A sentence makes me cry
Can you cry for only a sentence? Yeah, I can!
----Life isn't worth living when your heart went to heaven...
After my American husband left the world, I also lost the whole world. I lost myself, but I don't know how to describe my depression and melancholy all along exactly.
I once wrote "when looking back on the past, our life is like a dream" in a comment on the blog of one of my dear Steemiar friends. True, in my view, everything in this mortal world is temperory and meaningless like dream now. I am lost in a fog, without the aim and direction of life. I am only "alive", eating and sleeping like a pure animal without emotion. Or I don't know what and who I should love and hate!
What/Who caused such a huge tragedy? I have no answer. Maybe only God knows how our perfect international love like a beautiful modern fairytale was ruined so ruthlessly!
Until I read this sentence: Life isn't worth living when your heart went to heaven... my tears rolled down my face like the unconnected and scattered pearls falling all of sudden. I know I get my answer!
It is the first time that I realize that my heart has been to heaven the moment my American husband died. His sudden passing took me from the mortal world at a stroke. The so-called success/wealth and fame for which I once hungered are as vapour and nonsense to death itself.
My life isn't really worth living any more, since I have experienced the extreme pleasure, I have made my biggest and craziest dream come true for a very short time, that's enough. I clearly know it is impossible for me to have that kind of euphoria when I finally married myself off to a perfect American later. Life is becoming a horrible subtraction operation in the rest of my days.
I am an athiest all along. However, now I strongly desire that I can become a thiest. Thus I can meet my late American husband afterlife again.
I will grasp him tightly, never letting him go; I will fly with him together, never parting from him; I will have the enough courage to leave all people and things behind me, ignoring and breaking all the rules and barriers to combine with him.
Nevertheless, everything is too late. He came to China due to the summons of my unwavering love, unfortunately after he really arrived in China, I found that I had no ability and nerve to offer him any love. Although I tried my best to do everything for him, the price is that I was ill, and my mother was also threatened to be ill seriously.
Oh, God, Who taught he was an American citizen? He didn't realize his noble American citizenship which just let all Chinese around me envy me to death. They tried their best to make trouble with me and ruin my family.
My mother and he are both the people I love most in the world. Who should I care more?
My mother was threatened heavily, her blood pressure rised up to 200, nearly dead. God, it is all only because I married an American husband. At that time I even began to "hate" my American husband in the bottom of my heart, how and why did such a bad result happen? I expected that it could be a great honor to my family for my marrying an American husband, but why? why? why?
Until I had a visit to Nigeria after my American husband passed in China,(Thank godness, it is the only money he left me, otherwise I really have no money to afford such a long trip.) I realize how naive and foolish I am! My Nigerian friend in secret said to me that he told the local Nigerians that I was his boss's Chinese friend, instead of his private friend. My Nigerian friend is really too worldly wise. He did so just for protecting me well, no wonder I found that I was treated like a VIP(very important person) in the Best Western Meloch hotel,Nigeria. This hotel's general manager is my Nigerian friend's boss' friend, as usual, the boss can entertain his international guests in it. I really saw some white customers in that hotel. (Oh, I forget which state my Nigerian friend is in. I only remember he told me that he belonged to Igbo people, I also remember we once stayed in a city named Enugu, except the city Lagos where my flight landed from Being/China to Doha/the capital of Qatar to Nigeria. I am really completely ignorant about Nigeria, but I am proud of myself for taking risk to pay a visit to Nigeria lonely. It really needs tremendous courage! If without having experienced the horrible death, I really daren't go to such a remote and strange country alone. I finally understand how difficult it is for my American husband to make up his mind to come to China!) all hotel staff just said "Good morning" to me friendly in the corridors. I was pretending to be his boss's honorable Chinese friend unintentionally , OK? The truth is I even don't know who his boss is, it is said that his boss is very powerful and wealthy, having a big house in London, UK. However, his employee-my Nigerian friend can only earn the mean salary each month, and he must serve and work for him very cautiously. It's still rather a good and decent/enviable government job in Nigeria, I can imagine how poor a life the common Nigerians live! It seems that in any country there is a huge gap between the poor/humble and the rich/noble, even in the poorest country, there are also a very few people living in a very privileged and luxurious life. The whole world is like a huge financial pyraMMMid, on top of which is US(the country my husband came from). and among this huge financial pyraMMMid, there are more than 100 big or small financial pyraMMMids, seperately representing more than 100 different countries/national governments all over the world.
Luckily I still keep some photos taken in Best Western Meloch hotel, I just post them here. Such a beautiful and warm memory!
The swimming pool in Best Western Meloch hotel
The colored fried rice with beans and chicken
I also got an ivory pendant from a Chinese working in Nigeria in the airport in a very cheap price(about 8 dollar). That Chinese told me that I just wasted my trip to Nigeria, since I didn't buy any ivory jewlery. However, my Nigerian friend never mentioned ivory to me, I only tasted the avocados at first in Nigeria. Avocado is rather expensive in China, incredibly, it is unexpectedly cheaper than banana in Nigeria! That Chinese also told me although Nigerian government controlled ivory trading, there were still a lot of places to sell ivory jewelry in Nigerian local market in the very cheap price.
My ivory pendant!
I guess that if he told the local Nigerians that I was his private Chinese friend, there must cause trouble on him. He had no money, having no chance to go abroad, how could he have a Chinese friend suddenly?
Yeah, without the great internet technology, it is absolutely impossible for me to marry an American and get to know my Nigerian friend this life! We all didn't realize the amazing power of technology.
I am a poor Chinese. When I suddenly took a white American man to my family (I wish you all read my Steemit blog about Chinese household registration system) and claimed that he was just my American husband, you can imagine how those Chinese's jaws dropped and hit the ground!
What's worse, the bloody wealthy Chinese in the upper class began to slander my husband and me. They told my father that all Americans coming to China were poor Americans, my American husband must be a poor and bad American on purpose, and they also warned my father and me not to expect the good result to marry an American who is not trustworthy, I was doomed to be abandoned and played, etc.
No, it is not the truth. My American husband was from a family of middle class in New York, he graduated from a good college, he was gentle and kindhearted like an angel. But he really suffered a huge misfortune, being hurt and wronged heavily, so all he wanted was to be loved deeply, inspiring his dormant life to be alive again.
After he has gone, I notice that his American family and friends are also missing him. It is all our human being's common defect: Only being lost we learn to treasure. They posted his photos in their facebook pages, they commented on their posts, reminiscing the past happy time spent with him. I know they really miss and cherish him very much like me. From his young photos they posted, I know how handsome and wealthy my American husband was, he was like a noble prince, being favored by all his American family and friends, oh, he was once a beloved of God.
But when my American husband was in China, he told me that he was very disappointed in the fact that nobody in US sent him any birthday blessing except a kind American lady who is as young as his kids. (It turns out that she is really a kindhearted and compassinate woman, she is the only American who comforted me for a long time after my husband died. Pitifully she is only one of his friends, not his family member. What she could do is very limited. What's more, she is so young, large part of my American husband's life she fails to know, too. ) He insisted in refusing to return to US lonely until I got American visa. He was like a self-willed and naive child many times. Yeah, we are of one kind.
I always remember the story "The diamond necklace" written by the great French novelist Maupassant, in the article, the author exclaimed:
What would have happened if she had not lost that necklace? Who knows? Who knows? How strange and changeful is life! How small a thing is needed to make or ruin us!
Alas, if at that time my bloody Chinese relative didn't make trouble with me on my Chinese household registration booklet, (my mother wasn't threatened to be ill seriously.) or if my husband's American family could offer us a little care/love and help, our love story would be a completely different version!
How could he die in China miserably? How could I deal with his funeral lonely in China?
People keep telling me life goes on. but to me, that is the saddest part.
All the photos in Nigeria were just taken by myself! Oh, I also saw the turkeys in Nigeria at the first time, such a romantic and dreamlike feeling. When I sat around a table with my Nigerian friend, drinking the white Palm Wine through a straw, very light flavor, only a little sweet, watching the turkeys walking around in the open gardon, I doubted if I had a time travel and entered the old British novel about the western Africa where people collected palm wine by cutting palm tree directly.
I love the video of @island-girl so much. Just as she said in her video:
With much love, the world is full of wonders just waiting for you to unfold!
I know I still want to love, love people and our mortal world until God takes me to unite my late American husband in heaven.
True love needs great courage and wisdom! True love also needs to be trained and taught!
I also love another Steemiar friend @zanoni's words:
Let's start caring more on each other, on steemit and real life. Every little step can help to create a better world. We are all creators.
Such warm and beautiful sentences!
The last but not least, if you love my content and photos, please remember to upvote and resteem my blog, thank you all!
I just blocked @badcontent who is like an abhorrent shadow in my blog comments! It is just our world, we can always meet some friends or some enemies! The best way is to focus on our friends and ignore our enemies. If not, we can really be killed by those posionous people. I know how my late American husband was tortured and pestered by the posionous people, otherwise how could he contract the heart disease and die in such a young age?
