The Softening Feminine...A Powerful Force That Can Heal the World (Part 2)

In me all life is one: There is no separation and no demarcation of other. The nuances of vision may vary as may our individual perceptions, as every leaf has a different view of the same picture. But every leaf relies on the same sap to give it life and is nowhere separated. But in each leaf is its own exaltation."
-Lakota teaching from Kimberly Glaser

I often hear people saying that they "give too much"...or that they are "done giving!" A client recently said to me that they have given "all that they have...and there is nothing left!" She was told by a "spiritual teacher" to set boundaries and to give to only those deserving of her love. Really? Is this what we have come to? How do we get from the place of feeling depleted by "giving too much" to a place of being devoted to service for the well-being and highest good of all?

Well, let's say, for me at least...it took going deep with my roots...creating a foundation of stability. I find that those who cling to boundaries and place limits on their giving, have not established their roots, lack grounding, and are at a very sensitive time in their lives. They are often very afraid and distrustful. And that's wonderful place to be, because it is the opportunity to send out deeper roots, as you give yourself the spaciousness to tune into you. Those healthy boundaries are just the beginning of what will become your deep roots of inner nourishment, so that you will one day be able to return that nourishment to others...without the need for boundaries.

Believe me...I have drawn many lines in my life...out of fear and distrust. And I have felt exhausted from giving too much. But after two divorces and many bridges burned in my life, I realized that I had to be the one to change the pattern of blame and separation. If anything, for my children and future generations.

The quote above came to me one day after reflecting on something Matt Kahn said in his book, "Whatever Arises...Love that" (which I highly recommend for those aspiring to soften more). I asked myself..."Why am I so dependent, almost addicted to setting boundaries?" The answer came very strongly..."Because I am still willing to fight". It was still in my programming to REACT out of fear and judgement...and this was what was keeping me from surrendering to love. What was I afraid to lose? I was afraid to be left alone, I was afraid to be abandoned. I was afraid of that feeling I felt when women (and men) in my early stages of life withheld their love, banished me, and drew lines in the sand.

The most important steps I took to soften my heart...and rewrite this reactive, fear-based programming.

The first step was to take responsibility ...for my the quality of my experience in every aspect of my life, whether perceived as good or bad. Every time I started to blame others...I took the opportunity to love that part of me that needed to blame and be the victim. Then I replaced those thoughts with FULL acceptance of my contribution to every upset I had. This allowed me to reclaim my power...I was the only missing link between myself and my birthright to health and happiness.

With responsibility came so much freedom...the freedom to choose how I wanted my story to unfold. As I opened myself up to being the first person to put my weapons down, and say "I'm sorry"...I witnessed first hand, the power I held to soften the hardest of hearts...in my family, friends and patients.

The next step was to forgive. Not necessarily to forgive others, but to forgive myself. I was trained to point fingers, harden my heart, and to not trust love. I can love that innocent part of me now with compassion just having the awareness of the circumstances.

Not to dwell on them, but to recognize that I survived it. WE ALL survived it. And it may have been exactly what we needed in this lifetime in order to become the "Way-showers" for future generations. I can recognize the abuse and talk about it all day...but the important thing is that it is over. So source of abuse was what was happening within my own heart.

The next in line for forgiveness was me...for being the abuser of myself. This internal judgement lays the foundation for our outer relationships. This subconscious micromanaging, self-abuse, and self-domination IS the "dark entity" and the unintegrated parts of us that we are constantly pushing away. It is only coming up for love and acceptance. When we finally give those parts of us, what they need...unconditional LOVE...we are able to integrate and become more whole.

This video by Matt Kahn lays out very clearly what needs to be done to bring light to the darkness that we so deeply fear.

This process allowed me to realize that the way others treated me, only showed me how they subconsciously treated their own hearts. The "abuse" was never about me. This allowed me to forgive everyone in my life who ever spoke harshly about me or towards me. And to have compassion for their internal suffering.

The last step was to create inner value and self-worth

To be honest, I had no idea how to do this. Especially in the heat of the moment, during a heated argument or personal let-down. I finally learned that the first step was to break the spell by finding my breath. This allowed me to explore my feelings, send my roots out to probe into the darkest places, and permeate those fragmented parts of me with a feeling of compassion and safety...HOME!!! And when I feel safe...my worthiness just flows through. And when my worthiness flows through...it nourishes my deepest roots.

In those moments when I felt the most fear, shame, jealousy or guilt...I took the time to say to my broken heart, those phrases that I always wanted to hear from my own mother. Here is another blog post I wrote on "How to Mend Your Own Broken Heart" which contains a list of those phrases. This practice actually built my self-worth from the ground up, from the inside out. I finally knew what it felt like to be loved...unconditionally. And this kind of love is now what I can finally share, authentically, with my Earth family.

So here I AM now, more present, more focused in my deepest purpose, more grounded. I no longer need to set boundaries. But I still find myself occasionally wanting to out of habit. Now that my roots are stronger, I feel aching within me to serve my Earth family...everyday. It doesn't tire me to serve even those who are not perceived as deserving. I see that they actually deserve more love...not less. And my motto is "lean in, soften, receive, and be present." I'm still working on not reacting and loving my heart. But I'm loving every step of the way.

I can now see every upset and an opportunity to soften and open hearts through the power of my own humility, compassion, worthiness and self-love. I can now become that Mother Tree...the original home-maker...THE ONE I have dreamt of becoming. My roots are becoming...far reaching, boundless, and blind to race, color, creed, status, appearance, and labels. And the home I have made within me is always with me...providing stability and safety within.

Painting by Tamara Phillips

The path of the Mother Tree or the grounded feminine is not for everyone. But we always need her in the grand scheme of a life of interdependence and inter-connectedness. And we all can learn to carry that sense of home with us wherever we go. For many of us...who feel abandoned and alone...this is our chance...our initiation into wholeness. Self-mastery is finding that inner home and sinking deeply into personal responsibility of our current experience, sinking into the safety of our own embrace... so that we can finally breathe a sigh of relief...HOME...!!!!

Are you an awakening, Mother Tree??? Are you called to soften your heart to change these ancient, outdated patterns?

I'd love to hear from you 👂🏽

Aloha nui loa!

Pachee