Stop treating children like they are stupid

in #parenting8 years ago

bucatra

Everywhere I look for parenting advice I see over worried, micro managers, that treat children like they are about to kill themselves every minute of the day. From my own experience, of my own childhood, I know that this is just not true.

Children have, like us, a self preservation mechanism.

They feel fear you know! They will not jump from the balcony intentionally. In many ways a child is more of a risk taker than most adults, but this helps him learn faster, explore further. Don't worry he heals faster, it's more elastic, it's short, all that helps to minimize injury. I know parents are always afraid to have a brain damaged child. In that fear however they cocoon him so much that as an adult his brain matures slower, you practically deny him the right to become an all independent adult by not letting him develop properly.

What you should do, is let him explore, but make sure the environment is not dangerous, dangers that he is not aware of. He can never make good decisions if you make all of them for him.

The child and the lack of knowledge.

This is the main problem, as a child, you have no idea what all of the world means. You have the tools, but you have to learn, and learn hard. The role of the parent, is only to guide, not to impose, force, decide for, no, if you want to have a child that grows to be an independent adult, you have to control yourself. All you have to do in the knowledge department is to teach, when your child asks 1000 billion questions you better answer them, and answer them well. If you reject your child and say, "I don't have time, leave me alone" don't be surprised if he goes and blows up the house because he is curious. He want to know the answer to the question so he goes and makes an experiment, he can get hurt if you are not there for him.

Also these makes him trust you less, if you deny him the opportunity to experiment and understand, you won't make it stop, he will do that behind your back, and that is dangerous. Do experiments with your child, it's fun, he can act while you control the situation.

Child of emotions.

Until the age of 6 a child learns to control emotional impulses. The so called tantrums, anger, happiness, happen without full control from the frontal cortex so if you get mad on then for being emotional you didn't read anything about child development and that is your fault. In the case of tantrums you should try to calm him with love and understanding, a soothing voice, a smile. Don't ever use sweets, toys, things that he wants to calm him down. Look at what does to the forming mind. You incentivize him to feel that rage because you reward it. That will make rage more common. Don't hit your child, well never, but in this instance you will also fuel his rage. Remember if you are upset, and the other person starts to hit you to help you feel better, does it work? NO.

Your child is learning to master emotions, don't hinder him, be nurturing, don't put gas on the fire and think you made it better.

Be the adult you want your child to be.

This is the hard part, if you are "all talk no action parent" you will lose respect so fast your head will spin! If the child sees you ask him to do things you yourself don't do. If you create rules that you brake, no respect. Remember, all children are born with a desire to please their parents, it's natural. It will not last if you are not fair. Don't be surprised, when older, he doesn't pay attention to what you say and becomes a "rebel", you know what that means?

It means he doesn't want to be like you, he is doing the opposite of you, his first attempt to change course.

Do these things and your child will thank you. Just look, can he argue that you answered his questions and nurtured creativity? Can he object to the freedom you allowed him? Can he argue that you made rules when you followed them? Can he not love you when you loved him even when his emotions were uncontrollable?

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Wow, that was unexpected! Thanks, glad you liked it :)

As a parent I found this far more difficult to distance from than a grandparent. That is why we need to get back to the old ways of generational living and care as opposed to day care and nursery facilities. We must not expose them to conditioning too early.

Yes a grandparent is not so stressed usually because he raised children and he understands it's not so dangerous, a good way for a child to have more freedom. Yes nursery and day care are horrible for child development. http://www.familyfacts.org/briefs/43/the-effects-of-day-care-on-the-social-emotional-development-of-children

When the child is young he wants to stay with his mother, father, grandparents, not strangers. At this stage he needs more adults around that can teach him, not other children his age.

@iuliuspro

Children should be treated exactly like adults. The more you treat children like children the harder life gets for them when they grow up. they become spoiled.

Well not exactingly like adults because they are developing. They should be treated as much as an adult that they can handle at every stage of development. (The spoiled part I believe comes from parents rewarding "bad behavior". If you continue to buy stuff when the child is not respectful or does not listen to your reasonable rules, he will internalize that you don't have to reciprocate, you can only take. Also linked to lack of connection with the mother, lack of emphatic development)

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