Have you ever been listening to the radio and thought, “What the fuck did I just listen to?” I’m not talking about “Bodak Yellow” by Cardi B, which is objectively the worst “song” ever written for now and all the rest of human existence, and every song by Fergie except “Big Girls Don’t Cry.” I’m talking about good artists doing mostly good things that had you thinking, “Was them niggas on drugs?”

I was told by a teenager that it is acceptable to say niggas now as long as you are hip and don’t use a hard “r” at the end. I think he might have been lying to me but I did purchase a bootleg copy of “The Black Panther” from the Arab gas station down the street yesterday so that should confirm my blackness.

Safety Dance

Men Without Hats was a Canadian new wave band in the early 80’s. New wave started out as punk rock but then split into its own genre, distinguishable from 80’s punk by the fact that the artists could sing and play instruments. In 1983 Disco was dying out and the club scene was changing. Bouncers had a pretty easy job with the disco crowd. Aside from the occasional person getting poked in the eye by an overly enthousiastic John Travolta wannabe, disco was lame and so were the clubs. Then people started pogoing, which was an early form of moshing where a person jumps up and down while wildly gesticulating. This became popular, as it could be done with no skill, practice, or any level of sobriety. Bouncers hated it because dancers started knocking shit over and they had to do their jobs. Men Without Hats frontman Ivan Doroschuk wrote “Safety Dance” as the ultimate passive aggressive attack against a bouncer who kicked him out of a bar for pogoing. My grandmother always said, “Boy don’t you ever fuck with a Canadian or he might pull out his synthesizer and write a top 20 hit.”

Pinball Wizard

Anyone who ever heard Pinball Wizard by Elton John and The Who probably thought to themselves, “Why does this exist?” You have to see it in the context of Pete Townshend’s classic Rock opera “Tommy” and then you’ll be like, “Ah, I see. Actually I don’t. This song seems shoehorned in here and serves no purpose, and that’s saying a lot because this movie is awful. Really, why does this exist?” The answer is; it shouldn’t. Pete Townshend showed a rough cut of Tommy to music critic Nik Cohn, who declared it to be a piece of shit. Fearing bad reviews Townshend used his intimate knowledge of Cohn’s love for pinball and added Pinball Wizard. Townshend got the good review he wanted and the rest is rock and roll history. Later, Pete had this to say about the song, “This is awful, the most clumsy piece of writing I’ve ever done.” Pete offered the song to Rod Stewart, who asked his friend Elton John if he should do it. Elton John said, “Don't touch it with a barge pole” Then Townshend offered it to Elton John who accepted.

Possession

Sarah McLachlan’s story is an interesting one. She took singing lessons in high school and had a band. After playing one show, Mark Jowett of indie record label “Nettwerk” offered her a contract. She was like, “Uh, I don’t actually know how to write songs and I’m in high school.” He was like, “Who gives a shit? You got the voice of an angle and the ass of a twelve year old boy. Just come live at the studio until we can figure out what to do with you.” So she did. She quickly racked up some fucked up stalkers who sent her a fuck ton of creepy fan letters. She used these letters as the basis for her smash hit “Possession.”

Crazy ass stalker Uwe Vandrei sued her, claiming he should have writing credits for the song, but mostly because sitting across from her in a courtroom was the only way he could think to get close to her; instead of, you know, literally anything else in the world than that. Everything worked out in the end though. Uwe Vandrei killed himself before the trial ever started. Then Sarah started the Lilith Fair and validated an entire generation of bad lesbian haircuts.

Chris Gaines

In 1999 Garth Brooks was shitting money. That isn’t even a metaphor. He would take a shit and his toilet would be all clogged up with hundred dollar bills because he had so many of them that he just shoved them up his ass. I remember when he came to San Antonio. Garth Brooks had such a big problem with scalpers buying all his concert tickets and selling them for a mint that he had to instigate a lottery system where you put your name on a list and hoped it got drawn for the chance of buying two tickets.

Since he’d already conquered the country music industry Brooks decided to double down and conquer movies and rock and roll at the same time. He came up with an idea for a flick called “The Lamb” about a rock star named Chris Gaines. In a catastrophically bad move, Brooks recorded an album as Gaines to drum up support for the movie instead of just doing the damn movie and releasing the album as the soundtrack. No one got it. Rock fans didn’t care and Country fans shunned him like the Dixie Chicks in 2003. Also, the movie never even got started on production. Brooks was like, “Fuck it. I’m gonna go spend time with my family and count my money. Peace out bitches!”

Uncle Fucker

Trey Parker and Matt Stone knew they faced an uphill battle against censorship when they wrote "Southpark, Bigger, Longer, Uncut." So here's how movie ratings work: People submit a movie to the Motion Picture Association of America. The MPAA sends a copy to a bunch of random ass volunteers, who watch the movie and write down what they think the movie should be rated. The MPAA counts the votes and gives the movie a G, PG, PG-13, R, NC-17, X, XX, or XXX rating based on the average vote. If you make movies you spend a lot of effort shooting for that PG-13 rating because they make the most money. R is ok if it is violent but anything past an R is going to lose money. When the Southpark movie was submitted, it was given a swift X rating due to graphic content. The film was sent back with the suggestion that it be toned down to garner an R rating.

Trey Parker and Matt Stone said, "Ok." The only thing they changed about the movie was adding the gratuitous Terrence and Phillips song, "Shut your fucking face uncle fucker." The MPAA thanked them for their compliance and awarded them the R rating they wanted. The movie won an Academy Award for best song in a motion picture for "Blame Canada" and grossed over 50 million dollars.

Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6