Such an anglelic and excellent American scholar! We miss you forever! forever! forever!
If Christian/Jesus is true,(I am never a Christian, but I try to learn and believe it now.) at this time my American husband must have passed the test/judgement of God, being allowed to gain an eternal life in heaven directly.
Travelling to a new place can surely help a lot to heal the wounds of our past. Healing takes time though or even some wounds in our hearts takes a lifetime to recover. I used to be a solo traveller but I also enjoy travelling with friends when I can. That's an awesome trip you had in Nigeria! you're so brave flying from China to Nigeria yourself. I love fresh Avocado and Palm/Coconut juice too which is also very common in my country. That's a cute Turkey in the photo! I remember when I was a child each time I arrive from school, our turkeys at home would chase me hehe. We had like 10 of them. They're nice and gentle animals but can be a little harsh when not in the mood. It's fascinating to see how a turkey's skin changes depending on their mood. They turn bluish and white when relax and they turn red when not in good mood.
So sweet you also shared about my blog here. Glad you enjoyed it too.
Life is good despite all the pain. Never ever forget that. @ginafraser
Oh, really? Avocado is also common in the Phillipines? In China, 1 avocado can cost 10 Chinese yuan or more(about 2 dollar. 1 dollar is equal to 6.3 Chinese yuan), but in Nigeria, 1 avocado only costs 1 Chinese yuan, 10 times cheaper. And banana in nigeria is more expensive than avocado. Very strange for me!
Yeah, it is a long trip. There is not direct flight between China and Nigeria. But you can check different flight options. At first I planned to choose the flight: Beijing/China to Cairo/Egypt to Lagos/Nigeria, later I found the cheapest route is Beijing to Doha to Lagos. I also never thought I could stay in Doha airport for some time. But Doha airport is very new and beautiful, most of waiting halls are covered with carpets. It is said that Qatar is a wealthy oil-producing country. The free meal in the Qatar flight includes the speciality of middle-east countries--chickpea.
I love travelling. I was dreaming to travel to US with my American husband happily, who knows all my dreams collapsed suddenly?
At that time when he told me that he chose a flight from New York to Toronto/Canada then to Beijing, during the flight between Toronto to Beijing, he just passed the Arctic Circle, somehow I felt a little auspicious. As result, he never returned to US alive.
I love his first trip to China, he took the Delta flight from Seattle to Beijing. I always remember our first meeting in Beijing airport, I was really in ecstasy. Too exciting! My heart was drunken. We took the bus in the evening, watching the myriad twinking lights out of the window along the street in Beijing city, the whole world was singing for us! This is the magic of love!
Of course, it is also due to his American status. I remember the Princess Diana was asked why she loved Prince Charles, she answered that because he was a prince.
In my mind, my American husband was my biggest dream come true, he really satisfied all my craziest dream and even beyond.
My self-abasement ruined me to some extent, too, except the barriers and ruins from outside . Because I didn't understand why and how I could be so lucky to marry the prince of my dream. I really feel I am too lucky.
Until he died, I became the most miserable woman from the luckiest woman suddenly, I realize that the reason why I was so lucky is I took advantage of the amazing power of internet technology unintentionally.
It seems that all those wealthy and successful people are also common people, without the special talent, the only difference is they are good at grasping a great chance or taking advantage of a great tool.
Now I believe that the great tool is blockchain technology. Recently, there is a famous Chinese named 郭宏才, nickname 宝二爷 who has just created a legend. He was once a common Chinese who made a living by selling beef, you can imagine what a low status he was in China. However, he became very wealthy and successful, obtaining his American green card and buying the big house and luxury car in US all of sudden.
The secret is he invested Bitcoin a few years ago. At that time nobody in China believed that Bitcoin could make a fortune, but he chose to believe in it. And he really succeeded.
Oh, if only my American husband was still alive, travelling all over the world is really not a dream. A lot of chances to earn good money waiting for us! But my fate was changed by his sudden death forever! forever! Everything becomes very difficult again, all my past efforts are zero like a dream gone!
Oh. Thank you for telling me that turkey's skin can change. So funny. According to you, the turkey in my photo must be not in good mood. It is very red.
I never saw any turkey before.
The world is really so big! A lot of unknown things are waiting to unfold.
It reminds me of eyes color. My late American husband once told me that his eyes color could change. When in the sunshine his eyes looked greenish; as usual, they were hazel. But his son has blue eyes. In their view, blue eyes are the best. Now I feel he was like a dream.
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