Flash Back Reviews: Battle for Endor... Star Wars Movie or Bad Disney Princess Movie?
The title of this movie is very misleading. It's not really a Star Wars movie and no-one is battling for Endor.
An old dude with a white beard and a staff, a witch with a magic ring,
a creepy goblin looking guy, a short person with curly hair, a talking bear,
and a castle... This isn't Star Wars. It's Teddy Ruxpin reads Lord of the Rings!
Earlier today, as I sat down to write this post, I realized that I hadn't seen this movie in at least 25 years. I thought I had watched it with my son, but after writing my previous post, I realized that he was so devastated at the loss of his favorite Ewok in the first one... that we never watched this sequel.
So tonight I asked my son to join me. I actually told him I'd most likely fast forward through some parts. He vehemently opposed this idea. "Let's watch the whole thing Dad", he urged. Being the sucker that I am, I agreed. Thirty minutes later he said, "I can't do this." Then he ran out of the room to play with his Lego. Wise choice.
Screw you guys. I'm going... to play with lego.
So if the movie isn't a Star Wars movie or a Battle for Endor, what is it?
I had an epiphany half way through the movie (shortly after my son bailed on it). This movie is not a Star Wars movie at all. Perhaps the movie is what convinced Disney to buy the franchise... it was either this movie or the prospect of making $1 billion every year for all of eternity. But it was probably Battle for Endor that pushed it over the top.
This movie is really a Disney Princess movie. A bad Disney Princess movie, but a princess movie nonetheless.
The previous movie left off with two children reuniting with their parents. It was so happy (unless you are my son and you couldn't get over the loss of one Ewok). This one starts equally happy. The father has finally repaired their ship so they can go home. Hurray!
Not so fast. Just as he is putting the finishing touches on the ship, some alien marauders attack. After a pretty cheesy battle scene involving aliens with blasters and swords as well as some horrible stop motion giant lizard things, the marauders destroy the Ewok camp where the family was staying. They kill the girl's mother and brother. The girl finds her father. They have a touching moment before he too is killed. By the 9 minute and 50 second mark, Cindel (who appears to be around 8 years old) becomes an orphan. See... I told you it was just like an old Disney movie.
Being a Disney princess sucks!
Cindel and her best friend, Wicket the Ewok, are captured by the marauders. Luckily Wicket has learned to speak perfect English... sometimes. Other times he sounds like a cliche version of any Indigenous American in an old cowboy movie. The two friends escape from a prison wagon. Then they run away. This is the last action scene for at least the next 45 minutes.
So how do they kill 45 minutes? First it turns into the Goldilocks story... except this time, Goldilocks has a bear for a sidekick. They stumble onto a home, enter it without an invitation, and make themselves comfortable. At some point, they meet some kind of super fast gray rat/bear/leprechaun creature. I honestly can't even remember when they found him (and I just watched it). For some reason he is in the house with them.
Obviously, the owner of the house returns. Of course he's super old and grumpy. Just as predictable, he's played by Wilford Brimley. What? How did he get in here? Just one year after this, he was starring in Cocoon.
My agent is going to see the business end of this staff!
At first Brimley's character, Noa, is ridiculously grumpy and mean. He kicks the orphaned little girl and her teddy bear out of his home. When he does let them back in, he makes them sleep on a bare floor. This all suddenly changes when Cindel has a nightmare. Then they all become best friends.
They play house for a while until a witch, disguised as a bird, discovered where they are hidden. The witch turns herself into a beautiful woman and lures Cindel to her by singing the song the little girl's mother used to sing to here. It's a freaking Disney princess movie!!!!
The witch captures Cindel and brings her back to the marauder leader's castle. Yes. There is a freaking castle on Endor... and it has a moat. Half of the marauders have swords instead of blasters. It simply makes no sense.
Since we aren't making sense, might as well throw in a picture of
Teek the super fast gray rat/bear/leprechaun creature.
Cinder is thrown in the dungeon... of course. There she waits with other previously captured Ewoks for the inevitable rescue attempt. While she is there, the leader of the marauders actually calls her "little princess". Were they fishing for Disney to buy the franchise 30 years ago?
