Remember me, she whispers while she runs her hand through my chest only seconds before we say goodbye.

I’ve only known her for a month, but in that month we’ve spent almost every night together and the occasional weekend.

That was no way to have a relationship. I was a workaholic. I didn’t deserve her.

But I really liked her, I loved that she was independent, I loved that she was OK with me working those hours.

What a selfish asshole I was.

When I first met her she kind of reminded me of Michelle Pfeiffer in the movie Dangerous Minds. Brave, beautiful and caring at the same time.

But above all, she was amazing.

But here’s the insane part about the whole thing:

None of us said a word about meeting each other again. No plans about future visits, not even a lousy ‘I hope to see you again’.

Remember me, that’s all we had.

“When can we see each other again?” So simple, yet I didn’t say it. Maybe I was scared.

If you asked me back then I would’ve probably tried to rationalize it and told you that we only knew each other for a month, or that long term relationships don’t hold the test of time, or whatever bullshit rationalization a self-lying asshole like myself could come up.

Deep down, I think that back then neither of us believed we deserved to be happy.

The problem is, that I didn’t want to remember her.

That wasn’t enough, I wanted more, I wanted to really know her. I wanted to spend more time with her, a hell lot more time.

This can’t be the end!

So I called her.

Even now I can still remember her voice, I remember that call. I think we were both so happy. Probably because it was so unexpected.

She bought a ticket the next day.

(Note to self: Next time, just pick up the damn phone!)

During the course of our relationship nothing had changed.

I continued to work too much, way too much, and that a hell lot more time I wanted to spend it with her, I just spent it working as usual.

But she never seemed to complain, as far I can remember.

Well, actually I remember one time after a few glasses of wine when she said:

“You don’t need to open another business. You don’t need this.”

She was right.

What she didn’t know back then is that I was running from something.

What I didn’t know back then is that I was running from myself.

But I didn’t listen to her. I never listened.

I didn’t pay attention to her, and that’s the absolute sin.

I foolishly believed that if I kept doing all these little romantic things, and come up with all these small surprises, then that’s going to make up for my constant absence.

I’ve never been so wrong in my entire life.

A few months later, she left. I think a part of me left with her. She took a leather bracelet that was very special to me. She said that she’s taking it so she can remember me.

And then she left. I never saw her again.

I’ll never forget what we had.

She deserved better than me.

The Ghost is Screwing Around with the Machine

Sometimes the only thing standing between you and what you want is you. So not only I was running from myself, but I was lying to myself.

They say that good liars invent something that seems credible, but that great liars come up with a massive lie to distract from the real lie.

Suppose you found your dream job, or your vocation, something that you truly love…

Then in that case, your co-pilot wouldn’t hesitate a damn second to give you all kinds of fear-based excuses of why you would fail and why you should “postpone”.

I don’t have the money, I don’t have the time, I don’t have a six pack and a perfect tan…

Whatever insecurity you may have, he will exploit it.

But I saw past that bullshit, what I didn’t realize back then is that my co-pilot was equally as smart. After all, it was the evil me.

So instead of providing me with those small fears, he knew I was gonna see past the deception. So what he does is to give me other great things to get hooked by and distract me from what I really want.

You see, during all the time we were together, I had stronger feelings for another girl.

So instead of fighting for her, I kissed my lucky stars that I found a different amazing girl soon after she left.

The problem is, that didn’t help anyone. Because after all, if there is someone you can’t lie to is yourself.

So yes, she deserved better, because my heart wasn’t fully there and I was an asshole that didn’t pay attention.

And then there was the other girl.

The girl I was dating before her, the girl I should’ve gone after, the girl who’s now married and adopted a little girl.

It’s too late now.

I hope she remembers me.

If there is anything to take from this is that you should never settle, you should never give up. Don’t make my mistake.

If she’s worth it, it is probably going to be hard. As comedian Bill Hicks once said:

“When you love them, they don’t love you back. When they love you, you don’t love them back. When you love each other, it doesn’t work out.

So I came to the conclusion, God is fucking with us.”

Except…

It Wasn’t God, It Was Me.

The other part of me anyways.

Whenever you find something you really love, there is a part of you that’s gonna come in the way and try to stop you from achieving it.

When that’s happens, I want you to remember:

Remember what you loved when you were a kid:

More importantly:

Remember what makes you forget to eat and sleep.

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