Solitude, Pain & Failed Caramel
It's Christmas Eve, and I...am alone in my tiny home.
I've done my best to embrace that fact, ensuring I had all the requisite ingredients to make special treats for an 'orphans' dinner tomorrow night.
Partway through the process I was in rather good spirits. I was listening to a podcast as I melted cocoa butter, choosing not to feel the sting of loneliness so prevalent on night's like this; when most people are gathering with family and loved ones.
I'd had a pretty bad headache all day, but had muscled through, making every attempt not to let it effect my mood. Then – for reasons I cannot identify – that thing that has been happening a few times a month now...it happened.
I found myself walking desperate circles around my modest space, tears streaming down my cheeks as I clutched at the spot between my shoulders – the very spot that marks the top of my fusion – where the top of the hardware firmly grips my spine. Every breath sent me further into panic as all surrounding muscles contracted into brutal spasm.
I caught sight of myself in the mirror, finding it both pathetic and fortuitous that no-one was here to witness me in such agony. I paced for a few more minutes, then returned to stirring my chocolate, making sure my tears didn't spill into the mixture.
Eventually, I opened a bottle of wine, originally intended for tomorrow. The 1400 mg of Ibuprofen I'd swallowed wasn't helping, so I poured myself a glass. I'm not ashamed – it took the edge off, just enough that I could finish what I'd started.
And yet, here I am...still painfully breathing through gripping pain – still crying from exhaustion. A task that should've taken me an hour or two took more like five. My productivity is so greatly reduced when I'm in this much pain. And, as fate would have it – the final step; the caramel, meant for the top of these vegan, almond butter cups, just didn't work out and...I didn't quite have enough.
As much as some part of me considered waiting and starting over tomorrow, all I could do was make the best of what I had, in hopes that...somehow...they'll still taste delicious. I can only hope that the strain of my being whilst making them doesn't translate through the experience of biting into them.
For now, I've stowed them in the fridge to cool/harden, and I....am calling it a night.
Here's hoping all you beautiful humans had a better X-mas Eve than I.
Much love,
xo ~ Zippy
Terrible pain does not help one endure solitude, and I deeply empathize as I suffered injury to my back in the 90s, and have to deal with it.
I also spent Christmas Eve alone, and Christmas day as well.
However, if I'd wanted company, I could have invited folks, or wangled invitations to feasts. Instead I had a lettuce sandwich and enjoyed peace and quiet sans the pressures of coping with maximalist consumerism that Christmas has been adulterated by.
My sincere condolences, and my best wishes for the years to come.
It's true – pain generally makes all things more difficult to endure. However, as I said in my update post last night, pain also serves to enrich, providing invaluable contrast which only magnifies the good stuff.
While it might not always come naturally to find the gifts that pain offers, it certainly feels incredible when we do.
I hope your holidays continue to be peaceful and uncomplicated. Thanks so much for spending a few moments offering me a few words of wisdom. :)
I was thinking about you on Christmas Eve and I hoped you were doing alright. A lot of us grouped up for some pirate radio on Discord. Much love lady.
It didn't even occur to me to check Discord – I was far too preoccupied with my efforts to make it through the night. It would've been sweet to 'see' all of you. And now I know.... <3 Love ya, Clay.
Hey those look delicious after all that. I am sorry for your pain that does not sound like a good time. Sending you love <3
Thanks, @carlgnash. <3 I feel that love and sincerely appreciate it.
They actually turned out wonderfully delicious – such a huge hit that I came home with very few left to share with friends who weren't there!
The pain is still being a bitch, and the meds I'm taking to get by are seriously messing with my ability to function normally, but – I'll be alright. Though I so wish it weren't the case, I'm quite used to this. :/
Oh @zipporah! I just wish I could give you a big hug right now! my husband Brian has several fused parts in his spine so I appreciate the pain that you're going through, and I'm so sorry that you have to go through it in the first place. This time of year can be so difficult for many of us, so congratulate yourself for putting up a good fight. I hope that today is better for you.
Merry Christmas, or happy -who -cares -what -day -it -is -day!!😊
Lots of hugs and love coming your way❤️
I'm sorry to hear your husband suffers, too – I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone...not even that horrid man in the oval office.
Much gratitude for your kind words. <3 I hope you had a lovely holiday! Despite the pain, mine turned out alright. :)
Oh Zipps. That is so rough! The pain sounds absolutely brutal and the loss of productivity must be so completely frustrating.
They do look great already and I hope you're able to salvage so that people can enjoy them... but if not, I'm sure people will be okay... the important thing is that they get to hang out with the Zip!
OMG – it is frustrating beyond words. The best word for it, really, would be exhausting – across the board, I feel completely zapped of energy.
Thankfully, the treats turned out far better than I could've hoped. Watching people so enjoying them made it all feel worth it. I wish I could share one with you! ;)
However cliche – it truly is the thought that counts. And – though it got much worse before things improved – I did pull through all right. I posted an update last night. ;)
You really are the sweetest Kitty...such a blessing to know you. ;) <3 xo!
Aw, I am sorry you felt alone, still you did those amazing sweets full of love for others despite the tears. You are very strong and if tears were shed, they had to, better they find ways out so we understand them. I had a moody one for other reasons, but now that is past I am fully ahead with the new resolutions.
May your resolutions and wishes come true. Happy New Year, Zippy
Thank you, Priscilla. <3 I won't pretend it wasn't rough, but at least I can recognize my own resilience and acknowledge myself for working it out...with as much gratitude as I could muster. :)
Wishing you and Hedac and lovely New Year, as well. May you feel warm and well-loved. <3 xo!
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thank you, thank you – always so good to me, you are. <3
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