I was raised with the belief that you could accomplish anything if you tried hard enough. That's a warm thought to know that everyone is able to build their dream life, even now I am still learning that this simple lesson at the foundation of my childhood- Was not true at all. It used to confuse me to see people homeless, in bad situations or having problems. Why don't they just solve it? I know that I wouldn't purposely put myself into these scenarios, so why would anyone else if there was a way out?

Mental illness and poverty are very real. Everyone is not dealt the same cards, and to be honest- I started out with an unbelievably amazing hand, but this, my hardest struggles, and how my thinking got this way, are being saved for another day. This is a story of the recent experience that leads to me realizing that as horrible as it is to look down on others, it is equally as bad to assume that everyone has the same possibilities and the same cards to play for their future as you.

Image Source

It's Not Real Until You Say It

... But once you do, it begins to materialize. Even if the only person you said it to was yourself. A couple of nights ago, I was sitting online when I decided to ask one of my friends how they were doing. Built with a high-achiever mindset, but recently dealt a shitty hand, he began to unravel a story to me on how they had lost control of his life. There's a fan, but the shit has yet to hit it. I get that, sometimes I think my life is in shambles- Even when objectively, everything's pretty peachy.

We decided to talk it out and maybe introduce new angles when I started to notice something well, f****** weird. I would have missed it entirely if we were in person and not reading text. Everything he had to say was to put himself down, I began to scroll up- For a second, I sat still... because I simply couldn't understand. I began to feel confused, dreadful and... angry?

Maybe I was displaced because I saw my past self in it. Not even from that long ago, where anytime I did something not ideal- I'd call myself an idiot, or a retard. If someone wanted to know why I wasn't doing something, I'd tell them that I wasn't smart enough to. Sometimes I would stop everything, and ask myself;

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Spoiler alert. Nothing's wrong, unless you think it is. I didn't factor this in before, but had changed that behavior because it was probably not healthy. Only after seeing someone else beat themselves down this hard, I realized how destructive and impactful words are. If he could only change one thing, out of the many problems and worries that were plaguing him, I would want it to be the way he talked about himself.

I wanted all these things for someone else, that I couldn't change for him. I wanted him to forgive himself when he fails, I wanted him to trust that he can learn and improve, I wanted him to love himself to not be too harsh.

We know nobody is perfect, so why do we still punish ourselves when we aren't?

---

Brainstorm Problem Solving

I don't think that anyone who ever comes to you with a problem actually wants advice. They want a listener or a second opinion, or even a perspective they haven't considered so they can figure it out themselves. Maybe just reassurance that their problem is real. I'm extremely guilty of saying the things I do, or did when I try to think of the closest situation that I could relate to- I talk about myself. Even if it wouldn't apply to them, maybe something I learned can help inspire them too.

We met up in person, to try to further hash out some thoughts. I had been in this headspace before and wanted to share how I climbed out. I felt silly explaining that I say to myself; "good job!" or other small things that cheer myself on, or make me feel good about being me in general. Sometimes out loud, and even in my written diaries, memos, next to schedule and list headers I write things like; "You got this c:", "I believe in you!" The only person that ends up reading them is me, but it puts a smile on my face. It's like the me from yesterday, believes in the me from today.

---

There is no rule anywhere that says you can't talk nicely to yourself.

---

Positive speech has similar properties to negative speech as they are both self-fulfilling prophecies. If you say you can do it, you might be able to- you might not. However, if you say you can't- you can't. Why believe if it's not guaranteed? Because unless you believe in something, it does not exist.

I always used to hear "seeing is believing", but it's in a way, incomplete. If you believe with your heart, then you can see with your eyes. If someone can see what you can see, then maybe they will also believe. Passion expressed, and becoming understood.

"Sitting still, seeing eye to eye... where he is coming from. I used to wreck my mind thinking that it was impossible to believe in someone who doesn't believe in themselves. Yet, dumbfounded I was to believe with my heart by seeing the vision in his eyes, hoping that his own heart would catch up to see my belief of him in mine." -Sheryl

---

Why We Shouldn't Punish Ourselves

What exactly do we aim to achieve by being meaner to ourselves for not being the best... When we had tried our best? When I had gotten a bad grade, I would tell myself that I cannot go outside at all until my grades show a drastic improvement. I would not have snacks or play games, or doing anything enjoyable if I messed up anywhere in my plan. I don't know exactly what we think it's supposed to do, but I know what it does.

When we punish ourselves for fucking up, it reinforces the idea that we are unworthy of our goals. It's a way to demonstrate that we don't deserve the things we want because we can't do the things we should. Beating ourselves up makes us feel bad, we think that we are pushing ourselves but demotivation may be closer to the truth. We become strict when we have high expectations of ourselves (and why not? We should always want the best for ourselves), thus easing the process to give up completely if we make a small mistake. This is not learning from failure, but forcing success by trying to obtain something that we don't think we can.

My friend thought him over-rewarding himself was the core issue. I thought the opposite, that he guilted and punished himself too much. You don't have to do something amazing to want to do something nice for yourself. When I mess up now or have a bad day or things happen outside my preferences, I do the next thing that would make me happy. I take that nap, or buy that energy drink, or binge watch anime, I buy myself those 6 bags of chips. Is this irresponsible? Only if you think it is. You can do things to cheer yourself up. I tied hard and it's okay, let's do something else and not linger my mood or my time on it any longer. The best part is that when I finally feel better, I am willing to try again.

