Dating Tips from the Animal Kingdom

While chocolate and roses are one way to win the affections of your beloved, I think when it comes to courtship the animal kingdom has us humans beat. Just in case you haven’t come up with a plan yet (or want to stock up on ideas for next year!) here are a few rituals that should provide you with plenty of ammunition.

10.) The Manakin bird

https://www.hbw.com/ibc/species/57097/photos

The Manakin bird. He has better moves than Jagger- He’s got the moves like MJ. Think that’s awesome? Here’s the great part. Manakins are a type of bird that participates in Lek mating. Lekking, from the Swedish word for “play,” refers to ritualistic competitive mating displays. In other words, not only do Manakins moonwalk, but they DANCE BATTLE MOONWALK!

Lesson for human dating: Epic dance moves will almost always win you the object of your affections

Bonus true fact: there are two types of Lekking: classical leks and exploded leks. I’m not going to go into detail, I just think you should know that there is a thing called exploded leks. Thank you, Wikipedia.

9.) The Midge

https://cosmosmagazine.com/biology/antarctic-midge-trades-junk-dna-life-extreme

Sometimes, we look to the animal kingdom for advice on what not to do. I’ll spare you the details of hippo flirting (ok fine… he flings his own feces at her face), and tell you the tale of the midge, a non-biting gnat.

Picture this: it’s a muggy summer dusk on the lake. As the sun sinks behind the evergreens, lights at the ends of the docks begin to blink on. Mr. and Mrs. Midge are engaging in a dance as old as time itself. She looks at him. He looks at her. They slowly lean in and…. she sucks his bodily fluids right out of his mouth, instantly killing him. Whoops.

Lesson for human dating: Kiss nicely. Ease up on the suction, hombre.

8.) Argentine lake duck

Most bird species do not have external genitalia, but thanks to what some scientists describe as a “sexual arms race” the Argentine lake duck not only has a penis, it has… well..

A giant corkscrew penis the length of its body. Not only is this the biggest penis relative to body size ever found in a bird, this is the biggest penis relative to body size ever found in a vertebrate. You may be wondering how something like that evolves, and it turns out male ducks engage in what’s called “forced copulation” with the females, which is exactly as terrifying as it sounds. To protect themselves, researchers found that female ducks have developed a giant corkscrew vagina that twists in the opposite direction to the males. One theory is that this arrangement prevents males from forcefully depositing sperm, and allows females a choice in mate.

Lesson for human dating: I’ll let you decide.

http://www.4seasons.com.ar/

Bonus true fact: Some of my sources said that the Argentine lake duck uses its penis to “lasso” his mate, but I couldn’t find anything that supported that rumor. If in your studies you find a primary reference that confirms or denies that suspicion, let me know!

7.) The Bowerbird

http://www.bbc.com/earth/story/20141119-the-barmy-courtship-of-bowerbirds

As someone who has come to terms with being an anal-retentive type-A control freak, nothing turns me on quite like color coding. Bowerbirds, however, have taken obsessive to a whole new level.

The bowerbirds spend 80% of their time decorating their bowers, then sit back and wait for the girls to flock. Ladies, one at a time please.

Lesson for human dating: Keep your love nest organized. Ladies love organization. (No? Just me?)

http://www.cbc.ca/lifestory/extras/stories/mating-rituals-bower-bird

Bonus true fact: bowerbirds have been shown to use pebble size gradients to create a “forced perspective” optical illusion. In other words, they trick the girls into believing that they are- ahem- bigger than they really are.

6.) The Argonaut

Look at this little guy:

https://www.kbrc.org.za/news/argonauts-hit-shores/

Dontcha just want to snuggle up right next to him? This is the male argonaut, a type of octopus. He doesn’t want to cause any trouble for the female argonaut- after all, she’s 15 times larger than him- so what’s a fella to do? Well, he detaches his own non-regenerating, one-time-use-only penis WHICH HAS THE ABILITY TO SWIM INDEPENDENTLY and sends it her way, presumably wishing it the best of luck on its journey.

