[Original Novel] Ragnarok Conspiracy; Perseus-Pisces (Part Five Chapter One)steemCreated with Sketch.

in #mythpunk7 years ago (edited)

Perseus-Pisces

European Space Research & Technology Center, Randstad Conurbation, , September 17, 2047

"Sir what are you doing here? No, shit, what the hell?"

As the guard dropped down the 60 cm broad black M-brane fold entry sphere that Wietse had situated at the guard's feet, the black sphere flickered for a second. Long enough for a few drops of seawater to come splashing up. The research center was situated close to the shoreline and dropping people into the sea, sixty, seventy meters from the shore was a decent way to asure he could work without much interuptions. The PUPR agent gear that Wietse had just acquired hadn't come one hour too late. The grid was increasingly less stable and the adjustments needed to keep controll over the nodes just couldn't be kept up with using a mere console.

It still felt odd using the brain implant though. While Wietse knew he was in control, that the augmentation was now part of him, that the using the quantum trinities, the M-Brane grid was now like part of his own body, it still felt foreign. Wietse knew how this tech was used by PUPR agents in the war. PUPR agents, the cruelest and effective soldiers, spies and executioners this world had ever known. Something about the tech created a disconnect with their humanity but while Wietse feared for 'his' humanity using this tech, quite possibly, today this tech could be the only thing that could save humanity as a whole.

Once part of a proud European space agency, this ESA research institute today basically was an archive. A museum and library of old space tech.
As Wietse looked around for usable stuff, he noticed a small window and through the window saw the snow-covered dunes that he remembered from long ago. The Dutch dunes had been a big part of Wietse's childhood, of his life before ….. While the image brought back memories, it just didn't feel right. But what was it that was wrong here? Then it hit him, it never snowed in September, not here? The snow-covered dunes were a familiar sight, but it was an image that belonged to winter and early spring, not to the final days of summer! Could this be related?

Then Wietse noticed a glass cabinet in the middle of the room. A space suit, or rather a 'moon' suit. Wietse remembered his granddaughter. She was on the moon now. Reestablishing contact would have to wait until he figured out why things had gone so wrong during their last contact, figured out how he could prevent another m-fold accident like that, especially at this distance. The M-fold exit spheres were increasingly more difficult to control at larger distances, and the moon was at the very edge of what Wietse was able to control. Before Wietse could think it through, a black sphere formed at the bottom of the cabinet. The moon suit dropped through it and the sphere disappeared. The advantage of the brain augmentation was that it allowed for quick, natural, gut responses. Responses at speeds that would be impossible at full cognition. A drawback to this, however, was that with untrained reflexes, some responses could actually bypass conscious decisions. Wietse was startled by what he just did. He might just have put her in danger. But chances were she might have a good use for a moon suit where she was at.

He was looking for something else though. Something specific. A space telescope! If his intel was correct, ESTEC owned an old space telescope.
Then his eye caught a floor plan on a large, three meters wide, screen on the wall.

"Map, show me where I can find the biggest space telescope."

No response. Was this old tech? Wietse noticed an index next to the floor plan. As he quickly scanned the index, his eye spotted what he was searching for: Hubble Telescope D5. Wietse touched the word Telescope with his index finger. Nothing happened.

"Damn, not old tech: 'zero' tech."

The screen didn't even respond to his touch.

"Why in heaven's name? ..."
This didn't make sense and Wietse had no time for this. Who would create a non-interactive map for a bleeding museum? D5, Wietse remembered and looked back to the floor plan that was divided up into a grid. In cell D4 there was a large room with the inscription 'Hubble Zaal'. That had to be it. With quick strides, Wietse made his way to the room in question.

As Wietse opened the door, there was a huge telescope laying there. It was absolutely huge. Much larger than Wietse had anticipated. Twelve, thirteen meters long at least. Wietse moved over to the side marked as 'aperture door' on the narrower side of the telescope, then looked up at the ceiling of the room.

"Damn, the bastard is huge!"

Wietse took a power cell and a radio transmitter out of his backpack and started installing it where the fake replica solar panel was connected to the telescope.

