Perhaps, the only way to love a person is to love without hope?
This is something that I don't want to admit for the longest time. Despite being anti-fragile, I know that it is hard to go on without being vulnerable. It is hard to go on without an inspiration. I'm afraid to be called needy because that's what the society labels those who are desperately calling for love. Days go by, I've shut myself inside, protected from the rest of the world. Emptiness is real and isolation is slowly killing me. I realize that I've built everything on an island. I can't go on being a castaway anymore. I want to love without hope in order to survive.
What does loving without hope means?
It is bravely being myself and shouting out to the world that I am only human. It's saying fuck off to those who judge, this is me now full of love. It is embracing love as it is. It's being in love with life as it comes. It is loving everything that comes with love - the thrill, the drama and the pain. It is loving without controlling. It is merging the freedom of two human beings and letting everything flow. It is loving freely despite the pain.
I know the feeling very well, it is hard to swallow when pain strikes my chest. I don't know if I want that feeling again. One day breaking down and crying hard, then being a monster again the next, unfeeling. I'm not sure if I want to go back to this psycho-cycle of love. I don't believe in this madness. I'm quite a skeptic of anything that feels good at the beginning. All it did was to tear my heart open and crush me into pieces. All my life, I don't know what love is, really, the world for me is nothing but a threat. I'm way more in love with my own narcissism and melancholy.
Yet, here I am, still wanting to love. However, this time around, loving without hope. Loving without hope is to take risks by loving dangerously. It is to love vulnerably with my heart on my sleeve. Sure, everything that comes with it will likely to hurt. It is not projecting the dark side, it is understanding the reality of loving truly, of loving freely. And to love without hope is to be open-hearted enough to be fine having my heart broken. It is loving again and again for as long as I live, until I am adapted to heartbreak. There's no use in protecting myself anymore. There's no use in trying to be hard because, in the end, only the hard ones break. The real strong are the soft ones, those who are courageous enough to love repeatedly despite the pain. Those who are courageous enough to admit that love is what they need and life does not make any sense without it.
This will hurt. Why prevent your heart from getting broken? Heartbreak is inevitable anyway. Who are you anyway? What makes you special from the rest? You are nothing but a human who needs love too. So perhaps, transform the pain into something that will make you stronger yet a person full of love. If life does not make any sense without a company, without love, then either get better adapting to its pain or don't live. What are you in this world if you can't love? You are just consuming the resources and nothing more. Your breath contributes to global warming. You only inspire others to be unlovable like you. Your misery is contagious. Don't lie to yourself, get over yourself. What good are you without love? Sorry but, you might as well be dead. It's better to -1 than add up to the world already full of bitterness. What the world needs now is +1 more love.
Can you love without an agenda? Can you really love without putting your self-interest first? To love without hope is to give what you can give because there's just no sense in living life without sharing. There's no sense in watching the beautiful sunset if no one is there to tell you how beautiful it is. There's no sense in keeping it all for yourself. The world does not need +1 more greedy of all life's beautiful moments.
Loving without hope is allowing others to love the way they must love. It's letting them be and seeing through all their shit. It's being grateful for the times together and accepting that even good things must come to an end. It is learning to let go when the time calls for it and courageously embracing the pain. It is learning how to move on and love again. Loving without hope means being Love itself.