[CR] I cried my eyes out on New Year’s Eve

My emotions are still tender.

I was probably the last person anyone expected to see crying her eyes out at a coffee shop and on New Year’s Eve to be exact. I’m always composed so seeing me lose control must’ve been a shock to my friends and acquaintances.

To continue where I left off in my previous post... I still haven’t been able to get a hold of my dad to discuss the past due house payment. And as a short reminder, my name is on the title of this home. I’ve written to my dad, telling him that he needs to contact my brother and maybe even my uncle but he doesn’t seem to care. He’s just trying to ‘live his life.’ I find myself pushing to hang on to him only to be discouraged when I see that he hasn’t even bothered to reply back to my messages.

Sometime in the early afternoon I got a call from the bank and I swallowed down my worries to begin taking action. The banks representative informed me that they could no longer extend the time frame for last months payment, they’d note that there were complications with collecting the funds but I’d be charged with a late fee and my credit score would get marked down as soon as the 5th. The woman on the line reassured me that things would be fine and that’s when I realize that I was showing signs of a mini panic attack with my shallow and rapid breathing. I focused on my right hand that I was using for note taking and my fingers began to tingle. I thanked her and tried to end the call as soon as possible. Tears were clouding my vision so I bundled myself up in my coat and walked outside of @caffetto to phone my sister-in-law. I paced in front of the building, shielding myself from the cold in the alley while waiting for the sound of her answer.

My sister-in-law was just ending her work shift when I called. She asked me what was up and I filled her in. It was pointless to beat around the bush so I asked her if she had any money that my dad could borrow, her answer was no. She just recently got into a car accident and needed to pay for the repair costs. Not only that but she has an upcoming hip surgery scheduled for the end of the month. I felt pathetic for asking her for help but she’s the one I turn to first. She gave me some words of encouragement and told me that I should’ve pushed harder to get my dad to sell the house. Her last word of advice before I turned to go back inside of the coffee shop was for me to get the ball rolling and to sell the house, no questions asked. I felt alone after getting off the call with my sister-in-law. I didn’t want to worry my partner or the kid so I distanced myself. My brother was at work so I couldn’t call him and as much as I wanted to call my mom for support I knew that I wasn’t stable enough to deal with her reaction.

I sent a text message to my aunt, asking if she was free to talk. Her response was quick, telling me that she’d call me in an hour. An hour felt like forever. I rocked myself back and forth in my chair trying desperately to repress my anguish. That’s when I spotted @jtheissen hanging out behind the bar. I walked up to the counter and sat myself up on one of the bar stools, thinking that a light hearted conversation could brighten my mood. He looked up from his phone with a friendly smile and asked how I was doing. Those simple words triggered me and I started to crack once again. My tears beat the words that I was so desperately trying to form and his sympathetic eyes kindly waited for me to speak first.

I wasn’t expecting to cry like I did. Up until that point I was shielding myself from the curious eyes around me but there was no way for me to conceal my sadness and frustration when a friend stand before me. I began my story, unable to contain my tears. Feeling my pain, @jtheissen hastily rounded the corner to my side of the bar to give me a hug then announced that he would make me something yummy to drink. I watched as he whisked himself around the kitchen, mixing and stirring ingredients until a lovely mocha with a light topping of whipped cream was presented. I croaked out a hoarse thank you and was transported out of my manic thoughts with the first sip. The richness of the chocolate and warmth of the drink played with my senses, soothing me. @jtheissen, seeing that I was now in a calm state began to list options for me and then we began to chat about not only my struggles this past year but everyone around us. That mocha was probably the highlight of my New Year’s Eve.

We were now gradually stepping into the evening and the original plan was for me to go home with the boys but I couldn’t. kommienezuspadt suggested that I stay at @caffetto. It’s a safe space, our friends are here, it was obvious that I needed to cry it all out and what better place to do that without worry than our punk coffee shop. He told me not to worry and said that it was okay for me to take some time for myself, he would be at home waiting for me. I felt more pressure being released. For four long months I put myself on the back shelf and silently waited when I should’ve asked for help. I should’ve known that hiding behind a mask wouldn’t be sustainable. I so desperately wanted to be the strong one, not wanting @guthrie to feel my sadness and unwilling to add more stress to @kommienezuspadt’s tiring days. That was so wrong of me.. I know myself better than anyone and I know what I need to cope with my inner demons but I ignored it.

After @kommienezuspadt’s departure, I hung out at the bar a bit longer and continued to distract myself. Finally, my fingers felt the vibration coming from my phone sitting on the counter top. I felt my throat tighten upon seeing my aunt’s name displayed on the screen. Embarrassed, I once again revealed my hardships and in return I was given more support that I could have ever dreamt. My cries shook my body as I listened to my aunt thanking me for opening up and hearing my uncle telling me to be strong. They were concerned that I might give my dad more chances but I’m done. The reality is that he’s taking advantage of my kindness, he’s not in his right mind to make responsible decisions and he’s lost my trust. I wrote up an action plan with them and now I’m ready to get the ball rolling. I know this isn’t going to be easy.

Sharing my thoughts have helped so I thought I’d continue to do that again while creating a new image. This time I have my pear self looking a little distressed with my favorite coffee mug.

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The progress...

_{All my drawings are original sketches drawn digitally by me on the Procreate App using the iPad Pro with Apple Pencil.}

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I knew that I wanted to have my coffee mug as the center piece for this drawing.

Once I got the right shape down then I began to build my character around it. I’m still using the hair to form a pear silhouette.

Next I began the inking process.

I’m thankful for Inktober because I’ve definitely improved.

The finished inking.

Moving onto color.

Once I got the basic colors done for my pear character I though about what to do with the coffee mug.

I figured that I should commit to the idea of making it into my favorite mug so I pulled up an image for reference and began to freehand ‘paint’ it.

I called it done after coloring the background and adding a highlight to frame the image.

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Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed the drawing and I hope your New Year’s Eve was a much happier occasion than mine. 🦊