A personal perspective on parent-child conflict resolution
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Setting the stage
I'm a family man. I have a great wife and two adorable kids, and we live in a nice little house in Utah. We're kind of middle class and life is good.
My kids are now 5 and 3 years old and they're grasping language in ways that begin to allow the nuances of conversation to come into play. They are both learning to read, and they can spot their names in my writing when I type them. They are beginning to understand the joy of spoken humor, and I humorous with them more often.
One of the most interesting aspects of being parent for me is applying what I'm learning from what I've read about parenting to parenting. One of the books that I've applied the most to my work as a parent is, Raising Human Beings by Dr. Ross W. Greene, PhD, a child psychologist with more than 38 years of experience working with kids. To give you a sense of what I've learned, here's a tidbit from their website:
We have some ideas. Ideas about how behaviorally challenging kids should be understood and about how to treat them in ways that are more compassionate and effective. Ideas about treating all kids in ways that are non-punitive, non-adversarial, and collaborative, and that teach them skills on the better side of human nature. And ideas about how to advocate to change things for the better. (emphasis mine)
I was raised by parents that were at times punitive and confrontational, and there were times when I feared one of them. As a result of reading Dr. Greene's books and putting what I've learned into practice, I've become particularly adept at handling upsets with my kids. I'd like to share with you some of my experience.
An argument in the back seat
It's a Saturday and my wife Alice is in training, so I have the kids for the day. I took the kids out with me while running errands and to get out of the house. My two kids started having an argument in the back seat. The older one, Emily, upset with her sister, kept saying, "No!" to anything and everything that we said to her.
I started asking her questions to calmly probe for the source of the problem, and she kept saying, "No!". So I said "No!", but in a sort of friendly way, changing my voice to to let her know that I wanted to laugh with her a bit and break the tension. I changed my voice to make it sound a little silly, and I could see in the mirror, she was starting to smirk.
We came to a stoplight. Half smiling, I turned around and pointed to her, "Don't make me smile!", I said loudly and in a way to let her know that I was speaking in jest. She cracked up. So did her sister. Whatever they were angry at, was forgotten. Here, I was able to use humor to defuse a situation in the car so that I can continue driving without drama.
Drama with the computer
The kids are now becoming familiar with electronics and they see their parents (us!) using them every day - so they want to learn how to use them, too. You know, kids see whatever parents do as life skills - from smoking, to drinking to painting to housecleaning - to them, everything we do looks like something they need to do to survive.
As they become familiar with computers, tablets and phones, I'm finding ways to demonstrate the value of face time and compare that to screen time. I'm also finding ways to limit screen time without confrontation.
But sometimes, confrontation cannot be avoided.
To help my kids learn computers and learn reading, writing and arithmetic, we set them up with a Chromebook and signed them up for a great online learning program. We also allow them to play with a tablet to play games and watch videos. PBS offers some great videos and games for kids.
After letting the kids know that their time was up, they did not set the tablet down and give it a rest. So I used a program to remotely lock the tablet.
The younger kid Natalie, stayed with me, while Emily went downstairs to the Linux computer that I had for my personal use. In recognition of her growing abilities, I had created an account for her and provided her with the password, which she remembered. I found her down there, watching videos on YouTube, something she figured out for herself.
There are two types of videos that they really like: cartoon facsimiles with action figures from the cartoon and endless unwrapping videos of toys and doodads. The problem I have with these videos is that they don't teach much of anything. Nothing about human interaction, no reading, no math. They're really materialistic and that's where I have a problem. So I'm working on ways to weed them out or prohibit them altogether.
But there she was, watching a video that was an hour long and it was just starting and she wanted to watch it to the end. I wasn't going to have that with her. Not when there were better things we could do together outside. I'm just not going to let a 5 year old girl sit there by herself for so long. It's not healthy.
So I managed to get on the computer to "fix something", and I changed the password and locked the computer so that we could start a discussion. She cried. She yelled. She grabbed the mouse and slammed it on my desk. Sigh. I feel for the mouse, and I let her know that's my mouse. "My computer!" she kept repeating in response to anything I said. She started swinging the mouse around by the cable. Eventually, she inadvertently disconnected the mouse from the computer.
There are many parents who would at this point, just spank her and send her to her room. But that is how you build a totalitarian nation. That is how you stamp out dissent. That is how you send the soul into hiding. I know this because that is what I did when I was spanked and sent to my room.
There is always time for diplomacy with kids
So I talked with her while she carried on. I knew that time was on my side. I understand something about the brain, that most people do not. The brain makes endorphins. Endorphins give us the feelings we have, the runners high being a familiar example. But the brain only makes a particular endorphin for so long and then it stops.
I also know that being angry requires an enormous amount of energy, especially for small kids. Kids can't store the kind of energy that adults can. Kids burn through energy in ways that adults can't.
I know that by talking with her, she will grow tired of being angry. But I also know that talking with her requires her to engage logic while listening to me. Talking with her is an invitation for her to figure out how to soothe herself so that she can focus on what I'm saying and formulate a response.
This is why diplomacy works. If we take the time to talk, eventually, the feelings pass and we can have a discussion.
