Steemit Open Mic Week 69 – 'Kaleidoscope Grey' (Original Song)

• Letting Myself Be Heard •

Sharing this feels incredibly vulnerable. Not only because it's been ages since I've shared my music publicly, but also because of the subject matter.

Due to reasons I won't get into here, I had major back surgery 23 years ago – leaving me with 13 fused vertebrae, 2 eighteen inch rods and ten 'hooks' attached to my spine. The human body isn't built to be so limited in its mobility. As such, 2+ decades of zero movement in some places and way too much movement in others has led to extensive degeneration of the subsequent, unfused levels – both in my lumbar and cervical spine.

I now live with increasingly debilitating chronic pain. About a year ago, I was also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia – not instead of, but in addition to my well-known back troubles. It makes sense – my nervous system has been so bombarded by pain signals for so long that, eventually, it began reading everything as pain.

Alongside that – for the past decade and then some, I've struggled with crippling depression. The two are absolutely connected, though I didn't understand that until a couple years ago. At this point, it's impossible to distinguish one from the other – the chronic pain magnifies the depression, the depression makes it all that much harder to endure the pain.

And, yet....I persist. For the most part, I keep quiet about it. Last week, however – as I picked up my long neglected guitar and began to play – this song spilled forth. It's an intimate snapshot of an all too common scenario in my life – an honest confession about how difficult it sometimes is just to get out of bed.

Some part of me questions the wisdom in posting this as my first ever entry in the Steemit #openmic challenge, yet I feel strangely compelled to risk it.

Perhaps it'll speak to someone who needs to hear it – I know I'm not the only one who faces such difficulties.

From my heart to yours,
xo • Zippy

---

---

‘Kaleidoscope Grey’

I’m layin’ in bed, starin’ out the window, watchin’ the birch tree sway
All is quiet, 'cept the muffled sound of a distant, passing train
My eyelids are heavy, my body sore — I’ve got nowhere to be so I might as well stay

I’m fallin’ on my knees — please...have mercy on me

The mood outside matches mine, with overcast tones and soft rain
The drops bleed together against the glass, so all I see is kaleidoscope grey
It’s the same on the inside — my vision skewed, by the shifting patterns of my pain

I’m fallin’ on my knees — please...have mercy on me

It’s so damn familiar, this dreariness — the shadows, they know me by name
Though I’ve been here before and I know it’ll fade — I just can’t shake the darkness today
So I’ll keep breathing through it, rest a while, and wait for the weather to change

I’m fallin’ on my knees — please, please....have mercy on me
Oh I’m fallin’ on my knees — please...have mercy on me
Please....have mercy on me

---

All original content, including the intro illustration, sketched by yours truly.

Deep bows of gratitude for my incredibly supportive partner @taddeus, who not only endured days of endless repetition and refinement, but also manned the camera and mixed down the audio for me. He makes it all less difficult to carry.

As I explained in my recent intro post – Steemit has stirred my too long silent creativity in ways I could never have imagined it might. Huge thanks to each and every one of you, as well as @luzcypher, @pfunk and @meno for creating the #openmic challenge.

As well — cheers to @cabelindsay and @edenmichelle for alerting me to this challenge and encouraging me to participate. My heart had need of this...