. I did not feel like doing my paperwork, but I conquered the demon of procrastination by telling myself I'd just sit down and do 3 notes. I got into flow and finished all 5. I got home in time to play Minecraft with my son and do some writing.

Tomorrow (actually today, as I am signing off past midnight) is my 39th birthday. I will get a workout and join my dojo friends for some lunch. I'm going to give myself credit for my growth so far as a leader of that group. Being humble is a virtue, but it isn't serving me where leadership is what's most needed. Then, I'll enjoy the rest of my birthday with my family.

It's going to take courage and focus to sustain the growth I expect of myself this year. It will also require time to relax, reflect, and simply enjoy being.

Sensei and Papa, I am still learning from you.