I always wonder about how people choose their names for sites like this, from what you have accounted in this post, the "kitten" portion of your name says to me "9 lives" . Surviving is the most important thing, being able to get it on paper is just a matter of time and when the time is right for you we will be here to read it and support you. Don't beat yourself up over it, use the "mind over matter" technique that I use, "if you don't mind it : it don't matter"
Best wishes.