---

It Doesn't Work That Way For Him

I'm aware everyone is different, but in hindsight, it was beyond ignorant to think that these strange methods are going to work for everyone. I felt like I came off apathetic in concern, but this change helped me more than I knew it could. I'm not ignoring the problems, but reframing them to be less big in my mind. I started to see how my behavior appears immature, or how this plan I have won't work for not just him, but most people. I try again.

I elaborated on my long-term results. I could now afford to play, relax, and enjoy myself to the fullest because when it's time to be responsible, pull through crackdown, and all-in I inherently knew that I would do it. Maybe sometimes I play around a bit much, but it's how I invest in myself to do a good job.

The fucked up thing
was that I thought
that everyone has this little voice,
an inner sense of knowing
that knows everything will be okay
So you can enjoy yourself now,
and trust yourself to now to not create
the feeling of guilt nor regret later.

There exists a special level of hell, (one of many wooo!) where you cannot understand a person's struggle because you treat others as though they have the same blessings, knowledge, and lessons as you. Just like how he knows things I've never heard of, he doesn't know the same things that I know. If life was a video game, it's like I was asking him to use a move his character didn't learn, or can't use because they are a different class.

---

The Choice Argument

We see people in terrible situations every day. There are many that chalk it up to laziness, not working hard enough, and basically choosing to be miserable failures. The thing is, people can only choose to be miserable if they know it's a choice... Among other options. There can be an infinite number of possibilities around you at any given moment, but if you don't believe they exist-

They're all invisible to you, they may as well not exist. To the person who thinks they have no choice, it doesn't exist. Tell me, how are you supposed to choose something, act on something, change something if you can't even perceive what this "something" is?

If you could see the future (by machine, premonition, voodoo magic, or any other means) would you not do anything differently than you are now? If you received extra knowledge that would have an amazing impact on your life, you would take action. The same thing for traveling back in time, you would tell yourself to invest- Shit, I would too. That's the fucked up thing. Just because you can see how a person's issue can be resolved, it doesn't mean that they can see it from your eyes, nor that your idea would actually be applicable to their situation. I wanted to help so bad, that I forcefully dragged someone down an endless hall of doorways- That must have looked like a wall to him. I did my best to put my self in his shoes, fully equipped with my knowledge, understanding, experiences, and gear... That he didn't have, sending him into battle. When he puts his shoes back on, his stats revert back to his own.

Reflecting now, I wondered what I looked like to him. Some egotistical sadist, that thinks every problem is a solvable opportunity. Getting mad that he couldn't just temporarily suspend his beliefs for a moment. That I am so carefree that everything just magically works out and I can play whenever I want. How thoughtless would a person have to be to toss advice so whimsical and far-fetched that you would have to be insane to think I was serious, and not just mocking you? My life is incredibly easy, why isn't yours? What's wrong with yo

I think that people at some times view life like it is a puzzle, where certain pieces have a destined placement (at least we would like them to!). I also see a puzzle, but one where each piece has a different picture, and all of them are squares of the same size. It really doesn't matter where you put them as long as all of the pieces are from the original puzzle. If you want something enough, it will fit.

"If I do my homework tomorrow, I can spread my assignment out. Or I could do it the next day... Or the day that it's due. Nono, that's probably a bad idea and I'd freak out." I ponder, visualize, then simulate how it would work based on everything else going on. "If I do this, I have to cancel this. What if I move this?" It's not that I am always playing, but that I created a life where I can easily move my schedule to accommodate desire. "Where there's a will, there's a way," is only the tip of the iceberg. I chose to do my homework early this week and finished all of my assignments 3 days ahead, which I had not planned to do at all- thus more time.

You can operate in a life where even if there is no possibility for something to happen, you can want it hard enough that a choice leading to it will materialize. This is my harsh rant. You hear about unbelievable true stories of wealth, fortune, luck, and incomprehensible life-changing experiences all the time.

---

Everyone constantly butchers the saying; "It's too good to be true." By saying this you are declaring to your choices and possibilities; "This is too good... to be true for me."

---

Can't Force an Incompatible Reality

Physical reality is a strong veil. You can be standing a foot away from someone on the same physical plane, but just because you experience a hell, it doesn't mean they get dragged into too... A heaven cannot be shared in complete darkness... Without a "blind" leap of faith. I cannot religion, but if you think about it this way, hell is everywhere- but heaven is too! Existential crisis aside, breathing a sigh. Again, blissful ignorance, what I do doesn't work when you work 50+ hours a week and have a set schedule time.

Many of my hobbies aren't time sensitive, and the only time I need to "be somewhere" is for my part-time job. This is probably why I don't like it, even though it's a good gig. I can do my homework and study at my leisure, you know- as long as I do it, the freedom is worth the responsibility. Other than work there is no schedule no timeline, just a flexible guideline of my life. I made my life the way it is, because that's what I wanted to do. I couldn't move towards it, however, until after discovering it was possible. Even if I want the best for someone, I still need to be considerate and respectful to not try to live for them.

---

"I can do it, you can too!"
"I can do it, why can't you?"

---

He probably realized that I wasn't being a jackhole on purpose and saw that I believed what I said. So he ended our conversation by noting that he didn't have a bunch of achievements to look back on to guide him like I did. It's not only achievements that are recalled. Anything I majorly fuck up can be replayed like the recording was just taken, anything that someone expresses with extreme emotion that I don't understand is permanently imprinted as well. My theory is that the subconscious tries to salvage useful information that can be learned from/used later. If you recall it, it is probably important in some way.

If I only knew how big my achievements looked in his eyes. If he only knew that even the smallest, most insignificant sounding victory counts as an achievement to me too.

---

Hope you enjoyed my blog. See ya next time!~