Lesson for human dating: Don’t be afraid to share an important piece of yourself with your partner.

Bonus true fact: When researchers first discovered the dismembered member in a female argonaut, they thought it was a parasitic worm.

5.) Emperor penguins

Emperor penguins win at two things: Being adorable, and being fancy. Even Lord Grantham would be impressed by penguins’ manners. Before they get down to amorous congress, penguins even bow to each other.

Shhhhhhh just watch. Pretend it’s in black and white, And that you just paid $25 for this fine cinematic experience.

Lesson for human dating: Manners matter.

4.) The Red Velvet Mite

http://www.realmonstrosities.com/2012/04/giant-red-velvet-mite.html

There is no tasty snack as romantic as a red velvet cupcake, just as there is no arachnid as romantic as the red velvet mite.

Not only do they look like undersized papsan cushions with legs, they’re actually quite the date-planners. See, when a male mite wants to woo a female mite, he lays down a trail of silk for her to follow. And just like in the movies, when she reaches the end of the trail she finds him patiently waiting for her. If she likes him, she accepts his offering of… well… a packet of sperm.

https://imgur.com/gallery/b9X4T/comment/426051867

Lesson for human dating: Romantic treasure hunts = solid gold. Just maybe pick a different gift for your beloved to find at the end.

Bonus true fact: The oil secreted from red velvet mites can apparently increase sexual desire

3.) Horseshoe crabs

https://newsela.com/read/horseshoe-crabs

Like any self-respecting blue-blooded fancy-pants (<– that’s funny because horseshoe crabs really have blue blood!), the horseshoe crab knows how to create romance. For years, it was nearly impossible to get horseshoe crabs to breed in captivity, and here’s why: to spawn they need to be on the beach in the sand that they themselves were born in, in the spring, during a full moon. That’s standards, baby.

https://oceanservice.noaa.gov/facts/horseshoe-crab.html

Lesson for human dating: You can’t go wrong with a warm beach and a full moon.

2.) Elephants

https://wonderopolis.org/wonder/do-elephants-ever-forget

As my favorite animal, elephants have a responsibility to impress me in all that they do. They don’t disappoint when it come to courtship. In order to catch the attention of a pretty girl, male elephants will sometimes fight each other, or show off the size of their trunks. To really win the fair maiden’s hand, however, they simply compete to see who can be the nicest to her. The bull will defend her from other suitors, bring her food, and caress her with his trunk. They’ve also been known to flirt by squirting her with water. All together now, “Awwwwwwww.”

http://www.vanishingtattoo.com/tds/tattoos_designs_symbols_elephant_inspiration.htm

Even more adorable is that elephants don’t part ways after mating. Instead, they go through a honeymoon period where they continue to hang out and snuggle.

Lesson for human dating: Always try to out-nice the next guy

1.) Seahorses

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/next/nature/two-species-of-seahorses-found-living-in-the-thames-river/

I hated to bump elephants from the number one spot, but when it comes to courtship seahorses know what they’re doing. Most of us are aware that it is the male seahorses who become “pregnant” following fertilization. While that’s fantastic, their courtship ritual could have inspired a Nora Ephron screenplay. Not only do they truly mate for life, a rarity in nature, they also seem to like being around each other. During courtship they perform an intricate dance that can last up to 9 hours which involved tail wrapping, face nuzzling, and color changes- quite a feat. After the female lays her eggs in the male’s pouch, she continues hanging around him, and she greets him every morning. I swear I’m not making this up, they’ve even been observed holding tails and going on strolls. She only has eyes for her partner, and doesn’t get distracted by other males, no matter how bright their colors shine.

http://theconversation.com/the-secret-sex-life-and-pregnancy-of-a-seahorse-dad-46599

Lesson for human dating: Just follow the seahorse’s lead.

That wraps up my countdown. Here’s to love nests, tail holding, and the sincere hope that no one EVER sees my browser history from researching this post.

Happy holidays;)