Whitney had it right all along...

"Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all..."

It's also the hardest lesson to learn. Especially when you are fighting a lifetime of self-doubt and depression.
If you have been following me for awhile, then this is something that you already know, but if you are just joining us, I've spent the better part of my 44 years on this planet taking care of everyone except me.
From the age of 9, I was put in the position of taking care of my grandmother who had become permanently disabled. With the exception of a couple of tumultuous years, I'd rather not talk about right now, this continued well into my twenties, and grew to include my great-grandmother until she passed away when I was 18, and my grandfather when he became sick later in life with emphysema and heart problems. There were no other family members around.
By the time we lost them(within 8 months of each other) I was already married to my wonderful hubby awaiting the birth of our second child. So there was never a time that I was not focused on what others needed. I sort of missed those "formative" years I guess. It makes it very hard to hang on to your own identity through the first few years of kids and marriage if you never had one to begin with. I honestly think that was the driving force behind all of the early strife in our marriage, but that's a post for another day.
I guess what I'm trying to get at is that it's taken me a lot longer than other women in my generation to come to the point of "finding myself". So, to the subject of this post. Back in January of this year, I decided to start a series of self portraits. I wanted to catalog my journey so to speak. Make a visual record of where I came from and where I'm going. I know the year isn't over, but I think I've come a long way, especially on the inside. The well doesn't seem quite as deep as it did last winter. I'm pretty sure I can see a glimmer of light. I am hoping that is a good sign ;)

These pics range from January through September and early October. I feel like there is definitely a difference. Not just my hair color or my makeup. Maybe I'm just seeing things that aren't there?

The newest pic, was taken only a few days ago and I've used it as the basis for a new artwork that expresses more of what's going on inside my head, as opposed to what you can see on the outside. I've titled it "Emerging".

I feel like it shows the renewed energy I am feeling right now. Things with my business are finally moving forward, my husband and I have come to a new/renewed place in the cycles that all long term relationships go through, and the children seem to be getting used to the idea of momma having things to do that don't revolve around them.

Now, if I could just get my body to stop trying to sabotage everything... ( on a side note, Degenerative Disc Disease sucks).

All images are author's own, ©TabzJones

Until next time, be nice to each other.

Tabz♥

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