"Sir! You are not allowed to touch the exhibits! Verdomme, shit ..."

Another guard dropped down an instant fold into the nearby sea with Wietse hardly having to give it more than a volatile thought.

The power was up now. Wietse took out his radio receiver and started scanning for the signal. Then he took a few quick steps back. A huge half sphere about seven meters in diameter filled half the room emerging the broader side of the telescope. Then the non-emerged part of the telescope started tilting up, picking up in speed.

"Shit, no, no, no!

The backside of the telescope hit the ceiling. Not really hard but not in a way that felt safe for the delicate alignments of the mirror system either. Then the tilted telescope disappeared into the sphere. The sphere shrank to a size of about seven centimeters and hovered in front of Wietse's receiver.

Wietse was nervous now. Until now 'his' grid had been under attack by someone, something controlling the foreign node. Until now Wietse's fight had been defensive only from his part. This time Wietse had sent something through to the other side to a remote node Wietse had traced to the first signs of an attack in Wietse's logs. He had to find out what was out there. He knew Intel was his number one asset. He also knew that lacking Intel, this first step at gathering it was the most dangerous step. Could they trace him? Could whatever he was fighting use the M-fold he just re-opened, against him? Wietse closed his eyes and allowed the data stream to flow to his mind through his new brain augmentation.

The images coming to him were beautiful. A red nebula of a beauty Wietse had never witnessed on the left side of his vision. As the image zoomed in deeper, Wietse saw multiple galaxies come into view. The coordinates were correct, Wietse knew what to look for and he was looking at the milky way and Andromeda systems there, dead center as he had calculated.

The small sphere flickered for a moment as Wietse gave the command for the telescope to make a slow turning manoeuvre. The telescope zoomed out and as the picture streaming into Wietse's mind changed, the white contours of a planet or moon. As the image became sharp, grey clouds against the backdrop of a frozen planet, a planet of ice and dark clouds became visible.

Then parts of the screen became blurry with the remaining parts showing a much faster movement than could be explained by the motion Wietse had set in motion. Wietse sent out a new command. What was happening? Whatever it was, not knowing struck Wietse with a deep fear. This couldn't spell anything good.

As the telescope started to focus, while the backdrop of the planet's surface blurred, the blurry parts of his feed started to reveal the contours of fingers. Three monstrous light grey colored fingers with pointy black nails covering the telescope.

"My God, the aperture is two meters across! "

Then the image jolted. A giant eye looked into the telescope, but the way it looked made Wietse feel as if it looked straight into his soul. The eye was almost all white but for a thin vertical slit of black, cold predatory piercing eyes. While Wietse, having had a glimpse of just fingers and eyes. could not make out what or who these eyes belonged to, he knew whoever these were, weren't poking at his grid out of scientific curiosity.
Wietse's worst fears had been confirmed, and worse.
At his feed went black, the small silvery sphere disappeared, but it hadn't been Wietse. 'They' had closed the far end from him. No, while he was hesitant to trust anyone, anyone but her, Wietse realized this threat was real and he couldn't fight this fight alone.


If you enjoyed reading this chapter, other chapters from Ragnarok Conspiracy I posted on steemit can be found through my monthly index.

Also, please consider competing in this month's monthly beta-reading lottery where you may win one of the multiple prices while helping me improve the quality of my work.



Cover art by Keith Draws

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Typos: (I've numbered paragraphs by line break. Some line breaks seem to be missing.)

paragraph 2: asure -> assure, controll -> control
paragraph 3: that the using -> that using
paragraph 4: You have a space and five periods here where I guess you want an ellipsis? (No space, four periods if it ends a sentence.)
paragraph 11: Don't follow a question mark with an ellipsis.
paragraph 17: half sphere -> half-sphere
paragraphs 19 and 22: You have "centimeters" (American spelling) and "manoeuvre" (British). This should be consistent - either "centimeters" and "maneuver" or "centimetres" and "manoeuvre."
paragraph 22: and as the picture -> "and the picture" or "and as it did the picture"
paragraph 24: light grey colored -> light-grey-colored
paragraph 26: At his feed -> As his feed

While Wietse knew he was in control, that the augmentation was now part of him, that the using the quantum trinities, the M-Brane grid was now like part of his own body, it still felt foreign.

