From outsider to part of the team: The five stages of the social experience in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu

The first time walking into a BJJ class can be an intimidating experience.

In my case, after about a week of deliberating whether to join or not, I gathered my courage and showed up to the side of the mat for the beginners class, wearing a workout top and leggings.

Everyone was looking at me as if I was some sort of alien species. Trying to look unfazed, I waited patiently until the coach was free to talk to, then I introduced myself to him; he was polite and welcoming, and said that I would need a gi, so he lent me one from the gym’s supply. I changed quickly and then stepped into the class, conformed by an all-male group of about a dozen guys in their twenties and thirties. That’s how it all started!

I have to say I was very lucky that in my very first class I was paired up with a guy that would later become one of my favorite training partners: he was patient, considerate and helpful. However, as many other people have experienced, I didn’t feel immediately integrated into the group. While everyone was reasonably polite and respectful, it certainly took a while to feel completely accepted.

We often talk about the technical or psychological side of practicing BJJ, but today I thought it would be interesting to talk about the social side of it. So here is my take on the Five Stages of BJJ I have experienced so far:

Stage one: “Who the fook is that girl?”

The first couple of weeks certainly put my mind to the test when it came to the awkwardness of it all.

On my first couple of lessons some people were staring at me as if I had mistaken this gym for the pilates studio across the street.

Then I went from feeling like a helpless and uncoordinated mess while trying to make sense out of the coach’s instructions, to being absolutely confused about what I was supposed to be doing when asked to roll in my very first class. I did what I could and then spent hours afterwards Googling stuff like “how do I start a roll from the knees” and “what am I supposed to do when rolling”.

See? I’m not the only one!

In the beginners class, I was often the only woman there, and sometimes I felt like the unpopular kid at school that nobody wanted to roll with. Regardless, I still found the classes fun and rewarding, so I kept going.

Stage two: The polite plateau

The next stage started about one month (6-8 classes) in, at the point when basic terms like guard and armbar (and what they looked like) were not 100% foreign to me. Now at least I could make an acceptable grappling dummy for my teammates while drilling techniques and positions, but when it came to sparring people would still tell me that I needed to relax and that “I didn’t have to go crazy at it” – also known as the good’ol white belt spazzing.

Here I noticed that most of my classmates started feeling a bit more comfortable practicing with me, and some basics of camaraderie started to set in. Most people didn’t even know my name at this stage though, and I didn’t really talk to anyone outside of class, but they would say hi and acknowledge my presence when I was there (which may sound like a given, but trust me, in Berlin is not always the case!).

Stage 3: They are now picking ME! Being recognized as a regular

I would say this started about three to four months in. Whereas before I was training BJJ twice per week, at this point I decided that I should do at least three sessions a week if I wanted to see some tangible progress.

At this point, I already had a handful of training partners that I coupled with regularly for drilling and sparring, and I started to get familiar with everyone’s names as well as them with mine. One noticeable change was that around this time, I realized that now people were actively picking me as a training partner – rather than choosing me last when there was no one else left to pair up with! Haha.

I started to become friends with a couple of people, and overall I could tell that people started being more open with me and a bit more effusive and endearing.

Stage four: Almost everyone knows me and most people have actually learned my name, start getting invited to out of gym stuff.

After about six months of regular training, pretty much everyone knew me and I already made some friends; I upped my number of BJJ sessions per week to about four. This was also the same period when suddenly everyone in the gym started adding me on Facebook, haha.

At this point, I had already a group of BJJ friends that I really enjoyed pairing up with and that enthusiastically picked me when they had the chance as well. I went to local tournaments to cheer for my teammates and accompany them while they waited for their turn to fight; if I had to spend time off the mats due to an injury, my teammates would message me to check up on me and ask me about my progress every now and then. I also got regular feedback from them about my fighting and suggestions on how I could improve things.

I also started to get invited to do things outside of the gym, like going for food/drinks after training, going to someone’s house to hang out or watch something, and little gatherings and events. I really felt like I had finally been embraced as an appreciated member of the team!

Stage five: Coach finally starts calling me by my name! Team mates start investing in me.

It was funny, but it wasn’t until I was approaching the one-year mark that I heard my coach call me by my name for the first time! Don’t get me wrong, is not like he was ignoring me or anything before, I just think that we have such a big school with so many members (many of which come and go after a few months to never return) that I think it wasn’t up until this point that he really saw me as a serious student who was there to stay.

I had also became one of the everyday faces at the gym, taking up 5-6 sessions a week by this point. I also signed up to start competing, and I noticed that my coach really appreciated this.

The most significant change I noticed was that both my coach and my team mates really started investing on me. They started to pay a lot more attention to my performance and would often spend time outside of class correcting my mistakes or showing me how to do a particular move.

This became even more evident when I was preparing for my first competition, and some of my BJJ friends were extremely helpful and attentive, making sure that I got lots of quality repetitions during drilling sessions and volunteering to be grappling dummies so I could rehearse new moves outside of class.

One of them went above and beyond and even helped me develop a simple game plan, as well as researched some takedowns for me (she’s a wrestler so she’s more used to fighting without the gi) that would be suited for my style and weight.

* * *

Now on top of looking forward to training and getting better, I look forward to enter the gym and be greeted with big smiles, friendly handshakes and effusive hugs by my team mates and friends; I look forward to banter a bit and have a chat while we stretch after class or get our things ready to go in the changing room.

It truly feels like a family now, composed of some of the most diverse, interesting and overall awesome people I have ever met... it is amazing how one small choice can expand in unexpected ways and eventually impact your life in a way that you can no longer imagine yourself without it.

Photo by Phil IP X.

Did you have a similar experience? At what point did you feel integrated into your team? I would love to know about other people's BJJ experiences... I have a feeling that my progression was quite slow, but surely in the end it was worth it!

Cheers,

Irime