Can you identify?

We were kids when we fell in love, even though he was four years older than me we were still kids. Sometimes I wonder where our lives would have taken us if we have never met have stayed together. It was seven years of my life that form part of who I am. I don’t know if in the future I will ever see him again, It has been over four years and we haven't crossed anywhere and live in the same city. Can someone become such a strange that you never get to see them ever again? Just yesterday I was going through our old stuff and get rid of 99 percent of everything that reminded me of him; I can only imagine what his life consist of right now. I know he’s married, I know I am not the same person he met over 10 years ago. I have come to believe that my selective amnesia is very powerful. I remember how he made me feel and how much he loved me. I close my eyes right now but cannot picture him completely.

He was my first love or so I thought, I mean I was only 15 then. He apparently did a good job by keeping me for 7 plus years :). I do remember talking about everything every night and only meeting on the weekends. Every year that we celebrated together, It was one step closer and every time; I was more secluded from everything that did not included him. He made me dependent on him, he knew this game more than I did. He would get mad very easily if I didn't reply a message within a certain amount of time or even answer his phone calls. His jealousy was so overbearing that, I started to lose interest on my self image and that is where I started dying. I started to leave my friends behind and would only interact with his friends. Since he was older, I started to believe that I was too. my best years from 15 to 23 years old were next to him. I go back and try to remember things that girls at that age would do and I CAN'T. Being intimate was the hardest part of the relationship. I never slept over, I made him beg for it and I always felt that I wasn’t 100 percent there.

I saw a way of escaping when I got to college. It was the perfect plan, moving to Miami and starting over. I ended everything holding on to that excuse and hiding the real reason. It was hard finding out that I was still attached by the memories even tho the love was long gone. Attachment is a powerful thing and it can hurt a lot. He still kept in touch and visited form time to time. I ended up coming back home and getting back into his routine. This time, our families started asking for us to formalize the relationship. There was my wakeup call, I freaked out just by imagining the rest of my life with him. It was only at that moment that I came to my senses. I took almost another year for him to stop calling and attempting contact. It was devastating for him unlike for me, I was free.

He loved me and professed his feeling every time he got. It was his way of loving and I allowed it. Everyone that saw us thought we where the perfect couple, and at moment we seemed like it. He serenaded every song that would remind him of us to me. Coming back to right now I would ask him to forgive me. To forgive me for all of those years that I knew were over and that I allowed him to continue believing the same love was reciprocated. I kept faking it for too long and it did more harm than anything. Until today, I have never met someone that loved me with the intensity that this MAN did. I was his world and his insecurities took the best of him. I know he did everything in his power to love me and keep me happy. The biggest contradiction of my life was HIM.