Hope Is for the Hopelessly Helpless
I've been recognizing the extent to which my internal reality is like this grandiose casino system of sorts. It's got all the games and attractions of all scales and magnitudes. The Basic Structure here is actually quite incredible.
It's something I've been caught up with in one way or another. The games of the casino. The energies of my internal reality. The thoughts of my thinking....the Thinking composing the very ink to set the stain...place my mark....make my bet...take and hold a position. The casino of self is extensive. It's a Casino because the internal as defined in structure through mind is our own class system.
It's a class system of sorts for me create our own individualized classifications of everything. How we judge and perceive the "odds" to be. So there's always kind of a shopping going on as a form of profiling the odds at play here. In any moment there's that opportunity to make a play...place a bet....make a move. The starting point assesment being often on the return - In Hope that things will work out.
Now I'm not saying that you should go off the rocker anytime you hear the word hope and just think about how "hope" is part of the dichotomy of "hopelessness" and "helplessness".
What I am saying is that for myself - it's been easier to put a pretty gloss over the darker puts of myself and kind of cover up these deeper states because the roots are more so in a negative state of mind. The "gloss" is the cover-up compensation as like the flip side to the negative state with the positive affrimation and outlook. The "Hope".
The point of "Abracadabra" for me in and as my word and world recognition was the fact that i never considered that "Me" actually was holding onto fragments of Hopelessness and Helplessness deep down within myself. I was oblivious to the underlying currents created in my character. I had basically become so conditioned to just accepting this form of "self-inadequacy" deep down within myself - so much so that I didn't even want to acknowledge it as a form of weakness...let along identify it even for me - i was hopeless within my hopelessness untill i could recognize it for what it is/was - Hopeless.
All of a sudden the "Hope" and forming identity around "Hope" became such a point of "oh wow - Hope for the hopeless and the helpless - that's the design of the casino"
This ongoing settlement between winning and losing where there's always an edge in favor of the house and it's a matter of structuring odds as to what the potential payouts will be for lucky participants.
In a way I've been stumbling throughout my life - playing all the games - placing many bets - both carelessly and recklessly. In a way sort of glorifying myself as a professional gambler within my own mind. Making my every indulgence within any and all rushes to be a thrill of sorts as entertainment/positivity I can feed off of as the gloss I can create over top the icky darkness at my core.
The "darkness" and the negative state isn't a problem per se. It's actually where more of ourselves is rooted is growing. It's the soil of ourselves of sorts. Our shit is the key to our best fertile soil. It's through the investigation and innerstanding of each and every bit of ourselves that creates and shapes our house....our bed as our garden/body here.
Mining/Minding the Gold is a result of digging deep within ourselves to unearth the incredible stuff. Our deepest darkest shit is the most incredible stuff we've been hiding, suppressing and even unconsciously compensating for.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being so defensive within myself that I could not even challenge my own acceptances and allowances to actually see how I had been holding onto fragments of hopelessness and helplessness within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having been nervous about exploring the deeper and darker negative states of my internal reality - thinking that i could get lost and create some sort of hypnosis that I could possible mind fuck myself within.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand how in various ways throughout my life I perpetuated an underlying current of hopelessness and helplessness where basically I was an outsider of sorts, someone who wasn't equal...on level footing...where there was this point of myself that had been accepted as inadequate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having created a point of inadequacy within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand how my deep and dark state mind has always been a huge key in actually, practically working with my mind as a tool to support my best life directions and creations.
I realize that my creative potential and ingenuity comes from channeling the dark forces of myself. It's a point of purity as I purify the substance of myself internally and so I can move and express the outflow of me externally.
I realize this is the basis of any great sharing - it comes from our heart which is a strong component of what it means to get into the core of ourselves here. The Heart and Breath of the matters here. It's in going to the uncomfortable area as the way to create the best comfort, nourishment, sustenance, and care.
I realize it's in really being vulnerable with myself to get to my weaknesses - all of them, no matter how big or how small - because it's these very bits of instability that are like the weeds in the soil...and the soil is mostly incredible...and it's actually by working with the weeds here that we get to know ourselves and actually enhance the quality of our soil as nutrient rich fertile play ground.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having created and perpetuated compensation tendencies of Hope as a way to 'cover-up' the aspects of myself that I've been mostly unconscious to in defining as hopeless and that which I am helpless about.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the Ridiculousness within self-victimization when and as I realize a 'miss-take"....something I accepted and allowed that I see that I will change and transform.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take ofense and defense to communicating my change - my responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated and annoyed within slowing down to do the math on the scope of my acceptances and allowances.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for holding on to a dichotomy of hope and hopelessness within myself where It's like I've been feeding my own ponzi scheme not understanding that I hold myself within a sort of state of "loss" most of the time...and so those moments of euphoria....the Highs are so memorable and mesmerizing that I am apt to forget about the majority lows which are always the foundation to catipulting myself into these massive new all time highs - only then to fall hard....perpetuating my own cycle within my casino...Not realizing how i've perfected the "pump and dump"....not realizing the majority bag holding of myself in a state of inferior posture positioning as I how I hold and move myself here from moment to moment. Not realizing this hodl mentality within me stemming from, 'the fear of god' - Meaning the fear of Me here - and the unpleasant truths.
I realize it's in the unpleasant truths where the real passionate fury is born. This is the epitome of the phoenix rising from the ashes. It's a re-birth.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing that I cannot be re-born....re-birthed if I do not accept and allow the death of myself here as ego...as inferiority and mind personality system competing for superiority identification and recognition.
I realize that within hope as the gloss to my hopelessness, I've been perpetuating an inadequacy competion of inferiority playouts masquerading as superiority - and in the process I've been careless with my word and world regards - The very best care taking and nourishment of myself has been compromised and neglected....justifiably and excused by me as 'necessary' sacrifices in order to survive and fill the momentary fleeting bliss of desire.
When and as I catch myself caught up in the narratives of hope - I realize this is a moment to go deeper and play detective within myself where I ask "the right questions"...the questions that challenge my comfort zone. I realize in being a great detective it's in being able to ask the difficult questions. I realize that by exercising myself in this way - i am willing to investigate every aspect of myself and so cultivate, sculpt, develop and mature the very best of myself.
I commit myself to the very best of myself.
I realize that asking the 'right questions' is a matter of practicality in see what can I practically work with here. How can I work with what I got here?!
I realize that I cannot live the very best of myself if I am feeding off myself as like this host that just withers away over time because I was so caught up in chasing desire and trying to micro manage desires and people who could fufil my desires....that I totally missed myself....the fact that I am the "house"....I'm not actually required to play against myself, where I am always at odds of sorts...and just testing out the odds. No - I realize I am the house and that the way in which i structure and design my living in my house is not that of a casino - no - There's no pump and dumping allowed. It's beyond imagination - Ironcially, being born from the darkness - the nothingness - the silence of sound - Here.
To Be Continued
Special Thanks Goes Out to: