RE: Hanspot: Dating “Mannerism,” Marriage through Defeat
Are you ready for a rant?
This one strikes a chord. I'm one of them. I'm tired and I'm probably just going to marry someone in the next couple of years because 'Eh, okay'. I feel like marriage in Asian cultures is just an entirely different ball game. I've been faced with the pressure of getting married since I was 21.
Let me give you a pretty typical Indian female perspective. Said Indian female has been sent to university because her value in the marriage market goes up when she has a degree. When she is in her final year, her parents bring up marriage and she resists, if she is allowed that freedom. If not, she's married before she graduates. So many of my classmates have been 'married off' into families where they're not allowed to put their education to use in the real world.
Others have more liberal upbringings but still face the 'marriage pressure'. If you have a boyfriend, the parents are asking when you will get married. Why else would you have a boyfriend at 26. If you don't have a boyfriend, then the situation is 'Well, you haven't found someone for 25 years of your life. What makes you think you'll find one now? Might as well meet and marry a guy that we introduce you to'.
I'm incredibly fortunate and don't have parents with ultra-conservative marriage ideals. They shield me from the society I live in. They shield me from aunts, uncles and relatives who all have the same question on their lips. Apart from asking my parents why they're failing at their duty, that is. At the same time, they're worried. And I can see the worry. And it pains me that they think they've gone wrong somewhere in raising me.
All my friends are either married, scrambling to get married or worrying about having to agree to an arranged marriage. It's making me immune to the idea of a marriage. It seems like way too much collective fuss about something personal.
Now throw a boyfriend who doesn't come from the same culture and has none of these problems into the picture. It's mind-numbingly painful to manage the two sides.
I'm ripe in the Indian marriage market. I've got to go to three weddings of three really good friend over the rest of the year. But I've got my answers to 'Manou, why are you not getting married? Don't you have a boy on the sly?' at hand - I drink my wine and slowly walk away.
Ok, rants ends. Maybe you'll want to think twice about asking people to write their thought below next time ;)
I love me a good rant @manouche, but this is honestly a very thoughtfully structured explanation that could easily become multiple posts.
I definitely understand a great deal of what you're dealing with and I can see it all around me when it comes to friends and family. I have an older female cousin in her mid 30s and every day seems to be an emotional war zone of family anxiety, even though she owns a very successful business and is in no rush to settle down.
The educational qualification for marriage is a great point and I see many Korean families in particular dolling out 100s of thousands of dollars for an Ivy League education that they have absolutely no expectations for other than appeasing their daughter's potential spouse. The lack of professional expectation is really damning and it is painful to watch the people who shield you suffer the barrage of pressure.
I will say thought that there is hope. Up until the moment I myself said my vows, the question of marriage was a huge anxiety for my and my now wife's family. If I can pass off any semblance of advice, it is to focus almost completely on yourself and your wellbeing in terms of social life and work. I honestly don't see any way of really mitigating this part of more conservative cultures and temporary escape is the best course of action until you're really ready to 'settle down.' When you finally do, the only thing anyone cares about is if you're healthy/happy.
Until the question of children...............
Love how you put 'settle down' in quotes. Because I hate the term!!
My flatmate in Seoul is 32 and one of the smartest people I know. She's started her own company and has developed an impressive portfolio within a year and yet all she hears from people around her is 'When do you get married?'.
Oh well, thanks for the reassuring words @hansikhouse. My strategy is to escape by leaving the country at any opportunity that presents itself. Then I'm not so worried because with society it truly is 'out of sight, out of mind'. They only care when they can see you stand out in their surroundings.
Let's keep children for another post ;)