I've Stopped Hating Mother's Day

I used to hate Mother's Day. LOATHED it. I felt like a horrible mother, like I didn't deserve any type of celebration, and thus any 'thanks' felt undeserved and was just something to remind me that I'd brought children into this world who had to deal with my serious mental illness and dysfunction.

Now? I've dealt with the majority of my issues (but don't worry, I still have plenty to spare) and my kids are grown...

And mother's day is barely a thing.

We don't make a big deal out of it, ONLY because the things most people do to celebrate Mother's Day are the things that my kids/family do for me or with me all the time.

Sprite is the one that has to make extra effort since she has little ones of her own now, especially as a single mom, but we talk about everything and can spend hours talking without barely taking a breath. Most importantly, I think, is that she trusts me completely with her children. I know what a big deal that is.

Kainan takes me out, or comes to see me for a meal at least once a week. (He generally adds in some extra shopping or something else that we can do together for the 'holiday') He is the one that makes me laugh whenever someone says, "Enjoy those hugs, because someday soon, he'll be embarrassed of you and won't want you to hug him anymore" ... and yet he still hugs me, tells me he loves me every time he sees me.

I can talk to him about anything (and I do mean anything) and he talks to me about pretty much everything as well. AND he even takes my advice when he asks for it :) He will drop pretty much anything on a dime to help out with any family things, no coercion needed.

Jaedin brought me grapes yesterday because he knows I love frozen grapes... but he keeps me supplied all the time with the freezer he bought me for Christmas. He talks to me about everything and is yet another child who asks for and takes my advice. He's my go-to guy for any techie issues that need solved and will always take time to help me (or anyone else in the family) when we need it.

Every time he comes by (weekly, at least) he asks how I'm doing on grapes. His gf Kera is just as awesome. She offers to help with Kombucha, brought me chocolate today and always always has nice things to say about my son, my parenting and is just generally an awesome woman who makes my son very happy.

Paris and I tend to go do something like get tattoos or massages, because I think Paris understands more than anyone that I just sometimes need some... I don't know, extra decadent time that costs money I would never spend on myself. Something that we enjoy doing together.

And yet another child that talks to me about everything. (When we were away in Iowa, I made some flippant joke about her keeping secrets from me... and she stressed for two days trying to think of something she might have kept from me when she was growing up. :)

She's also my shopping buddy and always has been. I swear, it's a weird skill, but she can make even a typical grocery shopping trip seem like a deep bonding moment (usually with extra entertainment/stress relief to boot)

Abyni painted a picture for me today. That might sound like a typical 'kid' thing to do, but she was actually doing several paintings this weekend. Then she told me that she was painting them for friends... that she was painting what she saw as their souls.... and I literally started crying when she told me that, because each one she had shown me was just really mind-blowing and emotive in a way I couldn't quite place. When she told me the reasoning behind them, I was overwhelmed. I ALMOST asked her to paint one for me, but then stopped myself. I'm going through some really really rough times right now and I knew that she'd see enough of it... and I didn't want her to paint something stressful/depressing, so I didn't ask.

Later she came to me with a painting and as soon as I saw it, I was reminded of our time on the boat. There was a particular harbor that we had to get to through a small inlet. We had to hit it at a pretty precise time to avoid being smashed on the rocks.... something that's pretty hard to explain if you've never been on a boat with no engine and only sails.

Suffice it to say (and I'll write more extensively on this later), she captured the current storms in my life, in our lives... and somehow painted the exact thing that made me feel hope that we can and will get through this particular storm as well.

I just have to say that I am so thankful that I'm a mom to this humans. They aren't perfect, never have been. Neither am I.

But our relationship is solid. Their dedication to me, to this family is unmatched. Their support and love is astounding and I've really never had to deal with the "I hate you" or the stereotypical teen years.

I can not possibly convey how thankful I am to be the mom of these people. Patrick and I are so incredibly lucky to have this family and I will be forever grateful that they all got to have such awesome parents ;)

I just have to add, that the way they all support each other, and the way they've come together during our times of struggle... I couldn't be more proud of them if I tried. If I tried to write about them as fictional characters, I'd get raked over the coals, because no one would ever buy it as 'realistic'.

And just to temper this with a dose reality... they're not great at cleaning up after themselves or doing chores. And most of them swear like fucking sailors. ;)

And If I have fucked this up in some way and made one of you feel like less than the others, that was totally unintentional in my weird stream of consciousness. You're all weirdly amazing in such different ways, it's really hard to capture it all, even in this novella I've written.