[MINDSET] Sticks and Stones Have Their Place
While bullying is a terrible thing, I survived the ass-end of it and came out stronger. Here's my story and why I think sticks and stones have their place in the world.
Deep in thought
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.
Well I call bullshit on that one. Indeed, sticks and stones may break one's bones - but they also build strong houses. As for names... They hurt. They hurt a lot sometimes.
All through elementary through junior school and into tenth grade, I was teased, bullied, and berated. I was often made to feel insignificant by people who were supposed to be my peers.
You see, I was assessed with Asperger's as an adult so I didn't have the benefit of an advocate or aide. I survived but I was terribly shy and awkward; no sport-ability, no coordination. I had a slight stutter (I still do). I wore glasses so being called "four-eyes" was commonplace. I was short and square, not tall and thin like the pretty girls. Being half-Korean, I was also called chink, gook and slanty eyes. Yeah, the kids were mean. But I had one thing I could count on: my friends...even though I could only count them on one hand. To this day I have a very short list of best friends.
To be as objective as possible though, in hindsight I was also pretty rigid and stubbornly opposed to being like "the popular" kids. Perhaps I created the persona that I preferred being unpopular - even as my goal simply was to be invisible.
Moving and a fresh start
In the middle of 10th grade my parents decided to move to a bigger house, closer to the train station so my father could commute easily.
I had a fit! (Cue in autism tantrum)
Well, as much as I hated school and most of the kids, I was in familiar territory. I had learned how to deal with it and survive. If we moved, I wouldn't have my friends or my place of solace. For a moment I felt like it was the end of the world because I knew moving meant starting over with new assholes to deal with.
I accept my part in not making friends easily. Most of the time I felt like I was too busy protecting myself, and frankly, harvesting best friends is a lot of work.
But starting over in a new school meant I had to search for a new "safe place".
I admit I was frightened by the prospect of moving, but another part of me was excited about a new opportunity. Hey, I survived the bullying and teasing - and I didn't die.
The light-bulb moment
About 2 weeks before the move, I remember walking through the hallways of school and it dawned on me: *Friend or foe, these people, right here and now, are only temporary."
Sticks and stones may break my bones but names can never hurt me.
I suddenly knew that broken bones can heal - and names only hurt if you let them.
I was finally free. In that moment I realized I had given these people the power and permission to hurt me because I allowed their words to eat at my self-confidence.
But no more.
They could throw insults and do their best to degrade me but they were the ugly ones. I would not stoop to their level. I was better than them. Then I embraced another fact: These people were only temporary. Sure, in high school you feel like it's your entire world, but in truth, it's only a small nugget in your life. I stopped allowing the negative opinions of others to phase me because in the long game of my life, they didn't matter.
The poem: Reason, Season or Lifetime was life-changing for me.
Final thoughts
I was bullied. There were times when I wanted to end my life or kill everybody. It's really the reason why I write because I allow the bloodletting run wild and free in my head - and how I've managed to stay sane (I think).
Had I not been bullied and teased, would I be the person I am today? Would I have grown thicker skin if I was popular in my youth? Would I have been able to handle the many rejections and life-altering moments as well without that kind of soul training?
Too many kids are committing suicide because they don't know how to deal with problems that feel so big. In my honest opinion, it's because some assholes thought it was wise to make sure "every kid wins" or "ever kid gets to play".
Guess what? Life doesn't work that way. There are winners and losers. There will always be one kid that gets picked last. There are people who don't have the skill to participate without being awkward. Can we stop sugar-coating our kids and telling them they're perfect? They're not.
I raised three boys and my running line has always been, "If they can't survive me, they're not going to survive in this world." I wanted to give them half a chance to be well-rounded and realistic. Kids are assholes and they're going to gloat if they're better than you at something. It's human nature.
So how about letting our children figure out their reason, season and lifetime as we keep vigil and make sure no one dies because they weren't allowed to have the tools to cope with disappointment and conflict?
picture attribute: pixabay (creative commons)
Imagine the people in your life as grains of salt.
It can flavor your world or ruin the dish.
Sprinkle wisely.
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Meredith Loughran blogs at ScribblingBandits.com | Follow her on Twitter & SnapChat or LinkedIn
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I agree that names can hurt. I also agree that to a certain extent, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I ache for the kids who commit suicide over teasing, but most of them are getting far more painful bullying than we ever did. And I think the major difference is that it is in front of the whole world rather than in a limited location such as a school.
Internet bullying won't "pass" because it will follow them around forever. (Or as long as the Internet itself lasts.) And messages that say "Why don't you drop dead?" or "You're so ugly you should kill yourself." must hurt very badly indeed.
I'm not saying you're completely wrong, just that there are other things worth considering. You know I love your writing, but I couldn't resist stirring up the pot a bit. :)