My story so far with a covert narcissist

Hi everyone.

It's not easy to talk about domestic narcissistic abuse, in fact it's hard for me to write about it, but it's even harder to live it.

I am beginning my journey to realizing my new reality. That may sound weird, but living in an abusive relationship changes your reality. This is very hard for me to write, or talk about, but hopefully therapeutic.

My story begins, when I was finally able to admit, that I am an abuse victim. You see, I'm a farm boy, a manly man, so to speak, and I'm not supposed to let myself be abused. At least that's what society has taught us, but abuse can and does happen to every demographic.

Turn back the clocks a few years and I find myself, a late 30's single man, descent job, homeowner. Not a rich man, but humbly content, although, lonely in a way.

I met my wife-to-be at a Christmas party, and, well, I was smitten. A gorgeous lady, and she was paying attention to me... To me... A prairie boy, with working hands and the fashion sense of Jethro Bodine.

Well, the story goes as expected. She meets my family, and fits right in, with no issues. My family is happy, because the "black sheep" finally is gonna settle down. We go see her home and it turns out her family is happy, cause there's finally a stable, decent man in her life. You see she had a Son 22 years ago, and has had a series of "bad relationships".

As we were dating, she's demanding and controlling, but, I'm told, that's how women are. RED FLAG. That's not how women are, that's how Narcissists are. But, even though, I feel bullied in our relationship, I go along with it, because after all, I'm nearly 40 years old, and will likely never find another woman who will love me, right. Well, as my story unfolds, I learn, she doesn't love me, I'm fact, doesn't love anyone, really, except herself. A narcissist is often referred to as a psychic vampire, they feed themselves from a supply of being in control, in power, and being superior to others. It's as if it is in their nature to simply cause pain to others. Covert narcissists will cause pain to others while living a public life that will paint a picture of "perfection".

I plan to make several posts regarding my narcissitic abuse syndrome, and general narcissist topics, in hopes I can maybe help someone who is living with what I am going through. And hopefully I can realize some healing and closure for myself. Because as of right now, I'm still figuring out, along with a professional psychologist, how to exit my toxic and dangerous situation, safely.

For this post though, I digress, back to the story.

The narcissistic abuse started right away, in our relationship, but it's only recently that I realized it for what it is. That's because my wife is what is called a "covert narcissist". I was quick to push aside the verbal and emotional abuse, maybe because, I actually had a "partner", I don't know, but for whatever reason, I hid it all. All of it, I buried deep inside. I put up with the name calling, the constant gaslighting, degrading and hurtful comments. I put up with it all, because I was supposed to. At least I thought I was supposed to.

It began with little things, of course, like, "correcting" (her word) my behaviors, like which side of the dual sink I would wash the dishes in, how I folded towels from the wash, I would fold them in half, then in half again, but the correct way was to fold them length wise first then fold again in half, the end result being exactly the same. How could I have been so dumb, right. It grew and grew, to the point where I wouldn't even do any of my woodworking hobby while she was around, because she would come out and "correct" how I was building something, when I would ask her how she would do it, she'd get mad at me and say "you know I don't know how to do that, why would you ask me that". that usually would end with her saying something mean and giving me the silent treatment for a while. You see a narcissist cannot deal with self realization that anyone else knows anything they don't know. Eventually I needed to give up all my hobbies, or at least do them in secret, because my only job is to provide for her, at all times. And expressing my feelings or opinions, well, that just can't happen, because no matter my opinion, it will be wrong.

It really digs at a person. Like being a prisoner in my own mind.

Fast forward a few years, to a few months ago. Me standing up for my basic human rights and principles, and trying to not spiral into depression, has resulted in a few huge reactionary blow-ups, then the silent treatment. For a while now, I have been trying to stand up for myself, with my narcissist, only recently realizing, that a covert narcissist needs constant feeding. Feeding through praise and worship, and now all her charity work makes sense, you see the charity work she does is with big fancy charities that hold galas and events, and she is often featured on the news and in front of a camera. And when that praise and limelight stuff isn't happening, the narcissist feeds from conflict, and beating down others, but generally one or a collection of a few targets. And they will always win a conflict, by hurting you, and be able to put themselves on a pedestal of self righteousness. The narcissist in my life, went from job to job, always having conflicts with other employees, because in her mind, they're all either jealous of her greatness, or they're racists, whenever there was any disagreement, even though she had just started a job, she would basically try put herself in charge, and that doesn't work well in most companies. For a while though, some of that kept me out of the crosshairs, but as always I eventually became the target again.

I have stopped trying to argue now. stopped even trying to stand up for myself, it feeds her narcissism and injures me, so I have finally learned to walk away, and I am figuring out an exit plan. I refuse to live in fear, and I refuse to let myself go down the depression road again. I know that I am a good person, and yes, we all can improve ourselves, but constant belittling and being told you aren't good enough, is abuse. period.

So I've been researching, and talking to counsellors, ministers, and the few friends I have I can count on, up to this point, and although, they're supportive, they can't understand how this person, who is so community involved, and works for 2 charities, can be an abuser. It's because they've never understood the covert narcissist. They've never lived it. There is a very limited support supply for me, because, as I'm learning, she has been talking in secret to my friends and family, spreading horrible lies about me so often that a lot of them are now believers and have distanced themselves from me. That's another way a narcissist gets their narcissistic supply. By isolating you and having people turn against you, that's another sick victory for them. There’s a term for that called triangulation, and a narcissist will will go to any lengths, tell any lie, and make up any story to isolate other people from each other. Again, I can't understand it, but I know it's one of the hardest things I have to deal with.

Gaslighting is a topic that can be an entire post as well, but I'll touch on it, because the covert narcissist is a master gaslighter. It is when you are led to disbelieve your own memories, your own knowledge, and it can actually make you question your own sanity. For me it was always small things, at first, we would have a discussion about something that needed to get done, and I would go ahead and do it. Only to be told later, that I obviously wasn't listening, because she didn't want it done. Little things like yardwork, to big things like renovations, all were times she was able to gaslight me. Looking back, I now see that she would plant little seeds of deceit to be used for future gaslighting, almost like planting a garden, for future narcissistic supply. Once I broke free of that, and she lost the ability to use that weapon against me, the abuse became more overt, because she still needed that feeding of narcissistic supply.

It's a hard thing to understand, and I'm guessing that most of us will never understand fully, the truth, that everything, and everyone, in a narcissists life is used to fill that supply. It boils down to the narcissist needs to be superior, they need to believe, that they are in fact, the greatest person in history. And they all do believe it, and they are not capable of accepting that anything could be their fault, or that they have any flaws. They are the true perfect example of a human being and everyone else is beneath them. That's why a narcissist can write people out of their lives so easily, and why they can lie, cheat, and steal in order to get what they want, and all they want is constant feelings of superiority and power. The narcissist isn't generally driven by love of money, although there are plenty of very wealthy people who are narcissists, it's about dominance. And if they can fill that need for control, dominance, and receive the praise they need in a homeless shelter, they'd be content, it's literally all they want/need.

My first step in healing, is right now, I'm writing down emotional things that I can't discuss with anyone, on recommendation from a psychologist, to try to get my feelings out, because for several years, my feelings have been suppressed. Part of this first step, is understanding, that I am responsible for my feelings, and not anyone else's. Not hers. I cannot change her, and she is incapable of empathy for or anyone else.

That's a hard pill to swallow, accepting that my spouse, whom I love, is incapable of loving me back. That all this time, all of the "affection" was basically acting, a show, all to "get something", for selfish gains. But, it's reality. I don't understand it, and likely, I never will.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story, it was hard to write.