Noa, Wicket and the fast rat/bear/leprechaun creature approach the heavily guarded castle all by themselves. They scale the wall and initiate a successful escape of Cindel and the other Ewoks. There is actually a battle sequence during the escape. Ewoks show what natural marksmen they are with blasters they have never even seen before. Then we get to see half a dozen Ewoks slide down a zipline to safety. It was ludicrous.
There is actually a twenty minute long Ewok vs marauder battle at the end. Imagine the Ewoks attacking the Stormtroopers in Return of the Jedi. Now imagine it's really boring. There it's almost like you were in the room with me.
But wait... there's more. You don't want to waste someone of Wilford Brimley's martial arts prowess do you? Of course not! That is why a one on one battle between a staff wielding Wilford Brimley and a dude in a rubber alien costume is essential. I don't want to spoil anything, but with the aid of Cindel and Wicket... Wilford wins!!!!!
Eat your heart out Jackie Chan! We've got Wilford Brimley?
So I guess it's a Disney princess movie with a battle sequence at the end.
Back to the name.
At no point does anyone Battle for Endor. Every single character, (except for the Ewoks) are trying to find a power source so they can leave Endor. Although it would have been a stretch, I would understand if it had been called Battle on Endor. Personally I would have gone with Little Orphan Cindel.
Come on Sandy. Let's go find Daddy Warbucks!
This movie is not for everyone. But after a conversation earlier today, I can no longer say the movie is not for anyone.
Battle for Endor may be someone's guilty pleasure. If you watch the movie for the first time today, I can't see any possible way that you would enjoy it. However, if you first saw it when you were nines years old, I can understand the nostalgic feelings you have for it. Heck I could sit down and watch Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park right now and I'd love it! So if this movie was one of your fond childhood memories, I'm really sorry for trashing it.... but it's just so bad.
As I stated in the first installment of Flash Back Reviews, I am not going to get into the minutia of whether or not these movies are officially "canon". Instead I will simply say whether or not anything from the movies will help you to enjoy the main movies more.
This movie will not enhance your enjoyment of anything good in the Star Wars Universe. (Unless it is a guilty pleasure from your childhood)
Should you see it? Only if you already love it from when you were a kid. (Or you like to laugh at bad movies or want to hear an Ewok speak English.)
This is great, now I know where Ewoks REALLY Came from. :)
~ @Timbo
From the crazy mind of George lucas...
Tis a crazy mind indeed.
I have never seen that movie, and honestly, after reading your review, I won't, even with my son... except if he asks for it of course, but let's me hope he won't :D
If you don't tell him it exists... there is no reason for him to ever find out.
Exactly ^^
I never saw this one either. And I have been subjected to some terrible movies on VHS.
Another VHS man! I still remember Beta as well.
I'm fairly sure the first movie I watched in someone's home was Disney's Dumbo on Beta.
Ok, this is the one I remember seeing. And it's definitely not a guilty pleasure though I might watch it one more time one day for nostalgia's sake...
It was amusing for a while.
Damn you right it has been like 25 years since I saw that movie as well. Don't remember much of it either.
Hopefully I gave a good enough summary that you don't have to watch it again. LOL
I think you did sum it up fairly well the little I remember if it now. The Lego idea was much better use of time I think.
I should have joined him! I could have written about lego then.
That would have been a cool review on Lego building.
For sure. My kid does some cool stuff... actually I think any kid with lego does cool stuff.
One of those Ewok spin-offs (or part of one) was enough for me. Ewoks are awesome, though. Right up there with princesses.
I still don't think my wife understands why the heck I was watching this even after my kids left the room. If I had any cool points left, I lost them. But I really had fun writing this. Wilford Brimley fight sequence...
I don't remember if I saw it. I probably did. Yet the fact I can't remember it likely says all.
EDIT: I am one of those that wishes they'd stuck with the original premise and used Wookies instead of Ewoks.
Yes! That would have been awesome. But you can see with this nonsense exactly where Lucas lost his mind. He helped write this after watching freaking Heidi! This was Heidi in Star Wars. He lost it. But Wookiee va storm troopers would have been awesome!
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