Bloodsport (1988)

I dedicate this post to my Shidoshi.

Dux! Dux my man! Blood Sport is a true classic in every sense of the word. It stars the legendary actor Frank Dux and is based upon the real life events of Jean-Claude Van Damme. Jean-Claude Van Damme was the first American to ever win the Kumite. The Kumite is an underground martial-arts tournament featuring the crème de la crème of martial-artists. It is where the worlds best meet to test their metal and fight for the honor of being named, "Champion". Jean-Claude was the best of these assholes. His business was ass kicking, and business was good.

Jean-Claude started training Ninjitsu at a young age under the tutelage of Master Tanaka. It is here that he learned the principles of honor, respect, and if someone gives you shit, you kick it down their throat. Frank Dux does an amazing job of portraying this aspect of Jean-Claude in the early scenes of Bloodsport. It is a privilege to see Frank Dux on screen portrayal of Van Damme's childhood, training, and to see him grow from a young punk into the superstar he is today. Without Master Tanaka, you wouldn't have such blockbusters as Desert Heat, Legionnaire, Wake of Death, and Derailed. For, it was Master Tanaka that taught him the art of acting. And holy shit did he ever teach him well.

Something that you may find surprising about Van Damme is that, unlike most fighters, he is not the meat-head you would expect. He is responsible for some of the greatest inventions of the 20th century. For one: Jean-Claude was the inventor of the pleated pant.

His sense of style is truly shocking. It is completely unfair to woman everywhere. If by some miracle Van Damme's pants didn't put the ladies on their backs, then arguably his most important contribution to society definitely will, Dancejitsu!

The man has no bones! How else could he move like that?

After Frank Dux completes his training with Tanaka, he is awarded a ticket to the Kumite. He vows to win the tournament in honor of his Shidoshi. There is only one problem. It seems that Dux's army superiors won't let him fight in the Kumite, so he goes AWOL and heads to Hong Kong anyways. It is here that he meets his future best friend, Jackson. Jackson is accepting challenges at arcade Kung Fu in some shitty hotel where the rooms are cheap and the pussy cheaper. Dux accepts and stuns Jackson with his video game skills. It was love at first sight. It is also here where he meets some of his competition. Some dip-shit reporter gets herself into hot water when she tries to question one of the fighters that ends up being a hardcore rapist. When he tries to get into her tickle-trunk, Dux saves the day by putting foot to face. This obviously impresses her and Dux eventually bangs her.

When Dux shows up to the Kumite, the people in charge are not impressed with his skin colour (white). They think he is some pussy undeserving of the right to fight in such an event. Now he must prove himself worthy. They set up some bricks for Dux to break and Dux tells them to pick one. Jackson picks the top brick, but no one listens to him because he is a fucking idiot. Dux must break the bottom brick. After some breathing exercise shit, Dux gets shit done and impresses the shitheads running the Kumite. Jackson breaks a brick on his ape skull and is also entered. The fights are awesome. Dux and Jackson plow through their competition, until Jackson has to go against Chong-Li. Jackson nails him with a Kirk-esque two handed hammer and puts him down. While "yeah"ing like a fucking moron, instead of stomping Chong-Li's face into mud, Chong-Li gets up and beats the living shit out of Jackson. He is offended by Jackson's jogging pants and rightly so. He stomps his head and puts him in the hospital. Dux is really fucking pissed now.

On the way home, Dux eats some mushrooms and starts seeing Chong-Li in the window of the bus. He is really hurt'n' so the reporter fucks him better. When Dux wakes and heads to the Kumite, two yahoos from the army try to stop him. He distracts them with wicked 80's music and leads them in a chase across Hong Kong. They end up falling in the water and looking like complete assholes when it is all said and done. Dux runs into more trouble when he gets to the Kumite. The local police are also after him. Dux gets one hell of a warm-up by beating the shit out of the entire Hong Kong police force. Their martial-arts skills are no match for Dux.

Dux makes it to the finals against Chong-Li where he displays his devastating triple-kick.

He beats the piss out of him, but Chong-Li throws baking soda in his eyes. Now Dux can't see and Chong-Li fucks his shit up. After some futile arm waving and screaming, Dux gets his shit together. He meditates in the ring while Chong-Li sits back and plays with himself. When Chong-Li eventually comes after him, Dux uses his superior mental skills and counters his every move, until he makes him say, "Matte". This of course means, "I give up". I matte writing any more of this review.