Agreement with Another

Communication is integral to our best development and maturity. It's in our communications that the opportunity exists to learn from ourselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing nor considering that I haven't a clue as how an agreement should go in making a decision to walk with someone as an equal throughout this lifetime.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing, nor considering that individual desire can be a compromising point within relationships and agreements.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing how extensively so desire can exist as a form of possession where basically everything else is suppressed to the background in attempt to gain control of the desire. I realize that existing in an energy of desire is compromising from the perspective that you can't really stand equal and one with anyone when the desire is intact.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how extensively so the very desire has existed deep down within myself to have a a female partner to walk/share this lifetime with - going all the way back to early childhood and feeling the need/want/desire to have a female best friend. Ironically this stemming from early child hood - a time in which i was punished by my parents for my intimate female relationships. This was the start of suppression for me...my own permissions become suppressed and compromised....now it's like there's this energy here and the trauma hiding behind it that i sheltered myself from really going into the specifics and releasing myself from. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing how i created an experience of "uncompleteness" within myself and this wanting and believing a relationship will "complete" me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to completely throw myself into relationships and in a way 'submit' myself to the relationship as this thing that's greater than just me....but at the same time existing in conflict within myself about just me....while not really doing anything about it and just kind of preoccupying myself within the relationship....going through the motions - not realizing bits and pieces of myself that get more and more buried and lost for a moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard myself within chasing after and seeking out my every desire. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to validate and define sex as an unstoppable desire, thirst and lustworthy indulgence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the energy behind my intentions within this desire. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the consequence of existing within a female relationship stemming from a starting point of desire. I realize there's always been some point deeply suppressed within me of inferiority in relationships...where it's like as much as i am taking and making the relationship seriously - I haven't been serious enough with myself and the nature of suppression within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for playing games within relationships as "characters" that act out role playing from a starting point of energies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand how compromising I've been within within serious relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how extensively programmed and even pre programmed I've been with regards to sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize nor understand how extensively i've been controlled and influenced by sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make beleive in my mind that sex is the ultimate high...the ultimate conquest...the ultimate reward...the ultimate sharing....the ultimate gift....the ultimate treasure....the ultimate point of my existence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize nor understand just how extensively influenced and controlled my getting to know women has been conditioned to whether or not I'm entertaining the idea/prospect of having an ultimate sex experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having dfficulty with sharing and vulnerability. I realize I've been very sensitive to questions and critcisims of my allowances. I realize it's in actually utilizing my sensistivity as a strength and letting go of the weakness in my character. I realize this is a matter of working with the weaknesses in my character when and as a point surfaces/emerges as push/pull for energy reaction play out...where I am wanting to fight. I realize it's the moments where I create a position/response as a defense...that I am perpetuating and fueling my offense and so compromise with myself and the other - because there's an imbalance in my standing as equals.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify and defend the energetic reactions that come up within me. I realize this is a weakness. When and as I see myself automatically jumping into a reactionary argument - I stop and breathe, I realize these moments of reaction in my reality are tests of strength and it's always about working with stress/instability to as the way to turn my stress and strain into new strengths in ability.

I commit myself to letting go of any desire for an intimate partnership. I realize I want one but I don't need one. I realize there's a difference here. I realize my well being is not depenendent upon whether or I am in a relationship with mind blowing sex.

I realize there's a lot more to life than sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having been less than my best within best relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand how I was insensitive in my past relationships to varying degrees as a result of compromising myself within and as a sex possession.

I commit myself to working through all the nitty gritty of sex programmming within myself.

I realize that the point isn't to get humg up on a sort of 'pitty' and 'woe is me' kind of parade...No. The point is here to in fact face my shit - own it - change it. Realization is the first step in making a correction.

I commit myself to taking the time to really sort out what a partnership/agreement really means for me. What am I looking for? What do I want? Is there anything I need?

TO BE CONTINUED

For the Record - I find self-forgiveness to be a bold and courageous writing exericse that challenges and tests points of instability and weakness within our character. Writing Self-Forgiveness is an integral exercise to getting real about our capacity to manage personal responsibilities.

Self-Forgiveness is a Mind/Body/Being purification process. There can be enormous resistance towards the initial exercise and application of Self-Forgiveness....as it's a threat to the ego programming of mind, because you're deliberating going into the depths of your shit....and purifiying shit is at odds with the ego of mind approach to compounding shit.

Special Thanks Goes Out To:

@worldclassplayer

@kimzilla

Redefining Self-Equality

@sunette

I cant' Recognize Myself

@ctedswordways