From a slave to a master chapter # 35 - True Love and the games of the Ego

A Memoir

As part of dealing with our array of beliefs a question always pops up: what should we do with our Ego and how to deal with it?

Many frustrated men have been hurt by someone they dated who suddenly showed a ‘bitchy’ behavior. Many women, to the same extent, cannot understand why their loving spouse became all of a sudden distant and cold in spite of all the warmth and love they had bestowed on him. The answer to such behaviors as well as to many others, relates to the role of the Ego and its functionality.

It is not important at all what we intellectually know about the Ego and how expert we are in psychological theories and such. What matter is practise, and more practise, and here are my inpuits from my own experiences:

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Ask yourself the following hypothetical questions:

• Would you deposit your expensive car in the hands of your eight years old son and would you allow him to drive it while the whole family sits in the back seat and monitors his doings with anxiety?
• Would you allow your little daughter to install a new gas pipe in the new kitchen that you have just finished building?
• Would you permit your ten years old son to use the electric saw to build a new wooden-closet in his bedroom?
• Would you allow your teen-age daughter to use your diamond necklace worth of 10,000$ for her school party? And what would you do if she asked and begged for it and promised that she would keep it safe and secured? And if she threatened that she would run away from home, would you then give in?
• Would you give your nine years old son your pension savings to invest in the stock market? And what if he asked and begged and swore that he "knows a great deal about the financial markets"? Would you agree then? And what if he told you that all the parents who have allowed their kids to do that became rich? Would you be convinced then?

When we allow our Ego to run and to manage any relationship that we are involved in, we actually deposit our most precious and most expensive asset in the hands of an infant.

For the sake of the discussion let’s assume that the ego is a separate part of our personality. This part, when not balanced, stimulates us to feel anger, to judge ourselves and others, to curse and sometimes even to act violently against the people we care for the most. The Ego is neither good nor bad and addressing it as such would be a mistake and misunderstanding of its purpose. The ego is merely a mechanism that we have developed to secure our survival in the physical reality. This mechanism causes us to be alert when we cross the road, to be careful when we use sharp and hazardous work tools, to refrain from testing our flying capacities and so on. It is impossible to imagine secure and healthy life without this wonderful system and hence it is priceless and its function is blessed!

The ego is equipped with tools that connect it with the reality and the physical systems of our human body. It receives information from the outer reality and about the changes within it, in a way that enables it to reach into immediate decisions when necessary. Concurrently, the conscious mechanisms of the mind receive the data that is collected by the Ego and use it to supervise the latter’s decisions. For instance, if the ego transmits to the mind the potential risk in Banji jumping the mind may decide that the experience overrides the risk and hence will overrule the ego’s recommendation.

The ego, albeit its amazing natural sensors, does not have the ability to see the future, to feel the reality, to sense other people’s feelings or to communicate telepathically. Therefore, when we find ourselves in a situation in which we wish to create a relationship with someone else, the ego, as always, analyzes the reality and transmits to the mind the relevant data. If, for example, we meet an attractive woman, who excites us and who triggers within us great passion and the desire to make a contact, the ego will receive that data and will deliver those physical impressions to our mind.

However, at this point a grave malfunction might happen because the same time the Ego delivers the data it also recognizes a potential danger: if we followed the impulse to get to know that woman, if we approached her, if we showed an interest, “hit on her”, we might be rejected. Such rejection, so the Ego says, is a severe hurt to our prestige, to our status, to our honor and ultimately to our feelings. The Ego, which is programmed to protect us, can not allow such a thing to happen. Therefore, the ego will use all the tools that it has to prevent us from doing that mundane act. One of those tools is the feeling of fear which may be accompanied by physical symptoms like dizziness, nausea and shivering which by all means are natural.

Obviously, our mind wisely tells us that we would face no risk if we approached the beautiful girl. Logically then we understand that we can and should go on with our impulse. However, if we allowed the Ego to manage and to control not only our physical survival but our relationships as well, we would succumb to the fear and would remain stuck in our place. This situation is grave because the Ego is a powerful tool that carries great amount of energy with it.

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The only way to get over this block is by understanding that the Ego does not have the tools to analyze or to manage our personal relationships. Therefore, if we want a happy life we must take back the control from the Ego and rather use other mechanisms that our personality is equipped with to handle emotional and psychic issues.

When we reach such decision we automatically change every new encounter to a joyous and easy episode which is free of any ‘games of honor’. Such a "game”, for instance, is the notorious first calls:

a man and a woman have just met and have just had a lovely date together. Soon after the date they begin to consider who will call who first, how soon that should happen, what will they talk about and when their sexual encounter should take place. All these preliminary (and pointless) thinking and planning are originated by the fear that the Ego produces and by its desire to protect from potential hurts. The Ego will tell you that there are certain rules that must be followed in order to make yourselves special in the eyes of the other; that it would be better if you didn’t reveal at first who you really are but rather tried to adhere to the other’s implied wishes; or that it is not polite and acceptable to call the man to tell him that you enjoyed yourself and actually found him adorable.

Numerous books have been written about the following: “The 100 rules to find a guy, to keep him, to marry him, to live with him”; and after you managed miraculously to actually marry a man using those guide books only to discover that you suffer, there came other books who gave you the “100 rules to divorce properly”, and so on and so forth. All those books come from a fearful place and reflect a very hesitant part in our personality that is fed by the Ego. That place demands that every step we are about to make be planned and calculated according to the strict laws of courtship, courtesy and etiquette. Apparently, this is a certain recipe for successful spousal life while actually this is the worst way to create a TrueLove relationship.

But think about it - what do you have to fear from? What could possibly happen if you handled your relationships with no Ego at all? Why, in case your partners still let their ego to run their relationship you will realize very quickly that you two don’t get along together and just like two trains that travel on parallel trails you two live in different systems of behavior. Your choice then not to bring your Ego into your relationships will not fit with the games that your partners still want to play and you will separate. Fortunately, that will happen soon enough and much before your involvement with that person is deepened. By that you have gained time and saved effort because obviously your partner, in his/her current condition, is not your TrueLove.

If, on the other hand, you went along with the Ego games you could find yourself in turmoil and emotional havoc in which Drama and pointless games would preoccupy your time.

The bottom line is that it really doesn’t matter who calls who and how frequently. Moreover, it would take nothing of your dignity and prestige if you told the woman how you really feel for her, and if you are a girl, there is really no need to play the “hard to get” game only to test the sincerity of your date. For that you have your inner intuition, your feelings and your trust in yourself.

In our contemporary online world many people simply block themselves, raise shields and ask their Ego to handle their relationships so they could remain intact and protected. However, such attitude deprives the personality from developing the best tools that it has for such tasks, that are the intuition, the feelings and the inner “gut-feeling”.