The power of words vs the power of silence

When to speak

I’ve always been a talker. I can go on for hours about the things I’m interested in which includes hobbies like music, massage, alternative communities...and also what i sometimes call “deep shit”, human nature, reality, and life itself.

When I have an idea, and I have many, my first reaction is to talk about it. I share it with friends, and debate it over and over again. This is probably a habit I developed when I was in junior school because I had found more friends I could connect with at a deeper level on AOL (3.0) then I did in my school. And so I’d go deep with these friends because we had nothing but words to play with.

This was a good practice for a few reasons. I became very clear about how I felt regarding just about any topic. Once I got over my shyness, I became able to share those ideas in depth. I also had an opportunity to learn many things from the people I talked to and understand people intuitively. I’d like to think my EQ is pretty decent and I imagine this is where it came from.

I have noticed, living in Asia for a while now, that most western people tend to talk a whole lot. I’d go so far as to say that a majority of English speakers are afraid of silence. It’s kind of like how many young people Awaya go straight to their phones, most people from the west go to whatever topic they can find when they aren’t on their phones.

I got over this fear of silence making groups of friends who do not speak English together. Sometimes I couldn’t understand and sometimes I could but I couldn’t respond well and so many times I was silent. But I wanted to understand so I was silent myself. I also find myself in situations where people don’t talk and it’s actually quite nice to share their company and enjoy

When to shut up

Someone close to me recently came out and said what I suspected a few of my closest friends here are probably thinking. Apparently, I still talk way too much. I agree with her.

In general, I talk less than the people from my hometown, and less than western people out at a bar, but when I’m excited or with someone I feel really comfortable with, I go on forever.

Usually the first 20 minutes or hour, it’s really great, the other person is enjoying the conversation and I’m in the zone because I love people and I love sharing ideas.

But after a while the momentum dies and I don’t know when to shut up. I want to keep elaborating to make sure I didn’t miss anything.

It’s worst with someone I’m living with or someone I’m in a romantic relationship with. Since we spend lots of time together, I tend to bring up whatever I’m thinking. In many western countries it’s considered common courtesy to show interest and to reply. If someone is honest and outgoing enough, they may even tell the person, “hey, chill out, I’m tired.” Here, not always, it’s best to try and read how the other person feels otherwise they will get into a habit of spacing out while you talk and pretending to listen, or even avoiding you.

Sometimes I get excited about something and want to share it. I’ll tell friends suddenly without warning. This may be common among some friends but I think it can also be a bit jarring. What if someone’s family member just died and you tell them “Hey man, I just found this amazing cafe!”. Sure it’s not really a big deal, but it’s kind of like playing hip hop at a hoe down (Not that I’ve ever been to a hoe down). It’s like cooking a dish with garlic for someone who doesn’t like garlic. It can be an invasion of personal space or just a bit unpleasant. Not a big deal but also not really nice.

The last situation I find myself talking too much is when I get excited and spend far more time sharing my ideas than actually living them, talking about a plan of action 80% of the time and acting it out 20% of time. What a waste of energy!

I find myself talking about my plans to record music, finish a story, make money, make life more interesting far more than I should.

This is actually the benefit of social media and blogging. Rather than repeat things a hundred times to a hundred people, you can say it once or twice and then get to work!

Sometimes words have power behind them and move the world around us in little ways or big. Sometimes they deflate our intentions and lose the momentum we are trying to build or maintain.

So I’ve decided that next time I get excited about something and want to talk about it, I’ll write an article about it and talk about it a whole lot less. Of course if someone is interested, I’ll still share during conversation, but I’m going to put my energy into the channels it is meant for, rather than scattering my energy about at random. I’ll become a sniper rather than a shotgun.

See you on the other side!

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