RE: A personal perspective on parent-child conflict resolution
I really enjoyed reading this!
Not a parent myself, but I'm a special ed and Montessori preschool teacher, by vocation. So I do have experience calming down upset children.
Just like you, I found it comes down to trust. When a child trusts me that I have good intentions, that I'm always talking to them about their behaviour but never criticising them as a person, and consequently that they can always come to me for snuggle, a hug, consolation, a question, and to share anything that's important for them to share with an adult, then that same child was more open to listen, even when upset.
I agree with you also, not witnessing the same issuess repeating over and over is a very good sign that you are raising your chidren the right way, instead of creating a power struggle between you.
I'm glad you liked it. :)
Hmm. I wasn't thinking of trust when I wrote it, but you raise a very interesting point. That was actually at issue in my discussion with my elder child about the computer. She didn't like that I had changed the password on her and wanted it back the way it was.
I also like your point about behavior vs character. Parents often use shame to manage behavior, and that is usually shame that the parent has carried since childhood. When a parent says a child is bad, that is shame on the part of the parent, not the kid. So I only talk about the behavior and impact on others. Then I start working on ways to curb that behavior with my kids by giving them something else to do. I may even collaborate with them to find some other way to respond to the same situation.
It is this collaboration that prevents the issue from recurring. Kids want to do well, and if I help them build the tools they need to do better, they do better. Notice that I'm not giving them the tools or answers, I'm building the solutions they need with them.
And I speak of cognitive tools, a way of thinking that tends to better outcomes, so that they can solve problems themselves their own way, without me when I'm not around. I want them to have repeatable solutions that they know they can use when the same situation comes up again. I'm turning power struggles into opportunities for collaboration.