I care about what people think.

I know it’s cool to say we don’t care what others think. People say it as a kind of declaration of self confidence. Not caring means being strong and independent and focused on doing things our own way. But can’t we be strong and independent and focused and still care what others think?

When I say I care, I don’t mean that I feel any self doubt when others doubt me. I don’t mean that I’ll change the way I do things just because someone disapproves or no one understands. I don’t mean I’m going to cave in or give up. I just mean that I care.

I want to live harmoniously with others. I want to collaborate. I want to connect. I want to find a way to meet others halfway. I am not such an egoist as to say that others don’t matter. I know that being able to connect with others as my true self requires me first to BE my true self and so that still comes first. No one else can express my truth for me so I must strive to express what is true for me at all costs, while still being open to change and continuously growing.

But I still care what others think.
Recently, a bartender at a central meeting point for many people in my social circle became quite hostile when I referred to “whatever bars” while talking to another customer. I was referring to bars that have no sense of community and are merely catering to people in order to earn more money. He was deeply offended by this and gave me a lecture about how I shouldn’t use that word. I was really confused, but as I was not speaking English, my native language, I guessed that the word I used was far more sharp than I had assumed it to be and that he didn’t like me calling other people “a waste of space”.

When I messaged him to say sorry and ask about the nuance of the word I discovered that he had misheard me and thought that I was referring to that particularly bar we were at, which not only does he work at, but which is owned by someone he really respects. I told him that was not what I said. He did not believe me.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s his problem.”

Here is why I care: I initially really liked this guy and wanted to know him better. I go to that bar with the sole motive of connecting to like minded people because they are known for being a hub for underground culture in the city and I thought it’d be a good place to meet those people. It still seems like it might be but as with most people in this culture, everyone is quite slow to open up. Now I’
I’ve got this big awkward with this guy. It does not make things easier.

If he doesn’t want to forgive me for what I never said, there is not much I can do about it, I’ll leave it be. If no one I meet there is looking to be friends, ok, I’ll do with that and stop going. If I can’t make any deep connection with a like-minded community in this city, so be it, I’ll focus on my own thing. I’m strong enough to not fall into drama or change my behavior if it goes against how I feel. But I’m still sad...

I’m sad that someone who is obviously like-minded is also so overly sensitive and hurt inside from whatever he has been through that he is looking to make an enemy out of an ally. I’m sad that there is nothing I can do. I’m sad that despite everyone really believing in their own “counter” culture, they do not see how influenced they’ve been by the mainstream they disagree with. I am not offended when people look at me and just treat me like a generic foreigner either, I just feel sad.

If I had a deep connection to some people around me, I think it’d be easy to ignore, but I still do not. I am just left feeling it will be more difficult to find such a community when those who are most like-minded so easily shut you out.

I know in the end it is all up to me and what I make of the situation. I think I will retreat a bit from this push to find a community that fits me and in my free time, instead focus entirely on my personal projects and hibernate a bit until Spring arrives.

It’s a bit lonely but I was lonely when I found this platform and that turned out for the best.

arr