Ya Gotta Walk and Don't Look Back: Feeling My Joy Again At Last

'You're so productive, aren't you, lately?' the man says, throwing his arms around me.

'Get off,' I laugh. 'I'm doing stuff'. And I realise I am doing things, and that the reason he said that is because I've been struggling to do stuff for a while. I planted trees (there's a belief in the future right there), cleaned out my cupboards, made toothpaste and a face mask, screwed makeshift wire latches on the gates in the vegie garden, walked 'round the block and collected plantain, put plantain in vodka for a tincture, tidied the house, and hey, I even collected some flowers for a vase in the house. Go me.

Today was thus a really *good* day - a damn satisfying day. The sun was shining, and I was preoccupied with lots of fun stuff to do - that I wanted to do, not 'had' to do. The last week has seen me float out of a rough few months. Despite all the things I know about mental health and a mindful life, I was struggling in my head and heart. It's only when you come out of that stuff and start living again that you realise that things haven't been what they *could* be. I couldn't be *bothered* doing stuff. I couldn't see the point, or I was too exhausted from all that stuff going on in my head that I couldn't really focus on what I was doing. I also couldn't think very well, and if you're going to be creative, or start a project, or go at life with gusto you need to be able to think clearly.

@tryskele, in her #mindfulmonday post this week wrote about how cooking keeps her in the moment, and wondered what others did to keep them in the beautiful moment where the past nor the future existed. When we're going through rough times, sometimes those things we love to do keep us grounded. It's moving meditation. My husband does it with putting his landrover together in the shed. 'I don't need meditation, baby', he says, 'I'm doing zen and the art of Series 3 Landrover Maintenance'. Or reconstruction, as it is.

This was my weekend ear worm, which reminded me about not looking back, nor into the future either. That shit does you no good at all. You gotta walk and don't look back. Or cook, and don't look back. Or garden, and don't look back. Or surf, and don't look back. Or make toothpaste and don't look back.

So if you just put your hand in mine,
We're gonna leave all our troubles behind.
Keep on pushing and don't look back.
Now, till I say, we won't look back, girl.
Keep on walking and won't look back.
Forget about the past now, baby.
And don't look back.
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, don't look back.

Damn it's nice to be walking in the moment again without the sheer effort it takes to get dressed, go to work, make dinner, and pretend things are okay. It's nice to do stuff and feel joy again, living truly in the moment, and having fun with it in a way I haven't for so long.

The only reason to look back now is to smirk at my anxious and sad self and say: 'Told ya girl, it would pass. Told ya it would get better!'.

And it did.

Thanks for that great advice, me.