It turns out that I don’t have the positivity I thought I have.
I slowly found myself discovering my true self, I don’t have the positivity, and in fact, the process is quite cruel.
I thought I was quite good at self-discipline, able to insist on one thing more than 21 days and a long time, until now still persisting, but after this, as if there is nothing I learned. It's just a kind of self-satisfaction feeling.
I thought I am good at studying, will go to the library and stay until the library is closed, feels like I learned a lot, but after this, what I get from the results as if there is nothing. There is just a sense of satisfaction that I have satisfied myself.
I thought I was quite cheerful and outgoing people, there are people around me think I am friendly, we can be very close, but after this, I thought I will get some sort of happiness but there is nothing. I'll still like the time when I’m alone.
I thought I was quite confident, dare to take the initiative to speak on stage, as long as there is a chance, whether it is recommended by classmates or teachers, I never want to push off. After a few times of practicing, I thought I was very good, but after this, I really changed, I always have a new example, want to learn this, want to learn that. But when I really stepped into that field, I found that it was not as simple as I thought, and then look at the people around me.
In fact, I am not so good, don’t have the positivity. In fact, when I’m alone, I am depressed, sometimes I really just want a simple hug. I hope someone can tell me, "You don't have to do this, I will accompany you and we can work together, you don't have to put everything on yourself.” Maybe someone did say it, but what about now?
Along the road, I have not believed anything in “forever”, I do not believe "I will accompany you till the end of the road"; I do not believe "I will be responsible for you". The road of life is clearly yours, no matter how others what to help you is useless, you will not know how I feel if you never go through it before. Don't lie to others, don't lie to yourself. You're just one person.
It's quite ironic, but that's the truth. There are a lot of things in a day, but we don't always do them until the last minute. In fact, you do or don’t, no one will control you, your things you want to do or not, no one will care you. Now you fully feel the freedom, how's it going for you?
Sometimes, I put too much pressure on myself, but now I almost have a feeling like not able to breathe, do not want to do anything, just want to relax. Then I suddenly found that there is no one I can ask to accompany me regardless of other things. It’s not like I don’t have friends, but because everyone is still at the beginning of the stage of working hard, no one will want to think of playing or relaxing.
During my college time, my brother said: “There is nothing much in your current stage, why do you put so many things onto yourself?” In fact, many people in the world are the same, some are even more than me. Compare to them, I am nothing, but I'm also very tired.
I’m really tired, the fact that I can’t see the desired result is even more uncomfortable. Is it because my effort is not enough or is there some else went wrong?
I'm willing to put everything else away first, but it's still no use.
Do I really want to push myself so hard, but I don’t want to waste this life, even if there are no great results, I also want to have small achievements.
Yes, I still can't stop the pace of progress, even if I’m lost now, it will be better forward. I'm going to get better, aren't I? This process is all needed.
“Tomorrow will be better”, I would like to believe in this.
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