The fear to be: Love them or hate them.
The scream ripped through the fog of delusion and delivered reality in all its terrible glory. Very little scares me. Very few things fill my mind and heart with dread, except this point. And every moment since.
That sound that drove a stake through my soul and created a wound of which will remain open forever, would never heal, never scab over and scar, it would be raw always. A tearing of illusion that took away all I was and replaced it in an instant with somebody I did not know, someone I cannot trust.
All that I had been violently snatched from me, a life stolen in the blink of an eye by something that did not know what it was doing. Or did it? Life's longing for itself, manipulating to infect my mind, infect my heart, force me into caring for something I was yet to understand. Force me into being something I did not understand or know if I could be. Some say it is difficult to change, I beg to differ. It just takes the right environment and a catalyst to ignite destruction.
Dropped into a world where I am not me and I do not know where I am but must act as a foreigner without knowledge, no guide, no pathway to follow. Alone in a land where every corner brings new pains, every face gets filled with potential horror and threat.
I put my finger into the open would and press, feel the pain wash over me and absorb all I can. Since that point, I have spent my time learning working, pushing, developing and trying to work out just who this is that has replaced who I was. For I must know him to protect her, and I fear I am failing. Always failing.
Fear drives objective sanity over the brink and cascading into a void of monsters and demons, the ones that live inside awaiting thebreaking of their bonds, their chance to escape and run rampant. I must tie them down, I must bind them, I must not let them gain access. Force them into submission. Kill them.
That scream delivered responsibility, a promise to do all I can, bear all I can. A binding contract to place the body of whoever now occupies me in the way of harm and be punished and tortured daily if that is what it takes. I have learned I can do a lot, carry a lot, absorb it all.
What I must learn is that her life is her own, her mind, body and spirit is hers to use as she chooses, I have no jurisdiction there. I am a guide, a support, a shoulder but at some point, no matter what I do or how much I try, she will be on her own and I can do no more. From the moment her voice first rang and for every one since, I will live with the fear that I have not done enough.
And that scares me.
Taraz
[ a Steemit original ]
This has been written for the final of the Halloween competition: Love them or hate them, run by @erodedthoughts. There have been some great entries and I suggest scrolling through his feed to see creativity at work.
I felt this one as I had to wait for swelling tears to subside twice while reading it but no truer words have been spoken from parent to parent. I know I have you beat 10 to 1 but I have 6 boys to help curve some of the fear I hold. I feel for you having just one as I am afraid I can never do enough but I have hope that the small army will help each other in life's battles where dad is unable to venture.
I am going through all of this again as you know with only 23 days left until we once again hold new life in our arms. It's 99.9% the same with every one and it's been a long time since I felt the fear of just one. I applaud any parent that understands this as early as you have and I hope that one day you are able to add to that fear yourself as there is nothing more rewarding in life than to feel that fear and watch them grow as only a father can.
Thank you for stepping out of the realm of fiction that you are so good at and comfortable in and taking the time to put your hearts true fears into words.
Knowing the little I do about you I know that you will do a fantastic job when the next in the line arrives too. I wish all the best when the moment arrives.
I cannot upvote this enough, this is so immensely, incredibly beautiful. It's everything I would've wanted to hear from my own father. I don't know what parenthood is like, yet, so I can't speak out of knowledge. I have no idea what it feels like, but through your wonderful words, I can imagine a small fragment of it.
So beautiful. Thank you, sir, for this wonderful read. I enjoyed it beyond words and I wish you all the luck in that competition ;)
Thank you for stopping by again and you are most welcome. I think parenting for everyone is a unique experience and it is therefore hard to compare the style of one to another as we all have our individual strengths and weaknesses. If you do ever have the opportunity to have a child, the way you negotiate it is your responsibility to take or to leave.
Thanks for the wish, I am not in to win but to be a part of the 'fun and horror' of it. :)
Oh, I would love to have a child (I love kids) and I really hope I do. What do you mean by 'the way you negotiate it'?
The way you approach it, how you decide to be a parent. Some people use the patterns they have learned from their own pasts, some try to do different, some try to help their child, some try to sort themselves out so as not to influence their child. The negotiation is with yourself to work out what you will choose to do.
Ah, now I understand, thank you. Indeed, I imagine the negotiation is hard, a constant challenge. I will try to be the best parent I can be, I just hope that's enough...
Becoming a parent is a life changing experience and, indeed, you'll never be the same. It's the moment your own personal life takes second place and your primary reason to exist is to protect and nurture your child. (I have a grudge against the mothers whining they don't have time for themselves anymore...)
Somehow I feel that some of the fears you express come from the fact that your girl is so little and these are scary times. Basically, you're tested every minute - trying to understand the baby's needs, you know you cannot allow yourself to make any mistake because that fragile life depends entirely on her parents. But, it gets better as the kid grows up and starts to do things for herself. Those deep-rooted fears for her well-being never go away, but there are also many many fun carefree moments. There's more balance, if you want.
In some ways I welcome things getting easier (sleep and allergies) but I hope it doesn't get too easy, I want her to continually push me to be a better version of myself.
Favorite shot. Easily.