Adventures in Peaceful Anarchoparenting, Volume 2
To call oneself an anarchist is to own the fact that authoritarian behavior is counterproductive and a detriment to a peaceful society. The definition of anarchy means simply to be without a ruler or authority, so as an anarchist, you abandon the need to be compelled or forced to obey another, but rather have mutually agreeable contracts with others without the use of force and coercion. While we often focus on why we shouldn't use force against children, it is less spoken of how to raise them without spanking and other methods of corporal punishment. I've examined personally different techniques in my own and will review my take on each from a philosophical perspective.
TIME OUT
When my daughter was young, I was a new parent and didn't know how to guide my daughter away from bad behavior. Since I didn't want to spank, I started using the only other method I was introduced to: Time Out. This to me seemed like a short term grounding that would allow both sides to reset and renegotiate. So would being prison warden in my own home not work as "fantastic" of the criminal justice system we have as adults? Not even as much.
When I gave my daughter a timeout, it did give us time to cool down, but often after the time-out, I made the fatal mistake of believing that the timeout itself was enough. No. This didn't correct her behavior and she began to treat it as a reason to get a break from correction, rather than an introduction to discussion. Children have an attention span that an "in the moment" opportunity for education must be taken advantage of, or the essence of the bad behavior or the cause may be lost, and their attention focused elsewhere. Studies show that children who are temporarily incarcerated by their parents show increased aggression, anger, retaliation and further creates that wedge that I mentioned as harmful in volume 1 of this series. A great resource to learn about why timeouts don't work can be found here. I did away with time out as a method, as it appeared to be neglectful and avoiding the issue, which I didn't want to make a habit of.
ESCALATED SPEECH
I will admit, I am not perfect. Sometimes my lil one will just be very persistent for my attention when I am doing something that requires my full attention, such as driving, talking on the telephone and other activities where she cannot have my full attention. Parents, as long as they are cognizant of the fact that yelling is harmful in their child's development can minimize the times that this occurs, and the child will learn courtesy. Isn't it a wonder why parents who yell miraculously also end up with children who have less manners?
My child when she was younger would see me "lose it" during a circumstance where I would raise my voice out of frustration. My inability to blame myself but pass the buck onto "aahhh, damn kids" would have truly ruined my parental experience. Every time I failed to correct myself, and even apologize to her for yelling, I would have been teaching her that she has control over my emotions, and I can be played as a puppet rather than treated as a human. A great article regarding redirection and the ineffectiveness of yelling can be found here.
BRIBERY, SPOILING AND COALESCING
Everyone has seen the horror videos of either Nanny 911 or some other stupid and misguided "reality television show where the parent is the victim to a bad behaving child, right? Is the child really wrong, or was this behavior encouraged by training your own child to be your bully? The lack of authority in parenting isn't the problem, but the lack of the parent's ability to at least show their child they are an equal and not to be walked on is the real issue. I found a good support article on how not to spoil your kids here which should guide a conversation about money and toys to teach lessons to avoid the situation below:
When my little one and I went to the grocery store when she was very young, but observant enough to begin her question phase, we witnessed an incident. There was a little girl about 6 (2 yrs older than my daughter at the time) who was yelling at her mom because she wanted a toy. The girl began flailing her arms and eventually laid on the ground and threw a baby tantrum. Man, was that embarrassing for that mom. Then came the question... "Daddy, what would you do if I did that?". Thinking carefully, I told her "Well, that'd be unfortunate, Cheyenne, because if you did that, you would be telling me that you aren't responsible enough to go shopping with daddy. I am very grateful that you don't do that, because I love shopping with you." She looked at me and smiled.
I didn't lie to her one bit, and came out smelling like a rose. Every now and then, we will use the girl at the store that fell to the ground as an example of what not to do, and after a few times, we joke about how silly it'd be for her to behave that way. We bonded, learned and also considered deferred gratification for things she wants, which will be the highlight of the next volume.
Until then, love your children, teach them, and create a bond with no wedges between you! :)
I love it
Thanks, man. I figure if I am going to spend my time making a few pennies, it might as well convince people how bad it is to spank, abuse and neglect raising children. My kid's working on a story right now. lol
Much of this is exactly how my mother did things, and she did not have so much problems with us... Well, then we became teenagers but that's something that we do to define ourselves. My mother and both me and my sister are still all great friends.
The things that I'm weak on however, is what my mother was not able to teach me, things that my father made himself unavailable for by his terrible behaviour, and for which he would never have been able to teach me. Motivation, self discipline, this sort of thing. But I've gradually learned these things. This is a subject area of parenting that I am particularly interested in understanding, since, maybe fortunately, I have not yet found myself in the situation of being a parent, and I want to do a good job.
Agreed, brother. I just find it amazing that before I became a father, I read more articles on economics than I did at something much more important, parenting. That has changed, and made a great deal of difference.
Another great anarchoparenting/peaceful parenting article.
I like using the time in technique. We get to calm down together and discuss what lead up to the altercation. Instead of teaching my child that if they upset me, I will isolate them from me, I remind her that I love her and it is the behavior or action that angered or upset me, then I do a self assessment to see if my behavior was at fault, and open things up for discussion. I always offer hugs and snuggles as we discuss what happened and how we can modify our behavior to have a better understanding of each other in the future.
As for tantrums, a lot of parents do not realize that they actually throw tantrums themselves and that their children will also pick up on that behavior. Children love to universalize everything.
My child has never had a tantrum as you have described. We always have a pre-outing talk and, if needed, negotiation. I always look for a win-win. There have been times when I have noticed her becoming frustrated, so we will sit down and see what we can do before it turns into a tantrum. I also have to remember that she is much smaller than I am and for every step I take she is taking two (or three, when she was smaller). If I am getting tired, she is probably close to exhausted. I know I can get a little cranky when I get tired and she is just as human as me.
I also try to keep her involved with what I am doing while shopping, asking her advice and including her in the decision making. I also use it as a learning experience: How to budget, get the best value, practice her mathematics, how sales tax can effect how much we can buy, etc. It makes things a lot of fun for both of us.
I don't know if you are going to touch on this in a later article, but I also sit down with my child periodically and have a parental job review. Since being someone's child is one of the most involuntary relationships you will ever be in, I like to check to see if she did have a choice, would she have chosen me and what I can do to improve her childhood experience with me.
Again, keep up the good work.
That is awesome that you brought up the parental job review! We informally do those regularly. I thought to myself "What kind of moral high ground must I imagine myself on that I am beyond critique?". That kind of led to it, and it is a part of what we do. Probably explains why she is never frustrated with me for long, and hardly ever. Not because I am perfect, but because she knows that I know I am not.