QUESTION OF THE DAY:

When you know that a friend has cheated and the spouse asks you, should you be honest and betray the other person’s trust, or just stay out of it by denying any knowledge

Ooooh. This is a good one.

Generally my position is unless it's your BEST friend or a CLOSE family member, it's not your place to tell. And even then, you need to measure the risk. The person may not be ready to hear it, or handle it. Or they may have extremely fickle feelings once they do find out and rage on you for being the messenger and not telling them sooner. Infidelity brings with it many complications.

A cheating spouse may be preparing to tell the truth and needs to work through some things first. There could be abuse involved, or a history you are unaware of.

Cheating on someone is no simple task. It requires lying, deceiving, pretending, keeping facts straight, keeping things hidden, using money secretly, changing the schedule to accommodate a secret rendez-vous with another lady....

Cheating also involves faking feelings to save face, checking in to make sure your spouse is not on to you, etc. All of this leads to a shift in personality, habits, behaviors, attitudes, and feelings. No matter how clever a cheater may be, they can never be truly authentic with their partner. Even if the partner doesn't know what's going on, they know when something is "off."

They will see what they want to see. When they are ready to see it, things will start to show up. That’s how it works. They don’t need YOU to point out their relationship sucks.

That being said, your situation is a little different since YOU were approached and not the other way around. This changes the game. You have been put into a very difficult situation through no fault of your own, and now, no matter what you choose to do, you will be either betraying the one or lying to the other.

If I were you, I would take one of two approaches:

APPROACH #1:

Ask the spouse why they feel that way. Get them to open up and talk about their own feelings, validate them as neutrally as you can, listen to them, and encourage them to listen to their own gut and find out for themselves what it is that keeps them up at night.

Say, “You could be onto something. Maybe you need to look into it. Try reading up on the subject, or get a therapist to help you navigate the issue. As for me, I’d feel really uncomfortable getting involved in something this delicate because I love you both and want you to be happy together.”

Keep the conversation off of you so as not to get in the middle. Then, put some distance between you and the couple for awhile so you don’t get pulled into a war when everything hits the fan. Because it WILL hit the fan. And if you are involved, YOU will get the brunt of it.

(http://www.ground-zero.biz)

The fact is, if your friend is bold enough to ask you a question like that, they already suspect it anyway, which means they will be on the lookout, and they will find out soon.

APPROACH #2:

Ask the spouse why they feel that way. Get them to open up and talk about their own feelings, validate them as neutrally as you can, listen to them, get a feel for whether they really are ready to hear the truth, and then tell them only what they need to hear.

Keep it simple, like, “Yeah, I think something might be going on. But I don’t know all the details, and honestly, I do not feel comfortable getting involved. I think you guys have a lot to work out, and it should not include me being in the middle.”

Then let the spouse know you love them BOTH, you hope for the best, recommend a good therapist, and leave it at that.

The approach you take depends entirely on

• how close you are to each individual
• how solid each individual is (which one is least likely to blow up on you and blame you when things go wrong)
• Whether the spouse is really ready to hear what you have to say

It is NOT your job to fix this, or tell all the details. That is your friend’s job. Do not rob that from them or take on their burden. It isn’t yours to take.

After that, you need to distance yourself a little bit...

(https://strategylab.ca)

(or a lot) because, as I said earlier, it WILL hit the fan. Stay out of arguments, don't offer advice, don't listen to them complain about each other, don't "be there for them" by helping solve their problems or you will inevitably be the scape goat, regardless of whether they split up or work things out.

Leave it to a professional. They are big kids. They can solve their own problems. Wish them the best, and find something else to do if the subject comes up.

P.S. I've been in your shoes. So trust me when I say steer clear. No matter how clever you think you are, emotions rage in a cheating scandal. You cannot predict how it will go.