MY NICHE: REGRET: Through These Eyes

Feelings changing
Nothing stays the same
I can't help thinking
I'm the one to blame
Countless secrets
We're trapped in our own lies
Your heart would shatter
if you looked through these eyes
.
Big surprise,
I don't know what to do
I've been thinking 'bout it all day long
and still don't have a clue
.
Sometimes these things seem so much bigger than they are
but so far it seems like all you do is keep playing that card
you're lying to my face,
manipulating,
This was nothing but a big mistake
.
Every thing we had,
Every thing we were
That's past tense,
That flame was never meant to burn
.
I wish that I could go back
I wish that I could fix this
I wish that everything we did
would have no consequences
.
But wishing's never done a thing,
why do I even bother?
No matter what I say or do
it's never getting better
.
Feelings changing
Nothing stays the same
I can't help thinking
I'm the one to blame
Countless secrets,
We're trapped in our own lies
Your heart would shatter
if you looked through these eyes

---

I wrote this about an ex, we'll call him Bob, who was upset at me for entering a relationship with someone shortly after telling him I wasn't looking for a relationship (with him). He was a jerk. He only wanted what every guy wants and I wasn't interested.

I had been spending all of my time with a guy I was completely in love with, we'll call him Johnny. He never showed me that he cared for me in that way and his motives seemed similar to my ex's, so I moved on.

The day I started officially dating Jamie, both Bob and Johnny were completely blindsided. My actions totally contradicted my words and they were so upset. I was getting paragraphs on paragraphs from BOTH of them pouring their hearts out in a way I didn't think they were even capable of.

The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt anybody, but they hurt me first and I deemed them unworthy before giving them the chance to prove it to me... well, Bob had his chance, he failed miserably.

Anyways, the pain I had caused them completely ate at me. Johnny was my best friend and suddenly he wouldn't even talk to me. Bob would pop up at my window at night and beg me to spend time with him... the entire situation was really sad because I could see the sorrow in their eyes every time I passed them in the hallway or ran into them through mutual friends.

I broke their hearts and all I wanted to do was make it better but I had already fallen for someone new, someone who voiced his love for me openly. No matter which route I took, someone would be hurt.

Then I realized, Bob and Johnny both broke my heart first. They spent months making me feel guilty when they were the ones who screwed up in the first place. Maybe Johnny didn't get a proper chance due to my previous experience with Bob.

I lost my best friend, all because I didn't have the courage to ask him what he wanted. I never asked him how he felt, how could I be mad at him for not laying his cards out on the table if I never laid mine out either?

Jamie turned out to have the same intentions I suspected them of having anyway. I suppose it's like, what else can you expect from a high school boy?

Johnny and I spoke on and off, always very short conversations, but he was always there when I needed him most. After Jamie and I broke up I started doing drugs; I became a complete mess. Johnny stayed with me and let me cry all day while he fed me PB&J's. He moved out of state a year later. He even gave me the opportunity to ask him to stay, but I told him to go because I didn't want him to sacrifice his future for a future with me that most likely wouldn't last. After a while we stopped talking completely...

but I think about him often;

And sometimes I wish I had asked him to stay.

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