I was able to eventually get her to admit that she wanted to watch the videos, and that she didn't want us to leave her while she was watching the videos. She didn't want to be alone. Oh, so people are more important than computers?
Then I figured out how to get her to crack with humor. With good timing, humor works well. She tried to hide her smile with her hands, but it was too late.
Then she hopped off the chair at the desk, and ran to me for a hug. All of this happened while her sister Natalie was watching. We continued our dialogue. We agreed that I would leave the password as is, and that we would work together to set limits on time for viewing on the computer. I think she wanted to be able to show me that she can follow the limits herself, without my intervention. We'll see.
Kids need reassurance that they will be heard
Throughout our exchange, I assured her that there was no pressure, no threat of punishment. I was just biding my time and using every resource at my disposal to help her settle herself down.
I have done this over and over again with my kids. I can talk my kids down from any crisis to a point of resolution. I don't get angry when my kids get angry. Their anger doesn't hurt me. There is no need for reprisal. There is only a need for diplomacy.
This is the reassurance they need to know they will be heard. This is the reassurance they need to know that if they have a problem to solve, I will help them solve it. I won't solve the problem for them, I will help them to solve it so that they know what to do when the problem recurs. We will come up with a solution that they can do, that they can repeat over again again if the problem arises again.
When my kids are defiant, angry, upset, I'm all about de-escalation. There are some people that I have known who would just issue a smack in the pants and send them to their rooms crying. This works until the kids find their own power as teenagers. This works if you're training animals. I'm raising human beings.
Think again about the parent who refuses to de-escalate in a power struggle. Seems to work great until the child is big enough to run away. When a child is spanked (or not) and sent to his room, the message is, "go away". Running away is that message in adolescent life.
So I always de-escalate and I am always working on new methods of diplomacy. The door is always open. They can talk to me about anything anytime. No pressure, no worries. Let's get busy solving problems together.
I also tell my kids that no matter what, they can always ask for a hug. There are no exceptions. Hugs are universal, they are free, and they provide a huge dose of oxytocin to relax those who embrace.
The next time Emily was playing on the computer and I asked her to stop due to the time limit, she was totally OK with it and was ready to make a transition to another activity.
Collaboration is civilization
I have also had people tell me that this takes too much time and effort. Well, that depends on your perspective. What I've noticed with what I practice is that I don't work through the same problems over and over again. I also don't have drama on the same issues, over and over again. So by taking the time now to work on new problems as they arise, with diplomacy, I only have to teach once, maybe twice how to solve it.
It is totally worth the time to me. I'm being the dad I wanted to have when I was a kid. I'm teaching my kids the skills they need to be civilized. By collaborating with my kids, I'm teaching them how to collaborate, the foundation skill for all of humanity. Collaboration is the skill that defines civilization.
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I really enjoyed reading this!
Not a parent myself, but I'm a special ed and Montessori preschool teacher, by vocation. So I do have experience calming down upset children.
Just like you, I found it comes down to trust. When a child trusts me that I have good intentions, that I'm always talking to them about their behaviour but never criticising them as a person, and consequently that they can always come to me for snuggle, a hug, consolation, a question, and to share anything that's important for them to share with an adult, then that same child was more open to listen, even when upset.
I agree with you also, not witnessing the same issuess repeating over and over is a very good sign that you are raising your chidren the right way, instead of creating a power struggle between you.
I'm glad you liked it. :)
Hmm. I wasn't thinking of trust when I wrote it, but you raise a very interesting point. That was actually at issue in my discussion with my elder child about the computer. She didn't like that I had changed the password on her and wanted it back the way it was.
I also like your point about behavior vs character. Parents often use shame to manage behavior, and that is usually shame that the parent has carried since childhood. When a parent says a child is bad, that is shame on the part of the parent, not the kid. So I only talk about the behavior and impact on others. Then I start working on ways to curb that behavior with my kids by giving them something else to do. I may even collaborate with them to find some other way to respond to the same situation.
It is this collaboration that prevents the issue from recurring. Kids want to do well, and if I help them build the tools they need to do better, they do better. Notice that I'm not giving them the tools or answers, I'm building the solutions they need with them.
And I speak of cognitive tools, a way of thinking that tends to better outcomes, so that they can solve problems themselves their own way, without me when I'm not around. I want them to have repeatable solutions that they know they can use when the same situation comes up again. I'm turning power struggles into opportunities for collaboration.
This is great :) I'm not a parent yet but this is informative. My parents sometimes don't know how to handle us but we try to understand each other in the family. I think that's what keeping us together, we understand each other.
Always keep the channels of communication open. That is rule #1. Once you stop talking, it's hard to start again.
I'm glad you liked it, too.
Parentinf sure is hard... and scary... and I guess fun, too.
Wonderful piece on parenting.
Your experience from your parents is just the opposite of what you are doing with your kids.
Times have changed and so ideas and systems to the desired results.
Keep it up.
Thanks. I really wanted to stop the cycle and alter the course of my family. And I'm not the only one. I have 3 siblings who made similar changes, but they didn't read what I read. Somehow, they just worked it out.
Hi. Nice post.Its true. Todos deberíamos ver a los niños desde tu perspectiva. God blesses you.