How to Review Movies Like a Pro
Everyone loves movies but apart from the prosaic thumbs up or thumbs down, the general populace often has trouble formulating an intelligent opinion after a viewing, then communicating that to others. Before you open your mouth and say something embarrassing like, “I cried when Aunt Edna’s dog Dinky died”, these key tips can not only help you to relay the key points of a movie in a professional way, but also let your audience know that you are a lot smarter than them.
Refer to movies as “film”. It doesn’t matter if it’s directed by Kurosawa, Scorcese or Michael Bay. Uncle Bob watches movies. You watch “films”.
Refer to the parts of the film as “acts”. It further establishes that your criticisms come from an immense literary depth. There’s no better way to say, I read Shakespeare than to throw out comments like, “the 3rd act disappoints in achieving an effective catharsis by the protagonist”.
Ridicule accents. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know that Scotland and Ireland are different countries. Throw out statements like, “It was unbearable listening to Scarlett using a Lincolnshire accent when she’s supposed to be from South Yorkshire”.
Throw out references to Citizen Kane, Nosferatu, or Buster Keaton movies. Even better, accuse the reviewed movie of stealing plot segments from them. It’s okay, no one reading your review has ever watched these b&w movies of yesteryear but you’ll score some major egghead points.
Criticize the cgi. Point out how the inconsistent lighting effects and dropped shadows kept you from achieving full immersion. It doesn’t matter if there’s wasn’t any cgi. Your audience will assume there was some but they were too dimwitted to notice.
Drop names of protagonists from literature or Greek mythology. Hester Prynne, Mustapha Mond, Rodion Raskolnikov, Hephaestus, Artemis are all good starting points. Example: “Like Dostoevsky’s Rodion, Robert Pattinson represents the extraordinary man not bound by ordinary morality”.
Whether you’re sharing your film reviews on your private blog, imdb, or just amongst your friends, these Pro tips should get you started in the right direction. Cheers, and have fun!
How I review movies: "naa", "meh" and "it's OK".
So, now I am ready for my new career as a movie critic!
Good and educative post @justinlaak, thanks for sharing. Although, whether it is called movies or films, more than 90% of those who watch don't want to know the difference and just want to enjoy the experience. And evoke whatever emotion comes natural to them.
I found your prosaic use of prose you so clearly stole from the great film critic; Morse, who in turn of course, stole it from Plato, quite shocking!
:-D
Lolz
Cg
"Uncle Bob watches movies. You watch “films”... Yes, that is very important. Being an English teacher, I have noticed that my students don't see the difference. Good tips, thank you.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts @justinlaak. As a serious steemit movie reviewer myself - i am off course very interested in hearing opinions about reviewing in general.
Movies vs film(s): I have been struggling a bit with this one myself. Movies refers to the cinematic or theatrical presentation, the "moving pictures", while literally taken "film" refers to the physicality of the celluloid strip. A "film" is something thin and probably transparent. Now "movies" has an air of popcorn and cola about it, while "films" have a more Café Latte attitude i would say. So with myself being attracted more to the latter segment, i suppose i should call it "film(s)" consequently from now on :-)
I agree with the division into acts and it is a good standard way of dividing a film roughly. But not all are fit for it to well, and some are just too weird to fit at all. There is usually a start, setting up who, when, where and then a middle part that develops the plot and story, followed by an "ending" that rounds it off. Personally i think that the "second act" is usually the biggest part and what happens in the first and third usually are not that important or interesting. The best movies are those with a great big middle :-)
References to accents, famous actors, directors, philosophers and so on, can be of use, but should not be over done, as it makes you look pretentious, unless it is an essential part of the movie and would seem weird to omit.
Thats my 2 steem-cents :-)
Thanks for your comments @mandibil! I might not have laid it on thick enough but the article was written tongue in cheek. Perhaps I should have entitled it "How to Be a Pretentious Movie Critic"!
I know it was sloghtly sarcastic, but i took the liberty of responding to it :-)
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All that money for telling people how they should view a film,
I swear this site is fixed.
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