Why I Can't Have Alex and The Reasons Why I Want Him

Humans have a weird logic in this respect. It's not generalisable to everyone but it certainly is to me.
I can't have Alex because he lives where I'm from, where I spend approximately a quarter of the year. He also made it pretty apparent, on the first of our two encounters he was moving away, to experience the city life I love so much. In that moment though, I had this overwhelming panic. I can't imagine living on a small island, but I was instantly thinking 'What about me?' 'What does this mean for where this is going?'. Yes, these are completely irrational and dramatic thoughts you have and never say out loud, but they do cross your mind.

This leads to reason number 1 of wanting someone you can't have- Fantasising
Maybe not so much jumping to conclusions, or having expectations like a lot of people say. But I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a secret part of me that wanted this to be the one exceptional, meant-to-be relationship, that he would go to lengths to make work. Maybe he could manipulate his future plans to involve me, visit me, confess to me that I'm the one he wants.
The problem here is not with him and his life decisions, it's an inner issue within me of wanting to be desired. Now don't get me wrong, I never enter into things for validation, but everyone knows how much a relationship or at least having a 'thing' going on puts a spring in your step. It fulfils the idea of true love thats been embedded in you since you were a child, from movies, books and those annoying teenagers at high school that appeared to find it so quickly. To an extent, this fantasy hazes your rational view of things. Yes, Alex was a very attractive man. He was tanned, muscly, maybe shorter than I would go for, but nothing that wasn't made up for with his performance in bed. So why did I crave him so much? Why was it that after our first date he hadn't text I went insane? Why did the thought of him not wanting me make me lose my appetite?

This brings us on to reason number 2- Idealising
Even overlooking my desire for love, being a hopeless romantic at heart, there is another vital flaw in my logic, which I'm often guilty of doing. This is searching/swiping far and wide for my profile of a 'perfect' guy. Normally, in respect of looks, being completely out of my league. The excitement of finding him is overwhelming. The texts, the first date, the kiss. Then there's that feeling you get, where you get so blinded by these perfections, any flaws they might have seem to slip away. Resultantly, you put them up on a pedestal. He held doors open for me, he paid for the drinks, he was open and honest. So when Alex he dropped the bomb about going to London my heart sunk. The way I'd built him up just made the process of getting over what could never be even harder. I remember him telling me how he surprised his girlfriend once, painting this picture of a lovely, caring guy. I overlooked how we were completely intellectually unmatched and at completely different points in our lives. These indications he'd given me he was a good guy isn't enough for me to know for sure if is. I'd compare it to snatching a new toy away from a child, even if they child didn't really want it or think it was the best toy they'd ever had, they certainly want it now its gone. There's a weird element of human nature that really does make us desire things that on the face of it seem to be so perfect, we're willing to suppress certain flaws. After some reflection of my experience with Alex, I realise a lot of the anxiety and overthinking of our situation was caused by my own self doubt.

This brings us on to the final reason- Self opinion
If this 10 days at home has taught me anything, it's that a man can really make you doubt yourself. Sure he complimented me and said all these things that bigged me up. But their value was completely shadowed when he decided not to text after our first date. After days of panic and self doubt I finally just thought, I can wait endlessly from him to not contact me or text this guy and see him again. I had such a desire after our first date to have sex with him. While some might criticise this, I hugely enjoy sex and won't be shamed for doing it what some people consider too early. So I've had a lot of sex, and it's something I'm confident with. That, along with being generally being able to hold a conversation and, if I may say so myself be pretty hilarious at times, that's where the securities become insecurities. I've always had a weird relationship of my body. It's certainly an average body, I neither hate it or love it, it's just okay. Being in the company of such a beautiful man really challenged this. I convinced myself he wasn't making the effort with me because while I might have made him laugh and given him some quality sexy time, he didn't rate my appearance enough to really want to be with me. This was particularly aggravated by seeing him like photos of models in their bikinis on Instagram.
Looking back now, I jumped to these conclusions due to my insecurities. I overlooked he was waking up at 5.30 to go to the gym and working overtime until 8 every night, even working at the weekend. I dismissed that his reasoning for not wanting anything serious with me was because he was moving away. I assumed I was at fault.
Yes, maybe I got ahead of myself, I threw myself in as soon as I met him- that's the fantasising part. As it was going well, I idealised him. After it fizzled out when I returned to my city, my ego took a hit, thinking I wasn't good enough for someone like him. That's the hardest thing, not knowing a real reason why something didn't develop.
Having said that, whatever the reason, it's opened my eyes to needing to work on my self confidence and realism when starting things with these seemingly 'perfect' guys.
Time will tell how I implement them, so stay close for updates.