I think - - - that by using - - - fits a little bit better.


D5, Wietse remembered and looked back to the floor plan that was divided up into a grid. In cell D4 there was a large room with the inscription 'Hubble Zaal'.

I think you should change D4 to D5 since you also said above that "Hubble Telescope D5"

2nd paragraph [It still felt odd using the brain implant though.] Compelling Sentence. Needs a comma before "though"

3rd paragraph [Then it hit him, it never snowed in September, not here?] Unsure why there's a question mark.

The first few paragraphs have a difficult flow. It took several re-reads to fully understand the descriptions of the space and the technical details of the tech you are describing. It feel contrived, like you are forcing a bunch of information into the first paragraph to set the scene. I would like to see you slow it down a bit, and add some dialogue. It will break up what I find to be a problematic flow. Grammatically it's fine. It's simply a matter of someone else's eyes smoothly scrolling the text.

I think you have an extremely sound universe and plot-line developing here. Your descriptions are quite strong, but again, sometimes require a second read because of how detailed they are. I recognize this problem, because I often run into it myself writing in the sci-fi genre--there's is just so much background description needed to set the scene sometimes. That's where great dialogue can accentuate the strong descriptive narration like yours.

I hope you find this criticism helpful and constructive. I have a great deal of writing experience, as well as professional critiquing, so hopefully this feels like fine grit sandpaper--the intention here is to help you polish your work, right?

The Line ["Shit, no, no, no!] needs a close "

Towards the end of the Chapter [Then parts of the screen became blurry with the remaining parts showing a much faster movement than could be explained by the motion Wietse had set in motion.] Redundancy of the words "parts" and "motion"

Overall, I enjoyed this very much. It's my preferred genre as both a reader and author. The imagination is awesome. You have some very strong content here, but I think it would benefit enormously from scrutinizing each word. Hemmingway obsessed for days over each word. I wouldn't recommend that, but the economy and flow of words is what I see as this chapter's greatest obstacle.

I look forward to reading more when time permits. Also, I welcome any criticisms you have of my work if you feel like checking out my page. Very new here, but content is coming. Good luck with your revisions and publication.

"As the guard dropped down the 60 cm broad black M-brane fold entry sphere that Wietse had situated at the guard's feet, the black sphere flickered for a second."

Do not abbreviate centimeter in writing you should generally use the spoken word.

Replace situated with planted, since you already use situated a bit later.

"The research center was situated close to the shoreline and dropping people into the sea, sixty, seventy meters from the shore was a decent way to asure he could work without much interuptions."

I'd change this and avoid unnecessary comma's and extra's:

over 60 meters from shore

Much interuptions, would be many interruptions. But I'd change it to:

without being interrupted

"The PUPR agent gear that Wietse had just acquired hadn't come one hour too late. The grid was increasingly less stable and the adjustments needed to keep controll over the nodes just couldn't be kept up with using a mere console."

The PUPR agent gear that Wietse had just acquired hadn't come -(change) an- hour too late. The grid was -(add) becoming- increasingly less stable and the adjustments needed to keep -(change) control- over the nodes just couldn't be kept up -(change) by- using a mere console."

PUPR agents, the cruelest and effective soldiers, spies and executioners this world had ever known.

and effective -> and most effective

From paragraph 4:

Once part of a proud European space agency, this ESA research institute today basically was an archive.

If you are referring to the organization that is currently known as the European Space Agency, then you need to capitalize accordingly when spelling out the full name.

But what was it that was wrong here? Then it hit him, it never snowed in September, not here?

I'm going to suggest that the text be rewritten like this:

But what was it that was wrong here? Then it hit him: it never snowed here in September, did it?

While Wietse, having had a glimpse of just fingers and eyes. could not make out what or who these eyes belonged to, he knew whoever these were, weren't poking at his grid out of scientific curiosity.

eyes. could -> eyes, could

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