ICQ - I Seek You, an Emotional Journey

In the dawn of internet, I remember exploring many chat platforms in search of adventure, socialization and knowledge. I had already explored AOL with their local and interest chat rooms, Yahoo and its many news and personal channels, Geocities and chatrooms, artist and web design channels. I played with web design, taught myself HTML from online tutorials then created my own business page hosted by Geocities, which I named Just Write Letter Writing Services where I freelanced resumés and business letters.

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I interacted with all ages, nationalities and religious. The internet was teaching culture through direct contact with other people across the continent. For the first time in my isolated life, I was making contact with other people with huge differences and even more similarities to my secluded, rural upbringing.

All of this was cerebral food. For the first time in my life, I could search for and obtain knowledge, whatever my heart desired.

Sometimes, I wanted it directly from someone in that place, this hunger pulled me into personal groups and although they were helpful, the lag between question and response was frustrating for me. I've always been guilty of some impatience for answers.

Then, in 1996 Mirabelis created and released the chat client, ICQ, a play on the phrase "I Seek You."
I registered, and was off exploring. A very new world.

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Here, I'll pause to interject that online communication became my soul communication venue in my isolated state within a violent relationship in the country. I was reaching out for friendship, support and guidance. But really, I was just seeking to be heard.

My husband was controlling, as is typical of controlling men, he kept me from freely communicating with other people, including my sister. He thought she may encourage me to leave him by pointing out how poorly he was treating me.

This sets the stage to the rare state of mind that was getting introduced to a more immediate electronic communication. ICQ had the Free to Chat feature. Basically, you will be messaged by the next random user, I recall that you could select an age range. I began conversing with many cultures and asking questions I'd never thought I'd hear answers to from individuals living places I previously had only read about. Often I requested, "please look out the window and describe for me what you see right now."

Another feature that made ICQ unique was the text formatting chat which permitted both people to type consecutively and the text sent as each character was hit, creating a very immediate conversation, more close to direct communication.

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On ICQ you could better anticipate your partners mood and thought process by speed or delay of responses. This faster response time and ability to watch each other type deepened the ability to develop a friendship and a kinship. In current chat platforms, the most you can see is the "(screen name) is typing a response." We all have a tendency to type quickly in chat. Likely, we stop and correct grammar before sending. On ICQ, you saw every typo and correction. So do I want to see your every mistake? No. But what that ability to watch this process did for me is to reveal my chat partner's thought processes. I was reading between the lines as close to direct communication as I'd achieved yet, electronically.

I liken this experience to watching facial expressions during a conversation. Those cues equal the typos on ICQ. And turn around is fair play, my chat partners saw my typos.

This brings me to a screen name that became one of my first far off friends. Peter, an IT specialist from Sweden stands out with most significance.

Peter is highly educated, speaks around 6 languages and possesses a phenomenal sense of humor. We talked for hours about Sweden, Germany, where he worked and America. We two couldn't be more unlike, but his kind and thoughtful conversation bouyed my spirits and he became my long distance support system.

Through the waves, Peter let me know that someone out there saw me and respected my thoughts. (My husband read my first e-published poem and said I had a sick mind) Peter comforted me in my grief over the suicide of my mother, and death of my grandfather.

I don't believe Peter knows how deep an impact his support and kindness went. After my separation and divorce, we kept up with each other for many years and he would call from Germany (once hired on to a major automobile company) on my birthday.

These chats I kept hidden from my ex-husband. If he'd known I was talking to any man, he would remove the computer he bought for me as a peace offering to lure me back after our previous separations (one of many), at my request.

ICQ reconnected me with my only sister in Florida, who I was forbidden to speak to on the phone. We furtively exchanged messages on ICQ, reconnecting and gaining emotional support.

Eventually, my ex-husband, usually technology challenged, discovered the chats with my sister and created a tremendous argument. I threatened to leave, once more, if I wasn't permitted to speak to my sister, whose love I craved, whenever I chose. I won that victory. It became one of many small victories toward freedom from abuse and control.

ICQ lost it's popularity and eventually security and privacy issues caused me to delete the client completely. My screen name, Wandrnrose7, at the wake of mom's death in 1997, was created for that platform. The screen name has its own significance, but that's a story for another day.

Have you an internet story that you believe changed you? I'd love to read about your experience.

Until next time,
Janelle Gregory

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