A couple things I would like to point out here.

Is your story fiction or non-fiction? Because you tagged it as both.

This reads more like an opening to a story, like there's something missing. You've introduced us to the characters, and then it's just.. over. There's no real plot, no "conflict", ... not much going on.

Many typos and grammar mistakes, but I can somewhat look past those.

And finally, I'd like to point out formatting. The slider that you made makes it unappealing to the eye and near impossible to read without a struggle.

Your descriptive skills are your strength, though, and I definitely enjoyed them.

as disgusting as an un-shaved mad man armpit

Imagined someone reeeeal sweaty there. :p

Thank you very much for your entry!